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AmandaJ's avatar
AmandaJ
Member
12 years ago

The Disconnect

Hi All I was diagnosed with BC in Jan last year. Had three tumours in my LBreast removed by lumpectomy. Sentinel Node Biopsy was negative, but aggressive little thing that also tested positive for HER2, Oestrogen and progesterone. So 6 rounds of Chemo, Radiation finished in September last year. I worked through Chemo and Radiation, using all my sick and annual leave to do so. (I'm the major bread winner and we couldn't survive on my husband's salary) Now finishing off Herceptin and 5 years of anti-hormone treatment. The problem is this... Well actually need to give you some background before I tell you the problem. So, In July 2011 Dad was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus, we nursed him at home through several rounds of chemo. Then in Dec 2011 my father in law had two sub-dural bleeds in two weeks, the medicos said that he would die, he didn't. Dad died in March 2012 and Mum, who had dementia, went into care awaiting placement. I was being bullied at work (a job I loved and was passionately committed to) until it got to the point that I had to resign. Got a new job that wasn't all that challenging and in an organisation that doesn't encourage commitment. We were finishing off renovating our old house (that I loved) so we could move in to a fixer-upper in a more central area. We were travelling up to 4 hrs per day visiting Mum and renovating on the weekend, so we could put the house on the market. It sold about three weeks before Mum had a major stroke and died after being in a Coma for 4 days. The day before her funeral, we moved into the fixer up. The three months later, I got the diagnosis of BC. So now the problem.... After going through this over the last few years, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel like I have gone through this alone. That's not to say that I didn't have help, friends and my husband was great. But I don't think anyone understands how tough it was especially after the previous year and a a half. Working through Chemo was incredibly hard, I don't think I could even describe it in a way that anyone in my life could possibly understand. I don't know if how I feel now is about how hard it was or how isolated I felt then, but now I don't have anything in my life I really feel connected or committed to. I love my husband and children, but I feel like there is this part of me that watches me going through life. I used to LOVE reading, but I start to read now and I get bored or annoyed. I've always done things to challenge myself but at the moment I'm not sure I can be bothered, to be honest. I don't like this but I don't know how to change it. Has anyone else experienced this disconnect and if so, what did you do to change it? Would be really greatful for any suggestions. Amanda J

11 Replies

  • AmandaJ's avatar
    AmandaJ
    Member
    12 years ago

    Oh that is fabulous! I remember that line from Mrs Doubtfire where the main character says that her husband's idea of foreplay was "Brace yourself Effie!". That's going to make me smile all day!

    That's a precious gift you've just given me Lisa.  Hahahahahaha

    Cheers

    Amanda

  • AmandaJ's avatar
    AmandaJ
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Donna

    Thanks for your reply. The more I read these replies to my post the more normal I feel. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me and I just wasn't handling things well!

    Somewhat ironically, I am a Clinical Psychologist! I guess that made me think that I "should" be able to work this out myself. But to be honest, I think I'm avoiding talking about it because it feels so overwhelming. I feel that once I began to talk about it I'd just fall apart and wouldn't be able to pull myself together again. I've only written not even half of what has happened on this blog. Over the last seven years as well as what I discussed earlier. My youngest son moved to the other side of Australia;I've had three other family members die (one committed suicide); my Mother in Law was in a Coma on life support for a month and I did all the family liaison stuff with the medical staff; my husband had a major bike accident, then so did my son; both of my dogs died; my best friend moved to the other side of Australia.... twice (she moved back the first time). It reminds me of a line from a movie where the main character said "don't tell me you know how I feel, if you knew how I felt you'd be screaming".... so a walk through each day with a part of me watching, feeling disconnected from everyone who matters to me.

    It really helps to say this to people who understand. But all the responses I have had from all these caring lovely women are right... I need to call my Psych... who would have thought? LOL

    My thanks for taking the time to respond, for your care and wisdom. I hope that you're doing well and are clear and healthy.

    Amanda (xo to all)

  • mgndam1603's avatar
    mgndam1603
    Member
    12 years ago

    you came to the right place, so many of us can relate to your feelings, and if our are different we can still understand what its like to feel iscolated and disconnected.

    I was fine going through my breast surgery, I was a little stunned to be told how aggressive my cancer was and that I had renal cancer, but I managed through all that but after I had my kidney removed I just fell apart. My parents have both passed but my husband, children and sisters rallied around but I was a mess.

    I went to my doctor and asked for a mental health plan and saw a pyschologist, that was the best thing I have ever done for myself. She was awesome, she really healped me pull myself together. I didn't want empathy, I wanted help, I wanted to find myself again and she assist me with that.

    You have been through so much, like the other ladies I think that you need to be kind to yourslef and give yourself some space.

    Where are you located, there a BCNA groups all around and we get together have coffee and cry on each otehrs shoulders, have a laugh and just support each other.

    I wish you well, send hugs

    Donna

  • mgndam1603's avatar
    mgndam1603
    Member
    12 years ago

    you came to the right place, so many of us can relate to your feelings, and if our are different we can still understand what its like to feel iscolated and disconnected.

    I was fine going through my breast surgery, I was a little stunned to be told how aggressive my cancer was and that I had renal cancer, but I managed through all that but after I had my kidney removed I just fell apart. My parents have both passed but my husband, children and sisters rallied around but I was a mess.

    I went to my doctor and asked for a mental health plan and saw a pyschologist, that was the best thing I have ever done for myself. She was awesome, she really healped me pull myself together. I didn't want empathy, I wanted help, I wanted to find myself again and she assist me with that.

    You have been through so much, like the other ladies I think that you need to be kind to yourslef and give yourself some space.

