I love this thread. It always makes me cry and then feel better again - and then cry again.
I come on here to rant and rave and then see everyone else's problems and realise I'm not at all alone. I've been thinking about the future or not thinking about it depending on where you stand.
The future I had planned for myself, a lifetime in the making, has gone. It required a lot of sacrifice to reach that point of early retirement.
The grand old family home sold in no time at all and I move into the beachside bachelorette pad, bought 20 years earlier as my superannuation fund, low maintenance everything.
I had it all taken care of. My horse at the ready, the kayak on the trolley.
I was about to buy a horse float/caravan thingy so Blacky and I could go for adventures.
The person that was going to do those things has vanished.
I sit here at home, happy not having to leave the house or see anyone - that's not me.
I don't believe I'll be alive in 5 years but that doesn't worry me much - that's not me either.
The idea of travelling seems impossible with my energy levels.
I only want to see people one on one.
There's no depression, anxiety or panic but more an acceptance that life is shitty - I hate people who say that.
The only part of me that I recognize is the crying part.
It's always there, just below the surface, waiting for a word, song, piece of news, to erupt.
I'm feeling bad, my horse has to be out of his agistment by next Sunday. It's so sad. All the horses have to go. They have been a herd for so long, no one left once you got your horse in here. Blacky is in love with a pinto mare. He frets badly when she's taken out on walks and they are really attached. Just thinking of him in a new paddock without his herd or girlfriend distresses me and I've not been able to think about anything else.
I've warned my neighbours that I might have to put him in the garden for a while - I still have nowhere to put him with 5 days to go. I've looked at heaps of sub standard places with too many bored horses standing around.
