Forum Discussion
How to prioritise self care?
So self care is the mantra in survivorship right?
I need to do gym three times a week for the weight bearing exercises to stave off the bone damage of Letrozole. Haven't managed to work that into my schedule since early last December.
On the days when I'm not at the gym I have to walk because minimum of 30 mins a day exercise, preferably an hour.
I have to bust stress, of which I have an excess. So I'm starting a yoga class on Saturday morning. Can't use food and booze to stress bust anymore.
I have to sort out my head, get rid of the depression, manage the anxiety, so it's a psychologist appointment every two or three weeks. She wants me to journal. I struggle to find the time. She also wants me to spend 30 minutes a day doing something I enjoy, just for me.
I saw my dietician today about my failure to knuckle down and lose weight. My willpower is rubbish and as you know, it's like rolling a boulder up a hill trying to lose weight in menopause on an AI. Have to eat a low sat fat diet because of the Letrozole cholesterol issues. I have to cook most days of the week for a vegetarian, three meat-eating teenagers and a Type 2 diabetes octogenarian.
There's also the assorted ongoing medical appointments that seem to roll around with remarkable frequency.
This afternoon on my way home from the dietician in Town, I received a phone call from my son saying my daughter was vomiting, a lot. She was already home with extreme tiredness and what she described as stress from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she has (Yr 10). Of course it could be just that, or glandular fever, but my mind goes straight to cancer. Lymphoma probably...
I also get an email from school about my nephew (Yr 8) He's got yet another detention after being given several warnings to rein in his classroom behaviour. The teacher is "beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues".
My son, starting uni next week, has done nothing whatsoever about learning to drive or getting a job and has zero money. How does he think he is going to pay for his day to day uni life? He's been sitting in his room playing computer games and watching anime since November. From the beginning of January I've made him cook dinner once a week.
My niece continues to be the most difficult of them all. Almost continually rude, refuses simple requests, sulky, terrible sleep issues & much more.
So to properly deal with each one of those issues takes buckets of time and buckets of money. GP appointments, specialist child psychologists and who knows what else. About to take vomiting daughter to the doctor now.
My self care, if done properly, would take buckets of time and buckets of money.
There are no buckets here. If there's a choice I have to prioritise the kids. Any prioritising of myself is already accompanied by massive guilt.
I am really struggling to arrange my survivorship life. And that's even before I start trying to find and then hopefully get a job. How does everyone do this? How do I recover fully and lead a healthier, engaged life in survivorship, and take care of everyone else, have a satisfying relationship with my partner, a job, maintain contact with my friends, keep fit, lose weight, not be stressed and feel OKish about everything? Is it actually possible to do at all?
Yours from the House of Bad Behaviour and Vomit, K
I need to do gym three times a week for the weight bearing exercises to stave off the bone damage of Letrozole. Haven't managed to work that into my schedule since early last December.
On the days when I'm not at the gym I have to walk because minimum of 30 mins a day exercise, preferably an hour.
I have to bust stress, of which I have an excess. So I'm starting a yoga class on Saturday morning. Can't use food and booze to stress bust anymore.
I have to sort out my head, get rid of the depression, manage the anxiety, so it's a psychologist appointment every two or three weeks. She wants me to journal. I struggle to find the time. She also wants me to spend 30 minutes a day doing something I enjoy, just for me.
I saw my dietician today about my failure to knuckle down and lose weight. My willpower is rubbish and as you know, it's like rolling a boulder up a hill trying to lose weight in menopause on an AI. Have to eat a low sat fat diet because of the Letrozole cholesterol issues. I have to cook most days of the week for a vegetarian, three meat-eating teenagers and a Type 2 diabetes octogenarian.
There's also the assorted ongoing medical appointments that seem to roll around with remarkable frequency.
This afternoon on my way home from the dietician in Town, I received a phone call from my son saying my daughter was vomiting, a lot. She was already home with extreme tiredness and what she described as stress from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she has (Yr 10). Of course it could be just that, or glandular fever, but my mind goes straight to cancer. Lymphoma probably...
I also get an email from school about my nephew (Yr 8) He's got yet another detention after being given several warnings to rein in his classroom behaviour. The teacher is "beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues".
My son, starting uni next week, has done nothing whatsoever about learning to drive or getting a job and has zero money. How does he think he is going to pay for his day to day uni life? He's been sitting in his room playing computer games and watching anime since November. From the beginning of January I've made him cook dinner once a week.
My niece continues to be the most difficult of them all. Almost continually rude, refuses simple requests, sulky, terrible sleep issues & much more.
