Forum Discussion
Un pc thoughts
So im writing this just to get it out. I dont really expect a solution. Apologise in advance if the un pc nature of this is not nice. I am getting a counsellor soon.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
108 Replies
- @zoffiel - absolutely... Nearly 2 1/2 years out of active treatment and I still get so tired. I have a finite amount of energy each day and it's no longer something I can push through. Work and kid's sports clubs always seem to expect a lot and I always try to help if I can. I used to feel really uncomfortable and think that I had to explain to people when I was saying no (or I would try to do whatever it was, anyway). Now, I just say "I can't" - if they want to push it further, that's their choice.
- @MicheleR. The Cancer Card is a tricky one to play. A bit like The Joker, there are a limited number in the pack.
You can, of course, be playing multiple games with multiple players, or restart a new game with a previous payer. You've got to keep count of when you've played it and with whom. Sorry if that sounds strange, but it's the best way I can describe it. Taking advantage is wrong, but it is a genuine game changer.
Essentially, the Cancer Card gives you licence to say 'No'. Just no. No explaining, no excuses, no deals, no negotiation, no trade offs.
'No, I am not going to be able to do that.'
Sometimes we are are own worse enemies when we try to keep everything as normal as possible for other people who are resisting changing their behaviour to accommodate, in even the smallest way, our really nasty circumstances. It's always at our own expense when we try to appease these folk.
A reasonable 'No' will be accepted by a reasonable person. Mxx - @arpie, he is now. Change is hard for everyone. We let one of our children's room get ridiculous then we had to buy a new bed which necessitated removal of his stuff in another room. Normally I helped with clean outs but I can't this time. They are doing a big box together a night. Husband isn't here during the day and assumed I had time on my hands.i explained that most days I can do 2 or 3 small housework tasks and doing other things mean they won't get done. Ive since told him my life needs to change. Its an adjustment.
- Oh dear, @Michelle_R - he's got eyes & obviously 'saw' the 'clutter' - why didn't he move it or pick it up himself?? Probably, because we've been picking up after them our whole married life! LOL.
Take care XX - @MicheleR I think that right about now, you should be treated like a queen, not being complained to about clutter or whatever else. Fight for you 👊🏻👑❤️
- @ddon no I wouldn’t!! Mind you, she was waiting for her own biopsy results, which later came back negative. Her poor daughter, who is only 12, keeps hearing about how she’s pretty much doomed cos there’s connection to it from both parents. So if she gets it, it’ll only be cos she’s subconsciously been thinking that she has to get it since she was born 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🙄.I’m currently involved in a strata spat with that idiot woman and her husband
- MicheleR
It sounds like he may have deserved it. And I'm sure it wasn't all your clutter.
Has he stepped up and done extra, since your treatments have begun? - My husband whinged about clutter last night. I havent slept for 2 nights. I gave him a serve.
- 😳😳 @FLClover. You wouldn’t be inviting that neighbour over for coffee in a hurry.
- @ddon or when your neighbour, right after your biopsies, before you’re even diagnosed, says: oh, all of my hubby’s cousins and aunts passed from it.And your blood and jaw both drop to the ground.Thanks Karen, thanks.
