Forum Discussion
Un pc thoughts
So im writing this just to get it out. I dont really expect a solution. Apologise in advance if the un pc nature of this is not nice. I am getting a counsellor soon.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
108 Replies
- Hope it's okay
- Sorry to hear that @Cathyw. Hope it goes ok. Thinking of you
- Yep @Cathyw, that’s shit 😐. Here’s hoping whatever it is, is benign 🤞🤞🤞🍀🍀🍀 virtual hug 🤗
- Some people want to comfort you and some people want to fix you...all very nice, but I’d rather people just listen when I’m having a bad day...yes being empathetic is probably the most helpful way to be...going for a core biopsy on my good one today. I’m sure it will be benign, but at the moment, I’m feeling like here we go again...just sayin’
- Yup...you can put lipstick on a pig....but it's still a pig.
- @MicheleR I totally agree. Sometimes it is just shit, and it needs to be. And we just need to acknowledge that it’s shit, sit with it (not literally thank goodness 😆) and then move on when we can. Trying to sugarcoat shit doesn’t turn it into a brownie 🤔
- What has happened to empathy?
A friend on reading something i wrote has tried to turn it all into positives. Hooray its great that you can rest and recouperate.
Would be nice for her just to say - yeah thats shit hope you feel better soon.
I told a specialist that i wasnt fond of chemo and he said dont worry we will get you through it very positively. I tbought how? This was first appt id had with him in 3 mths.
Ive no doubt done the positive thing myself. Some things are just shit and you cant make them themselves positive. - You put it so well @Sister
- Yep - vent if you want to - safe space here.
AIs? They suck. The cancer might be completely gone so you take them without need. You may take them and the cancer comes back anyway. You may feel so bloody miserable on them that you decide quality of life is better without, or not worth it at all. You may decide not to take them, be living a great life, and the cancer comes back to bite you. Where's the win? Damned if you do, etc...
Aren't I a little ray of sunshine? - Of course. Vent away. Ive been through various stages. For the longest time I felt only gratitude and love but then that ended. Its a shitty situation for us all. It is unlucky to have breast cancer for sure. We can only feel what we feel. All of it is valid.