So to properly deal with each one of those issues takes buckets of time and buckets of money. GP appointments, specialist child psychologists and who knows what else. About to take vomiting daughter to the doctor now.
My self care, if done properly, would take buckets of time and buckets of money.
There are no buckets here. If there's a choice I have to prioritise the kids. Any prioritising of myself is already accompanied by massive guilt.
I am really struggling to arrange my survivorship life. And that's even before I start trying to find and then hopefully get a job. How does everyone do this? How do I recover fully and lead a healthier, engaged life in survivorship, and take care of everyone else, have a satisfying relationship with my partner, a job, maintain contact with my friends, keep fit, lose weight, not be stressed and feel OKish about everything? Is it actually possible to do at all?
Yours from the House of Bad Behaviour and Vomit, K
136 Replies
- @kezmusc I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank three glasses. I am not a saint!
I've worked myself up into a state about this, how to re-organise my life so that everybody's needs, including my own, are met. Went to bed crying last night. Started in the shower and couldn't stop. I'm going to take everyone's advice, including my own, and stop looking at the mountain. That paralyses me into inactivity which leads to failure and guilt. Yep, f**k that guilt shit. I recognise the stupidity of that emotion. But the voices that went in during your childhood are hard to get out. I'm trying.
So three changes to start with, in the areas of sleep, meditation and diet.
Thank so much for your support lovey. K xox - Sounds like you and hubby have a plan, which is great. Aside from my own (adult now) kids, I've had a lot of exposure to young people. I am that there is such a fine line between "supporting" and "enabling".
, and I think that when there is other shit in the picture, as you have with these kids, the solution is that much more complex. If it were me, I would threaten a finger, rather than the whole arm, so that if push comes to shove, you don't shrink back and think..."Oh no...not the arm...how can they live without the arm"? No kid has yet died from having had their "toys" that is electronic goodies, removed from them for a set period of time, or until consistent getting together of shit has happened. Sometimes kids push, just to see what your cracking point in fact is. Certainly, I'm not suggesting that babies get tossed out along with the bathwater, but I'm sure that once you have a chance to catch your breath, and stand back to back with your husband and lay down and enforce your rules, you will all be much happier. Chin up, eyes straight and march on, I'm here with you. Ally. - So the family meeting went OK. Law was laid down and it was emphasised that we are a family and so are all in it together and must support and respect each other. Self responsibility was discussed, and I impressed on them that I would not always be available as I had to look after myself.
I have made up a roster of household chores that cycle through on a weekly basis. We're at the end of Week 3 and it's mostly going well. The younger ones are learning some new skills. The recalcitrants are the oldest and the youngest who continue to argue about doing it! I can assure you they do not prevail.
@AllyJay My husband and I are fairly strict. We discussed with our son what his plan was for living his life as we were not able to give him money. We agreed to give him a loan to buy uni books. But beyond that I have no idea what he plans to do. We are leaving him with it, he will have to wear the consequences.
My nephew has had his access to the computer removed this weekend. After giving him three terms last year to get this behaviour at school under control we decided to use this 'stick' to assist him further. If he gets a detention, he loses the computer. We've just had yet another discussion with him about his classroom behaviour.
My psych has given me the name of a child psychologist she thinks is excellent. I am going to make an appointment to see her asap.
Happy to report the vomit has stopped! - My psych practices out of two addresses and yesterday I went to the wrong one. Fortunately she had a slot available later. She talked me down from the somewhat extreme and intense reaction I had to making this error. An error I never would have made pre-BC. It was one of the things we talked about yesterday.
This morning I went to yoga for the first time. Except I didn't because when I got there the class had started 15 minutes earlier. I never would have made this mistake pre-BC.
I modulated my response according to the method my psych gave me yesterday. Not entirely successfully but it's a start.
Since I was already in my exercise gear and it wasn't yet too hot I decided to use the time wisely and went for a very fast walk (anger makes you speedy!) for 45 minutes. So not a complete waste of a morning. - Oh @kmakm, my heart hurts reading your post. It's so hard to juggle all the balls. My psych always insisted I couldn't give anything to others if my reservese were compromised. If the well is empty there's nothing to fill up others so don't sacrifice self-care (another water analogy) . You might not do all that you want, but you can't let it go entirely. Another important tip from my psychologist was 'natural consequences'. My son has ASD and I was on my own with him during 2 BC diagnoses. He had his own struggles but I couldn't fix things for him. She said natural consequences are the best teacher. Eg. If you don't wash your clothes, you have no clothes to wear. For your son, no work = no money = no fun. Therefore if he wants to do things at uni he will need to get money. Therefore a job. Most of his peers will have one. For the kids at dinner, it never hurt anyone to make their own Vegemite sandwich for dinner, or a bowl of cereal. If they don't like that, the alternative is to help. Could they do the prep for dinner - chop veges, etc? It's a life lesson - a natural consequence. Tough love even. When things get hard, everyone has to chip in. It is ok for you to prioritise time and activities for yourself. It is more than ok, it is essential. It is self-preservation. If you fall in a heap, the family will be in a worse position. It's the hardest thing for us to do I think - make ourselves the priority. Thinking of you. Xx 💜
- As usual, @allyjay , your word pictures make things so clear.
