Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
- @Artferret Funny, I've been naturally stretching my hands like that for the last couple of months since they got bad. Between you and the new oncologist I've got hope that this deeply unpleasant side effect will abate in time. It was so painful a few days ago I found it quite distressing. Does the temperature affect yours? I started Letrozole on the first day of Winter so I'm wondering whether the warmer weather will help.
I've been patchy with the psych appointments since my BMX & recon. I think when the holidays are over I will commit to a regular session. I think it's going to take a while to get my self together. I want to feel strong again, in body and mind.
Thank you for your support. K xox - @kmcin28 I truly feel it's one of my natural habitats! I've had very high anxiety today and it chilled me right down. K xox
- @kmakm isn't that sometimes the best medicine to just sit and enjoy a meal in a cafe and watch the world go by. Hope you're feeling a little better Kay
- Good to hear you're going to stick it out with program Kate! With the pain in your thumbs and hands, i had it creep up to really chronic for about two months then one day it just eased right off. The only thing i had changed in my life was i started a new gym exercise routine (i have 4 routines which i do for a month each) which involved a fair use of the free weights. That was at the beginning of August. They've been pretty good since. Before that it was debilitating. Maybe ask your EP at the gym for some free weight exercises like for your biceps, laterals etc. It might work. Otherwise gently stretch out your whole hand and fingers as if you have little strings on the ends of your fingers and someone is pulling them, then gently curl your hand into a fist and repeat. If you find that it's quite hand sore to do some of the weight pushing machines you can always use some of that non slip grippy stuff, fold it into a pad to cushion your thumb area or buy a pair of gloves with silicon pads in them. I found a pair on a site called empind.com.au not cheap but they have paid for themselves already in keeping my hands cushioned. See your psychologist as much as you need to cos sometimes it's just too hard to do it on your own. I found that. It took me 12 months to get my emotional shit back together and i kept reminding myself that it would take that long. You'll get there, i know you will. One calming technique my psych suggested was if i was feeling wobbly, stop, sit down,put your hands on your knees, feet on the ground and in your mind list 5 things you can hear near you, then 5 things you can see near you and lastly 5 things you can touch near you. By the time you've done that hopefully you will have calmed down. It just gives you something else to focus on. My first mammogram since diagnosis is next month. I'm trying to keep a tight lid on stress levels till it's over. So far I'm succeeding...
- I'm trying to be kind to myself @Artferret. The exercise programme is part of that. If I feel fitter and stronger I'll feel better. And hopefully look better which always helps to quiet the inner critic. Plus I need to lose a lot more weight to move myself out of the cancer risk zone.
No chance I'll drop out Cath. I like working out in a gym, albeit a big intimidating one like this. I felt wobbly going there again today, which I just hate. Again, unrecognisable cf my former self. But I pushed through and had a good workout. I really want to be physically stronger. I actively hate feeling so weak. I never knew how much my strength meant to me until BC.
I'm glad to hear you feel your emotional resilience has improved. That gives me hope!
My Letrozole hands are continuing to deteriorate. The pain is now in my thumbs, quite badly this week. With the exception of one day when nothing hurt much at all. I can't make head nor tail of it! K xox Yes, they seem to flourish @sister. Mind you, my colleague dragged him into court and I put in a series of formal complaints then derailed his master plan to close my library. He was apoplectic with rage and I had had genuine hopes he would stroke out.
I wonder how they fare when they get ill and they effectively lose the control that they hold so dear. I'm betting they don't suffer the same insecurities as the rest of us but it would be interesting to know what they focus on. Suing someone, probably.
- Thanks for the hugs @kezmusc. Gratefully accepted!
Yep, those days are rubbish. I'm looking forward to the day when they're few and far between. That day will come won't it?!
Hugs back to you my friend. K xox - Thanks @Mira. Currently sitting in a café having treated myself to a nice lunch. K xox
- @iserbrown Thanks C. I'll check back in with the psych after the school holidays.
Public transport would work for me; it's pretty much door to door. But I'd have to be super organised and on time! Something that can be an issue for me early in the day... I'll give it a go though I reckon. It'd take the pressure off.
I do kind of have a priorities list in my head. I do my best but every choice to not do something is attended by ridiculous guilt. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. That voice in my head nagging at my failures is a bitch. I am constantly trying to get her to shut up. - @zoffiel It's a shit thing when you work with someone like that. In my very first full-time job, I had a supervisor who was such an overt bully. I tried to stand up for her on behalf of others and ended up requesting a demotion to get out of the office and then resigned not too long after. She, of course, was promoted. This is 34 years ago. Adelaide's a small place and last week I saw her tagged in a photo on facebook for a fundraising event - I couldn't believe how strong the emotions were after all this time.
