Learning to just .... be

My story began May last year. Like so many of you I "accidentally" found a lump, my heart stopped for just a moment, then life got really busy, and really challenging. Like you I endured treatments that I never wanted to, but I pushed myself to do what I had to. Because that's what Mum's do. We push ourself to the limit, then we push beyond what we thought we ever could. But why? Why do we do that to ourselves?

I pushed myself to return to work, pushed to get back to full time, pushed to get back to 12hr shifts. When I had pushed beyond the physical challenges of the last year, that's when the tired little girl inside of me said "what about me" in a voice so soft, scared that anyone else would hear. And I fell apart emotionally...

I didn't want to go through all of this, I didn't want to push myself over and over, I don't want to keep up the facade that everything is back to the way it used to be, because it's not. Like you, my life will never be the same because of the trauma of bc. 

So I stopped pushing myself, and guess what? Nothing happened, life still went on, home still managed even with dirty floors and an empty fridge. When we run out of dog food, he eats mine, but not vice versa :-) I found that no one else was pushing me, but me.  So I'm learning just to be me and be easy on myself. Sometimes that's being exhausted to the point of shaking all over,  sometimes it's not coping well with stress and grief and crying far too easily, sometimes it's just letting life pass me by because I simply don't have the energy to engage. It's learning to live with aches and pains and hot flushes and insomnia, but still do life anyway. But what a relief to take that pressure off myself and simply enjoy being me.