Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
- @"Beryl C." Gargh! Five years... I am full of admiration for you Beryl. I hope I get there quicker than five years though! I don't want to be at this level of psychological distress for much longer.
I'm picked up my cross stitch embroidery after a decade long absence. It's good to get into that rhythm again.
I totes get your annoyance. Just yesterday another wretched well meaning person told me that "positivity is the key". *RAGE* When did everyone drink the positivity kool aid??? Drives. Me. Up. The. Wall.
On a happier note, love that mindfulness quote! K xox - oops - font is smaller when posted.
- @kmakm After five years of chronic foot pain and other physically limiting side effects I have come to the decision that the woman who can make it to the street verge and back is 'the new me' (for now) and it is up to me to treat her with respect - she is allowed to be irritable, to say 'no' to well meaning offers of help, to laugh or cry as she rides the roller coaster of Met.BC and to be very annoyed when others suggest that they know the reason why my healthy cells decided to mutate into BC. Just how many variables did they consider? Grrrrrrrrr!On mindfulness, there is a saying, 'When you are sweeping the path, sweep the path'. That makes clear the idea of why mindfulness is considered to be beneficial. I am most calm and content to be in my own skin when I knit or read. If the 'anxiety loop' starts playing then 'k1, p1, sl1, psso, knit to end of row' steadies me. I also feel calm when I sit with a cuppa - just me and a cup of tea.ps - I am now retired and no longer need to take strong pain killers to get through a working day.pps How do I change to a smaller font? ;)
- Kate, my hands were at their worst in June and July so maybe it was the cold. My only other problem is that in the summer my hands tend to swell in the heat...crikey if it's not one thing it's another...you've got to laugh though.
- @Zoffiel It is SO disheartening when these people get promoted. Your story makes me think of what's going on in the Liberal Party at the moment, with the few women they have trying to lift the veil on the bullying.
Good on your colleague for slowing him down.
One day M, one day... - @kitkatb Thanks love. I'm trying to get myself back onto an even keel. Fortunately no more run ins with petty tyrants so far this week! I bloody hate my 'new normal' though. I've got to work my way to some kind of acceptance so I can make a reasonably contented life for myself. How are you going? K xox
- @Blossom1961 Isn't it awful? The rollercoaster really does continue. I can't wait until I get some equilibrium back. My frustration with the situation doesn't help. We really are being schooled by the universe to be patient.
Mindfulness is good. I keep trying to get back to meditation but failing miserably. Perhaps a class would be good.
I hope chemo is going OK. Look after yourself. K xox - They do definitely get further apart @kmakm.
It's funny how you take your physical strength for granted?
You sure notice the difference when it's not like it was. Before BC I never thought twice about it. If there was a job to do let's just get it done. Never even thought about whether I had the strength or stamina to finish it.
I've had very little problems with fatigue as in tiredness but what I have noticed is a fair amount of muscle fatigue.
Now I am well used to jumping up and down off horses and ladders, lugging fencing material, pushing wheelbarrows, etc.
These days though if I climb up and down a ladder painting or whatever the next day I can feel those muscles ache like I have been at the gym. I don't even have to have done much. Don't like it. Geez I might have to go to the gym blah!
I am hoping you might find once the letrozole levels out a bit, hopefully sooner than later, the up and down emotions will start to steady up as well.
@Artferret, one of the psychs at work told me the same about the 5 things. It does really work I've used it a lot over the last year. Not so much anymore but it's a good tool to have when you need it. Something so simple works so well.
xoxoxo - @Sister Too hard by half! And we live in a very nice first world country!!
Dentists... I've ignored that appointment for a few years now. Hmmm, lumpectomy, re-excision, chemo, double mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction... but still I put off that appointment. The big girl undies I'll need to pull up to my chin for the dentist will have to be giant! - @Harvey1903 J, you sound just like my husband! I know, I know. As I said, I'm trying.
Gosh it truly sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I'm in admiration of your ability to stay calm. I hope things improve for you soon.
One day, when you're feeling up to it, you'll have to stop for a cuppa with me on your way in or out of town. There's a fab café overlooking a golf course right near me. Meet you there for lunch?! K xox
