Forum Discussion
Family are not being respectful of my wishes
Dear all,
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
39 Replies
- I had something similar. I had siblings I little contact with and as it wasn't terminal didn't feel they really needed to know. My sister rang and told my cousins and then I get panicked calls from them (my sister died from breast cancer) I was furious but assured all was fine and I just got on with it.
Weirdly another sister has contacted myself about a breastscreen recall. We are not sharing with my other sisters yet. I want to share but will not break this confidence but I now totally understand why. Your parents are reaching out for their own support when sharing. They are worried for you. Sharing distributes the fears at times.
Be annoyed but just let it go. It's not worth damaging your relationship over and it was not done in malice. X - @Cath62, Limit your contact. They see you on your terms. Your main game is to get better, and her upsetting you is not part of that. Excellent plan to have your hubby deal with them.
They don’t get to see or talk to you if they don’t change their behaviour. Simple as that.
Hugs Caz xxxxxx - @Cath62 As the resident clown, my work is done if I've brought a smile to your dial :) Thinking on my feet is a specialty--it gets really interesting to watch when both of them end up in my mouth... Which happens regularly.
Good on hubby for holding up for you. I suspect he knows you better than they do. Onwards and upwards from here. Mxx - @Zoffiel that is the best laugh I have had over this. I like your style. Wish I had thought of responding as you did. How brilliant of you thinking on your feet like that.
Well I did hang up yesterday. My husband can take the calls now. He actually spoke to them this morning.
He told them they were wrong and he supports me 200%. They tried to tell him I was 'sick' (meaning mentally) but he refuted that too advising them there is nothing wrong with me.
They also tried to tell him that i must have not remembered what i told them and that they told people because that was in my best interest (they know better than I do what is good for me 😜 ) They said that I told them to do so. He refuted that too and said it most definitely i did not give any permission for their broadcast and reminded them that he was part of the conversation.
He asked them nicely not to call for the time being and said he wouldadvise them in due course how i am going. He told me it was a calm phone call and he was respectful but stood his ground.
My husband has witnessed their behaviour for a long time. He was a bit surprised how they tried to throw me under the bus to him but he told them I am fine and I am, especially given his support for me and the support from by people here. - @Cath62 Yep, that all sounds familiar. I'm quite fond of my mother--most of the time-- but she can be a horrible old trout and she did exactly the same thing to me when I was first diagnosed. Within hours of telling her, I started getting phone calls from friends of hers that I hadn't seen since I left home 30 years before, after quite specifically telling her I wanted to keep things quiet until I had figured out what the hell I was going to do. To say I was furious was an understatement.
Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and after the first couple of calls I started telling her buddies and random relations (most of whom I had avoided for very good reasons) that I had absolutely nothing wrong with me and that I feared she was going senile. I got rumbled for that, but it was quite satisfying at the time.
Most folk revert to factory settings when under pressure so, like the others with problematic families, I'm guessing none of this has come as a complete surprise. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. Hoping that just this once, they will allow you to call the shots and shut the F up for a couple of weeks is bound to end in disappointment.
My advice? Just hang up; fighting with them is exhausting and ultimately pointless and if you give them the roasting they so justly deserve, you will have it thrown back at you until the end of your (or their) days. Mxx - @Cath62 and @FLClover Sending big hugs to both of you. My hubby and children were great but SOME of my other family I could do without. I was on this forum a lot as the wonderful people on here were a fantastic replacement family for me, getting me through difficult times.
- Wow @FLClover
We sound very similar. My sister is just like my mother and she hasn't spoken to me for 16 yrs. I actually am better off with out her contact because it was some thing pleasant ever and she excused me of being all sorts of things. Initially I tried to mend the relationship but eventually just gave up and accepted it was how it was.
I too asked them.not to tell my sister and they got annoyed at me. I yelled about that and got told it was elder abuse and that I was sick! My sister would see me getting cancer as a weakness. She hasn't contacted me since hearing about it, but my mother says she really cares - yeah I can tell that but all those caring calls she makes! My mother tells fibs too and she doesn't like anyone having side conversations as it takes away attention from her.
i don't know how you have stayed with your mum all this time. It must be torture and you must be a very strong person. I hope you find a place soon so you won't have that situation. Thanks for sharing your story as it makes me not feel I am the only person in this situation.
I am sad about my family. I am very family oriented too (probably because my family is so dysfunctional) and it is most hurtful to be dealing with this stuff when under so much stress/pressure in terms of the cancer stuff.
Best wishes @FLClover - Hello @Cath62
So sorry to read about your situation. I can relate, as I also have an older sister who’s a narcissist, that I stopped talking to about a year ago. I also have my mum who’s borderline narcissist, who also tells what she wants to whoever she wants, completely irrespective of my wishes. She told my older sister about my bc after I specifically told her not to, and I had to yell at her a few times to make sure she didn’t tell her side of the family. She even got annoyed at me that she wasn’t allowed to tell. And sometimes she tells fibs too, just to not be ‘ashamed’ of certain things 🤦🏼♀️🙄. The word ‘boundaries’ means nothing to her. She gets offended by them. Worst part is, my daughter and I have been staying with her and my dad in Syd since my diagnosis in Feb., so no space at all. I’ve almost lost my marbles. Back in May I told her to stop giving me any advice on the cancer stuff, or anything else for that matter. So I feel you. I’m doing my best to move out now, because as the other ladies said, it’s best to keep distance and be very firm. I’m all for family, unless they start damaging your soul, in which case distance is necessary for self care and love. Good luck and I hope your anxiety around it gets better soon 🤞🤞.Mon Xxx - Good idea with your husband as gatekeeper! Bit of space will help a lot. Best wishes.
- @cath62 thinking of you. Sending love and hugs xxx