    Where are you located, there a BCNA groups all around and we get together have coffee and cry on each otehrs shoulders, have a laugh and just support each other.

    I wish you well, send hugs

    Donna

  • mgndam1603's avatar
    mgndam1603
    Member
    12 years ago

    you came to the right place, so many of us can relate to your feelings, and if our are different we can still understand what its like to feel iscolated and disconnected.

    I was fine going through my breast surgery, I was a little stunned to be told how aggressive my cancer was and that I had renal cancer, but I managed through all that but after I had my kidney removed I just fell apart. My parents have both passed but my husband, children and sisters rallied around but I was a mess.

    I went to my doctor and asked for a mental health plan and saw a pyschologist, that was the best thing I have ever done for myself. She was awesome, she really healped me pull myself together. I didn't want empathy, I wanted help, I wanted to find myself again and she assist me with that.

    You have been through so much, like the other ladies I think that you need to be kind to yourslef and give yourself some space.

    Where are you located, there a BCNA groups all around and we get together have coffee and cry on each otehrs shoulders, have a laugh and just support each other.

    I wish you well, send hugs

    Donna

  • LisaC's avatar
    LisaC
    Member
    12 years ago
    Whinge away. You are only saying what we are all thinking at one time or another. Some days or moments are great, some not so. Yes, especially in the mornings after lying in bed not sleeping and trying to put weight on my feet and ankles that feel broken. I say to myself "piss off Effie". "Effie" is what I call not just the cancer but the whole shebang - it's actually a shortened name for Effing ($&@!ing) cancer. My girlfriend and I (fellow bc sister) came up with that when we Were texting each other through chemo. At the end of our rants we would say "effing cancer" and we then started referring to it like a third person like "partied big time with Effie last night, ended up taking meds for bone pain". I may sound crazy but these stupid little bits of humour help and I can then rant and whinge and not feel so weak. Sorry if anyone on here's name is Effie! Lisa xx
  • Christine_Marie's avatar
    Christine_Marie
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi Amanda, I can really relate to some of the things that you have said,I have lost 2 brothers & a sister 2 of them to cancer my brother & sister died within 2 years of each other & my cousin just recently died after her battle with breast cancer...I was too busy making sure everyone else was ok & putting them back together again & forgot about me... It did catch up with me I was diagnosed with BC in August with 2 tumours had a lumpectomy & had a hard time after my op.. I am going through radiation at the moment & I felt disconnected just like you, that's when I came on here & a couple of ladies advised me to see someone to help me through, so now I'm doing fine.. I see a really nice psychologist who is helping me understand a few things about myself now.... I really feel for you having gone through so much...wishing you well with lots of big ((hugs)) take care Christine:) xox
  • AmandaJ's avatar
    AmandaJ
    Member
    12 years ago
    Yes Lisa you're right! I think it has caught up with me, and no, no one understands that for me this isn't over. For them, because I've finished Chemo and Radiation it seems as if it never happened! I'm still having treatment every three weeks and take tablets every night that make it almost impossible for me to move my hands in the morning, my hips ache and make it difficult to move.... Damn, just caught myself whinging!!!!! Oh well. I hope that this is one place I can have a whinge. Don't feel like I can at home. Anyway I'll shut up now. So Lisa, thanks for your feed back. It's been really helpful. Kind Regards Amanda xo
  • LisaC's avatar
    LisaC
    Member
    12 years ago
    I think you have just stepped off the crazy freight train you have been on and everything has caught up with you. People deal with grief and hardship differently (myself included). When each of my parents died I went into organise mode each time and made sure everyone else was ok. I did the same when I was diagnosed and I do the same now. I keep my game face on in front of everyone. I feel like I have been running on adrenaline for 7 months and like you, it has caught up with me. I feel that no-one other than the girls on here and on FB support site really understand what we all have gone through and are still going through - cos it doesn't just stop. Keep checking in here and/or other support groups, it really lifts my spirits and hopefully it will lift yours. You must be emotionally drained and physically exhausted after everything you gone through. Lisa xx
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I read your post about 6 times,and kept thinking,oh my goodness!Amanda,no wonder you feel disconnected from people and things around you!In the last couple of years,you have had stress after stress,your Mum,your Dad,your father in law,your work,your house,and then your cancer!While reading through your post,it stands out to me,that not once in this whole time,did you get a chance to truly stop,and grieve for the people that you loved and lost,and also for your job and your home.When we suffer great trauma in our lives,no matter what it is,we need to be able to slow down ,and with the support of those around us,we need to be given permission to take time to process and work through what we have lost or suffered .Some people take longer than others,which is perfectly normal.Amanda,because you have been the breadwinner in your household,I don't think that you have been able to stop and let yourself fall apart,which is what you needed to do.So now,while most other people,are getting on with things,you are still stuck way back there!YOU need someone to put their arms around you and give you a big hug! Someone to tell you how BLOODY AMAZING you are,and someone to let you fall in a heap,and go through all those emotions that we all went through,at the TIME OF OUR TRAUMA,not 2 years later.I liken it to a death,when someone doesn't appear really upset,but sooner or later they will grieve.In their own time.I think it is your time now Amanda.Can your husband understand this,or maybe If you don't mind me suggesting,it would be the best thing for you to get some professional help.You could then work through all these emotions at your own speed,with someone who understands the importance of this.You can go to your GP and ask for a referral to see someone,or even just ring the Cancer Council.I want to wish you all the best Amanda,and I don't think that this is something that you can deal with on your own.You did a great thing to put your post on this network,because here at least you have ladies that understand.Take care and stay in touch on here.xoxoxoxo Robyn.