- I think you have only failed at one thing....you have failed to fail. There, I've said it. I've used this analogy before but I'll use it again, as I think it is appropriate here again. Think of a glass, say three quarters full. You could add a teaspoon more of water, and the level would rise slightly, but there is still the capacity for more to be added. If the glass is full, almost to the brim, and you add that teaspoon, you might get away with it, it may just not overflow. But, if that glass is completely full, so full that the surface meniscus is bulging, and you add just one drop....it will overflow. And not just that last drop would spill, but a good deal more. Perhaps two teaspoons full. How could that be...well that bulging meniscus was under pressure, just managing to maintain its integrity by keeping what was there in place, that extra drop broke that. Kate, your glass is full, you can't add another drop. Some of the water that is already in your glass has to be drained. Each of your kids has to take a sip from it to give you the capacity to maintain your mental meniscus as more drops get added to your glass in the future...and there will be. We all know they will. If the balance is maintained, by each person doing that sipping, the capacity of that glass will be never ending. It will always take more. Sending you the biggest hug. Ally.
- Glad you got some stuff out @kmakm. I think the hardest thing now is trying to work out how to live. I no longer want to be defined by cancer as I have been for over 12 months but it's difficult to do when you're struggling with side effects from treatment - it doesn't let you pack it away and get on with things. I'm often bewildered when I realise how little I can manage both emotionally and physically compared to who I was before this. It took me a week to enquire about booking a bowling session for my daughter's birthday. And I cried inside the other day when I realised that I can no longer click my fingers (discovered in the car with the kids when Eagle Rock came on). I'm feeling guilty about not exercising but during the week I can just about manage to get through the working day and I rely on the weekend to recover.
So, breathe deeply and remember that we're all with you. You're a strong woman but that only means that you know what needs to be done and are prepared to try - not that you're superwoman and invincible. I'm not a huge Edison fan but I have always liked this quote: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” One day we will look back on this and be amazed at our courage and perseverance. - I had a psychologist's appointment today. It was timely as you can imagine. We ranged over a few topics, and did discuss this one.
I cried a lot. I didn't mean to but she got me thinking deeply about 'stuff' and it was overwheming and the tears welled up unbidden.
She said many of the things you all have said here - this hive mind is second to none - and while she didn't give me answers, she came up with a couple of strategies. It's baby steps and you have to start somewhere.
My self-talk is atrocious. Turning it round is going to be the work. I barely want to try because I think I will fail (I feel like such a failure) but that's the point eh? There's got to be a better way to live. - @kmakm
Oh Kate, take a deep breath my love...and then let out a huge primal scream!!
In regards to the exercise, do what you can, when you can, even if you only use it as a way of expending frustrations! I do think the current 'guidelines' are just over the top for a lot of people. The one thing i do remember when i went to the conference last year was when the guy from WA was talking about the quantity of exercise and he said, anything is better than nothing, even getting out for a 5 minute walk to let off steam. But i understand why you are sinking under a load of crap cos everything always comes at once and it's so much harder to deal with.
The cooking duties could be parceled out to all as it sounds like the teenagers are all old enough. Not fair that you are doing lions share.
You must keep prioritizing yourself because that's the only way you are going to be able to cope so don't give up on any of the me time.
The behaviour of your niece and nephew, that's a tough one. We don't have any contact with our 19 yo nephew since things blew up between him and my eldest sister (crashing her car in someone else's fence didn't help) plus it had been a toxic relationship for a long time. All you can do is be there for them. One day they'll thank you...i hope...they'd better!
In regards to your last paragraph, 'is it actually possible to do at all'...
All at once? Hell no...and it sounds like that's what you're trying to do or want to do. You can't, Kate, you'll only self implode.
As a lot of people have said take it all one day at a time and only do what you can and breathe...breathe...
Big hugs, Cath xx
