Forum Discussion
Un pc thoughts
So im writing this just to get it out. I dont really expect a solution. Apologise in advance if the un pc nature of this is not nice. I am getting a counsellor soon.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
108 Replies
- Tonight I went to a school event for my son. A newer friend I hadn't seen very well said to me "if ever you need to talk...I know someone at work with breast cancer who would be happy to speak to you". The conversation got worse when she mentioned someone else and then caught herself because they had died. At this point I thought I'd better save her and said its alright I have a reasonable prognosis and then feined tiredness and excused myself. Other people looked at me, flickered recognition then averted eyes.
- @MicheleR you actually DO have a right to complain! Cancer sucks and you have it!
Ah yes, it does sort out people in your life. But you know what? This is your journey, and your job is to look after yourself. You don’t have to protect or carry anyone else. Stuff em. They aren’t helping and you don’t have the energy.
On the upside, Cancer gives you an excellent excuse to rebuild your life and surround yourself with the people you want around you and want to be around you . Everyone else can rack off.
I wish I could be more eloquent, but my brain fog is grim! Just know you aren’t alone. I can relate.
Hugs Caz xx - I like the thought of being a complaining, ungrateful 85 year old - I will probably be well behaved and not do it, but if not then, when? My mother who lived to 93, and was staggeringly cheerful with a legitimate load to complain about, always noted that old age was not for the faint hearted and (very politely) told those who commented on her ‘good age’ that there was nothing good about it. Old age and cancer simply have to be dealt with, you have little choice in the matter. Bravery has nothing to do with it. The definition for bravery awards emphasises a choice - to place yourself in danger to help another. Given a choice, very few of us would choose the cancer card! Some of us get an easier run than others, and that’s often sheer luck.
- This really is a wonderful space to be able to say what's on our minds! I am really surprised by the people (family and friends) who have been there for me and my family and those who have not been during my breast cancer business. I realize some people don't know what to say ( I was probably in this category myself before my diagnoses). For me I think one of the hardest things I hear is ...you look well and you are so brave. These make me want to scream.
- @FLClover for sure👍
- Oh @TrenzaloreACT 🤦🏼♀️. Well, I hope you’ve inherited her young genes and are also enjoying sport and gardening etc past the age of 85, with minimal pain due to old age 👊🏻🍀☺️
- Ah, family. The other day during a phone call my mother said to me with a note of envy in her voice ‘you’re getting skinny (I’m not) while I’m getting fat (she’s not), because I can’t exercise like I used to’ she’s 85! I then spent the next 30 minutes listening to her moan about how ageing is sooo terrible. She still lives independently and plays croquet twice a week, gardens etc etc. I’ve round 4 of dose dense AC chemo next week which will be followed by 12 rounds of weekly chemo , then surgery in Feb, followed by 45 days of radiation. Yeah, ageing really sucks! Ha, ha, sometimes I make my husband make the duty call, cause it’s exhausting!
- My first week with my prosthesis resulted in some back ache - because I had been lop sided for 12 months! Once my back adjusted, I was fine. Best wishes.?
- Hi @Abbydog,
Re prosthetic its no so much about looks but more i find my other breast heavy and a bit droopy. My back aches. Ive only had it 2 days. I didn't wear to chemo as bra strap in way of port.
As im bald I already have a sign on my head that i have cancer. I dont feel embarrassed about the lopsidedness but im relieved to be able to wear my many long dangle necklaces again. I think right now im feeling conscious about my appearance because im covered in spots, bald and ive gained weight from ac chemo. Comments from others about my appearance have made me feel self conscious. I havent felt this before.
Michele - Hi Abbydog,
I have a good handful of very long term friends. Most of us have children. I keep this circle close to me. I have many other people I consider friends but I don't feel the need to keep them all close. Ive been quite busy since I had children and worked throughout. My children are 12 and 15. I had little time for my own pursuits and I think was actually verging on workaholics. When covid hit initially I was happy. I work 50 kms away and I could work from home and spend more time with family. I also feel that my cancer is a good excuse to just stop and I needed it. All last year I had a life coach and I was trying to find time to exercise and have more me time.
I have an immediate team of 10 at work with flow down team of 70. My boss and many other people are in touch with me. Some people at work I consider friends (with limits due to my position).
I have a small family (parents and sister brother) in Australia. I have inlaws with sisters in laws and extended family on that side. They have been great. My parents I see all the time. They are in 70s and my dad has his own health concerns.
I shouldn't complain. My mind has gone to some specific problems related to certain things. Important to consider.
Michele
