can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over?and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?

Yes, I know how it is. We are so damn lucky to survive it, then life returns to some sort of normal again for you to only get worked up again with each checkup. For me it's a personal thing and with the sun going down each day I think of 3 things that was good that day and give silent thanks for. Life goes on but I try to pick the highlights of each day and concentrate on the positives, some days are pure shit and you don't know why. Bc changes you deeply, we have to learn to let go, make the most of what we have and realize we are still young enough to do (or at least attempt) things on our bucket list. For me i have to learn to let go, learn to laugh again, breath, live the moment and enjoy.

It can make you really grumpy. It's like being in a perpetual queue; waiting, waiting, waiting then finding you've got to the front of the line only to find the checkout has closed or you've forgotten something you can't leave without. Back to the beginning. There are many reasons we don't want this disease. Mxx

Trying to convince hubby to head to the beach for a few days next week when the school hols start. I don't care if I feel like crap, I don't care if the bed is hard, I don't care if it rains, I don't care if the entire family descends - I just need some sea and sand and a change of scene.

The definition of failure. "Lack of success" or the "neglect or omission of expected or required action"There is not one person on here who has failed in any way shape or form. You took the required action and you did it. Some of you have done it more than once. Your already successful. You had it cut out, cut off, rebuilt (or not). You knowingly went in, sat down and poisoned yourself then some had the darn thing nuked and burnt as well. You are already fucking invincible.!Getting back to you takes time. I know it is so hard to believe at the moment (and the last thing you are looking for is positive analogies) but it does get better. It's hard work but you will work out strategies to "not go there" then you start to move forward and reclaim yourself. You are not gone, just a little lost at the moment. We all get a little lost some time after this.I have a friend who ended up with postpartum Psychosis. I was with her through the 5 years it took for her to recover. All the drugs, all the pills, all the alcohol, all the days staying away from her baby because she was scared she might hurt him. I hadn't seen her in about a year when I bumped into her at the shops. She looked and sounded fantastic. I asked what she had been doing. (We had named her "black dog" Sybil in a wine filled night). She looked at me and said, well remember Sybil? Of course. I taught that bitch to heal. Now if she shows up I know I fed her. I have given up giving a shit who knows I had cancer. Couldn't care less. It's part of me now and I am proud to have gotten through it.One of my strategies is music. I chose a theme song for each day after treatment ended. It is my choice which radio station to choose. Will it be Eye of the Tiger, Sad songs say so much or, Let it be. is always a good one (Some days it's a bit more Sympathy for the Devil) LOLSounds a bit corny but hey, It works for me and I can change the playlist whenever I want.So in the words of Jimmy BarnesAll around this chaos and madnessCan't help feeling nothing more than sadnessOnly choice is to face it the best I canWhen the war is overGot to start againTry to hold a trace of what it wasBack thenYou and I we sent each other storiesJust a page I'm lost in all its gloryHow can I go home and not get blown awayAll the best my lovelies.

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

160 Replies

PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@kezmusc @kmakm @arpie
I'm still here. More IV stuff on Friday, the pain has subsided enormously but not the swelling.
I've got heaps of Endone and valium and panadol osteo, for what it's worth.
My dental nurse daughter who works for an implant specialist in Sydney said they give 40 mgs valium to their patients as sedation during that ghastly process of having a jackhammer in your jaw, so I didn't feel too bad about having 4 valium (20mg) and 2 endone plus the panadol.
She said to take them all at once and get into bed. They all kept me awake but in no pain and very happy. That was the Saturday night... the worst of the worst. But I can laugh about it now, I'm so fickle.
@Zoffiel I love the way everyone thinks you're some kind of addict if you like it when the painkillers work and then say so. I find life much more fun in no pain and on no painkillers.
@onemargie Thank God for Endone. I feel sorry for people who can't tolerate it. I barely notice it, lol.
@"Kiwi Angel" I was so desperate to get some Endone I left the house on a cold Saturday night and drove 15 minutes to Byron Hospital. I wouldn't have done that for a date with Harrison Ford - usually.
Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@Zoffiel @onemargie love me some endone :p
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
@zoffiel. Thsts hilarious as always. I love endome it’s the bomb diggity lol. It works really well for me. I don’t need to take it that much these days thankfully. Margie xx
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
Oh fuckity, @patsyn I can feel the misery from here. Take an Endone. Take two. There's a few people here who don't like them so we should take up a collection of unwanted bliss for later consumption :) Mxx
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
Bloody hell @PatsyN that sucks! I used a toothpick to get some meat out of a gum once and pressed too hard and gave myself an abscess bloody painful as all shit so I can only Imagine what you’re feeling. Get those antibiotics and some decent pain relief into you. It’s a long time to wait when you’re in such pain. I hope it’s all fixed for you Monday. Biggest hug. Margi xx
kezmusc
Member
8 years ago
Ouch @PatsyN,

Dental work is the pitts. I had a tooth pulled out in between surgery and chemo. The damn thing annoyed me more than the chemo somedays. Hope they sort it out quickly for you.
Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@PatsyN - that sounds incredibly painful - Im such a wuss with dental stuff.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Oh no @PatsyN! :o I hope it's all sorted very swiftly. K xox
arpie
Member
8 years ago
BUGGER! BUGGER! BUGGER! That's a shocker @PatsyN :( I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for you xxx

Thinking of you xx
Anonymous
Not applicable
8 years ago
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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

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