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ScorpionQueen's avatar
ScorpionQueen
Member
9 years ago

The death of the 'other' me?

Hi Ladies'  I am really sorry i haven't been here much and contributed the way I used to....the tables have turned, it's my turn to be down in that abyss, as i have so often referred to it myself......be patient with me...be kind to one another and yourselves....I'll be back on track soon....Promise! Xx


From my Facebook blog - An Ordinary Womans Extraordinary Experience

REST, RECOVER, RESTORE

What a difference a week can make! I've hit a low, a dark, scary, cry baby low....I was feeling really well last week (until the aftermath of Saturday night! LOL) and now....well let's just say that EVERY little thing is magnified....

My mind is in overdrive.....what if this, what if that.....why this, why that....what now....when......STOP STOP STOP!!!

I have been feeling somewhat 'left out'....not part of the 'real' world....participating in some kind of weird dream, where you stand still and the rest of the crowd goes whizzing by.....

I so desperately want to get back to my 'old life' BEFORE breast cancer.....where I had my hair, and yes, (I thought I would never say this), my boobs! I miss the way I used to look...the clothes I could wear....

I miss the fact that I could get up and just do things, go for a ride on  the bike with my hubby....go shopping without having to stop or take someone to help me....just be a regular person going about regular every day things.....be spontaneous! if I know I have a big day or night ahead, I have to have a rest for God's sake, so I have the energy to get through that event!

Am I at the grieving stage of my experience? I have read that you grieve and it's part of the healing process....you grieve for what was....If it is I don't like it ...not one bit!.....it HURTS....it's LONELY....my heart is aching and my mind is fighting to stay rational.....

I feel like someone has died....

.....maybe that someone is ME .....the ME before breast cancer....so do I close my eyes and hang on as this rollercoaster takes me down it's steep descent once again? The short answer is YES...

I have no choice but to sit tight and hang on .....no choice but to ride this out.....no choice but to hope I come out the other side with a clear mind and a happy heart once again....
  • Afraser's avatar
    Afraser
    Member
    9 years ago
    It will get better! Part of that will be letting go the overwhelming need to go back to normal (none of us can go back in time, we can only go forward) and realise that we don't lose the old "me", we just refine it a bit and that might actually be good. Grieving is necessary but so is consciously doing things that bring pleasure, that make you laugh. They will be little things at first, trivial even, but you need to rebuild the habit of good feelings, to overcome the feelings of tiredness and numbness. Being strong can be exhausting, so don't ignore the healing power of tears and a scream or two!! Then do something really enjoyable. Take care. 
  • Ann-Marie's avatar
    Ann-Marie
    Member
    9 years ago
    @ScorpionQueen I hope this brings a little joy to you today! This is my view :) and I love it! xx


  • Share's avatar
    Share
    Member
    9 years ago

    Well @ScorpionQueen, as totally abnormal as this whole bc experience is, your feelings sound so totally "normal" !

    Whether you want to laugh, cry, scream, yell, grieve or all of those things together - go for it. If it is just for today, a week, a month - however long it takes for you to feel "you" again - will happen in it's own time.  

    For most people, and I was certainly one of them, we set goals in life. I set myself many bc goals and found that as I got over each hurdle that would be a little win (I had to give it some positive spin). I can certainly relate to how you are feeling - you steel yourself for the long ride ahead - "I'll just get through the operation", "I'll just get through chemo", "Last round of chemo" etc etc.

    Nobody tells you about the "then what ....."

    To be told you are sick is one thing but to have fears about the if's, why's and what's (they always come in the middle of the night !) but to also have your independence whisked away is just so confronting. After all, you don't need babysitting but sometimes feel as though your well meaning and fabulous loved ones are always keeping a watchful eye on you ! 

    Your new self is just as awesome as your old self and I am sending a big hug, love and light to you as it is now our turn to give back to you today.  

    Sheryl xxx  

  • Jane221's avatar
    Jane221
    Member
    9 years ago
    For me the hardest part of this whole ordeal was the weeks and months after treatment had finished, for all the reasons you have so eloquently expressed. During treatment time was taken up with the endless rounds of appointments, scans, procedures etc and although it was rough going through those months of treatment, I wasn't prepared for how sad and angry I was afterwards. I was clutching for a "new normal" that wasn't too different from my old normal and finding it hard to come to terms with the person I was looking at in the mirror - I was physically reconstructed but emotionally torn apart. I needed time (and lots of it) to grieve and to try and process all that had happened. It is still early days for you but I promise you, you will get there. Keep writing, it all helps. Hugs, Jane xx 
  • DMaree's avatar
    DMaree
    Member
    9 years ago
    ScorpionQueen .. Today you are allowed to feel this way, tomorrow is a new day, but today, just, grieve ... We all need time to reflect, recharge and regroup ourselves ... You are amazing, you will find you again, we all change every day from who we were to who we are today. This is a newer, more knowledgeable you, stronger you, more compassionate you .... Curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out, because while you're curled up you are cuddling yourself, and when you are lonely nothing can beat a hug .... Sending virtual hugs your way ... