Glad you got some stuff out @kmakm. I think the hardest thing now is trying to work out how to live. I no longer want to be defined by cancer as I have been for over 12 months but it's difficult to do when you're struggling with side effects from treatment - it doesn't let you pack it away and get on with things. I'm often bewildered when I realise how little I can manage both emotionally and physically compared to who I was before this. It took me a week to enquire about booking a bowling session for my daughter's birthday. And I cried inside the other day when I realised that I can no longer click my fingers (discovered in the car with the kids when Eagle Rock came on). I'm feeling guilty about not exercising but during the week I can just about manage to get through the working day and I rely on the weekend to recover.
So, breathe deeply and remember that we're all with you. You're a strong woman but that only means that you know what needs to be done and are prepared to try - not that you're superwoman and invincible. I'm not a huge Edison fan but I have always liked this quote: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” One day we will look back on this and be amazed at our courage and perseverance.