Forum Discussion
Accepting your New Self
I could have put this discussion in the breast reconstruction group but thought it was better in general discussion.
I'm struggling at the monent.
Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans.
Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image.
Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway.
Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted.
Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90%
But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard.
It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through.
And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair.
Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss? Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age.
They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say.
Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts. And I realised...Yes...I will too.
Kath x
I'm struggling at the monent.
Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans.
Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image.
Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway.
Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted.
Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90%
But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard.
It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through.
And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair.
Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss? Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age.
They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say.
Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts. And I realised...Yes...I will too.
Kath x
24 Replies
- Just to clarify. ..never ever loved myself naked anyway...lol. Just okay with it.
- I think the girls have it covered. I miss my breasts and don't really love myself naked however I know they had to go. What I really miss is the sensation of them. I don't dwell on it often, but can really resonate with what you are saying. sending you a hug.
Paula xx - Thankyou all for your lovely comments. Yes I will pass through this phase as will many of you and we will all have our good and bad days. In we go.
- I'm yet to face my surgery and all that comes with it but would like to mention that posts like this really help . My Mum also a BC survivor has said to me that I will never be quiet the same after going through this, but I guess that's something we all face in our own ways. Like grief there will be many different cycles of emotions we have to face even years down the track. I am so glad that when we go through those emotions we have a place like this to voice them and be understood and supported.
Kat x - Totally understand @primek....this is something that will always stay with us. What you are feeling, Cath, we have all felt. But I also know how wonderfully strong you are and that this won't hold you back. This is your new you - but you're still the same gorgeous, clever, supportive person you were beforehand.Try and focus on that when you can - but feel free to grieve.
Sending hugs
Nikki x - On the day the doctor said you have breast cancer its a life changer. Hopefully a survival but there will always be battle scars both outside and in and we just have to find a way to make the best of it. Breasts were pleasurable and a bit pesky at times but what's done is done but now for the wilderness of finding ones new identity. Regret shouldn't come into it but it does and we just have to get past it and live a good life. <3
- Primek, I wish I had words to make you feel better but I don't having not experienced what you have. The short time I have been here, I've seen the support and comfort you give to others. You are an inspiration to us all and I personally have appreciated and felt comforted by your words and advice . You are AWESOME.
Lisa x - Hello lovely, Totally get the grieving and I don't have children so don't have that nurturing connection to mine. I reckon that to be expecting yourself to just forget about a part of your body that has so very many special memories attached to them would be like asking yourself to have amnesia for the majority of your life. And whilst you have had your changeover you are still in the reconstruction stage. I'm quite sure that once you have your new nipples you will attain a new level of acceptance - Grasshopper!!!!! Likewise with your implants - it has taken approximately 10 months for mine to soften and start feeling more - was going to say life like but it doesn't - more realistic, with a bit more movement not just an incredibly firm, nicely shaped lump. Grieve away - I don't actually see myself actually getting over cancer because it is way too much of an assault on your whole body with your mind also being so totally effected. I think we also lose our health innocence and once that has been taken we can't get it back, the fear is always lurking even in our subconscious. Sending you a big hug, know that you're sensational, strong, a truly wonderful lady who generates happiness and laughter and don't beat yourself up for mourning. I think it's perfectly right and healthy. Xx Cath
- @Primeck no wonder you feel as you do. This is the cost you had to pay to survive. No choice. Okay I get life is a gift but you are only human to mourn what was
. My hair has also grown back in a style I would have never chosen myself. Trying to get people to understand is an uphill battle. Unless they have had cancer or have been affected themselves they do not want to know.
I am so tired of being fatigued. One day I can take on the world next two days recovering.
I did not have a mastectomy. I can only imagine how hard that would be. Grieving for what was makes perfect sense to me. In time things do get better. How long ? Who knows? - Kath, allow the tears, allow the grieving yes they are sh*t going through it but you will come out of it different and stronger... remember I am now nearly 5 years from diagnosis so its taken me a while..... Mine hit when I finished my treatments and started to acknowledge the ride from hell I have been on..... if you need or want to seek out a good psyhcologist ..... even if getting one means a mental health plan and doing skype sessions so you get someone who is right for you..
