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primek's avatar
primek
Member
8 years ago

Accepting your New Self

I could have put this discussion in the breast reconstruction group but thought it was better in general discussion.

I'm struggling at the monent.

Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans.

Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image. 

Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway.

Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted.

Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90%

But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm  uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't  have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard. 

It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through. 

And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair.

Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss?  Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age. 

They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say.

Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts.  And I realised...Yes...I will too.

Kath x
coping
mastectomy
stateofthenation
  • Molly001's avatar
    Molly001
    Member
    8 years ago
    I feel you. It's hard not to feel robbed. Just goin about business then BAM cancer. Glad to be alive, yes, but it's so intensely difficult to be completely out of control over my own body, in both a sense of fear of the cancer, and hatred of the disfigurement. I've had a right mastectomy no recon, massive weight gain (8kg so far) from chemo with 2 cycles still to go, then rads & hormones and I'm starting to panic about what this will do to me and if I will ever recover to feel ok about myself again.  I certainly take a great deal of comfort from reading others stories of surviving and thriving and loving life. My prognosis is not so bad, so I take comfort in knowing I'm doing this to be here for my kids(4 & 1yo), even if I feel shitty about myself. I'll work on that later.
  • Cassina's avatar
    Cassina
    Member
    8 years ago
    Kath, hang in there girl, I think the whole emotional part of our journey is squashed down and we are so anxious to be strong we forget the impact it has on our grief and loss, loss of body image, loss of our breasts loss of self esteem. You are so strong and have inspired so many, including me, Be down, but remain strong, we need you,
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    8 years ago
    Oh Kath. We get going, get on with it-- but do we ever get over it? I don't know.

    I've played so many mental tricks on myself in the last ten years I hardly know now what is true and what is not.

    I've 'decided' that my tits were my enemy and I wanted them gone. I'll say that it's nice to be able to do my shirt up without buying a bigger size and taking the waist in. Sometimes I'll choose to believe that. Sex, meh, the other bits worked Ok until it was pretty normal for me to start to lose interest.

    My partner says I'm beautiful. I can't help thinking what he would say if he had seen me before I got dropped in the mincer.

    Yes, we're strong and we're fierce and our bodies and disease don't define us. On a good day. 

    Marg xxxx
  • melclarity's avatar
    melclarity
    Member
    8 years ago
    Kath, I think I mourned in reverse to you, 16 months leading into my mastectomy, since having it and reconstruction, I actually haven't thought of it again, I have complete acceptance. I don't grieve at all oddly, so I think we naturally do one or the other. Youre not alone in how you feel thats for certain. With your hair, I promise it does get better...I have 16 months growth now and had numerous trims and my hair is coloured and finally looking more like I used to. I get comments on my hair people liking it short, ohhh im not done yet a bit longer yet :dizzy:

    Grieving is an absolute essential part of this whole thing and I think in order for you to get to a better place you have to do it. You will get there...I truly believe where this wont consume your every thought and the things you love are taking up more of your time.

    You were caught so super early, which is so wonderful! and yes some comments arent helpful...be thankful to be alive...ummm well of course we are...but only we know to what degree our quality of lives are forever changed depending on our treatments. So I guess its how we look at it.

    Ive changed my diet and exercising daily now, am kicking butt determined to get me back even inspite of pain LOL...you too can do it. We have our down days...but boy do we have our great ones...hang onto those.
    Hugs Melinda xo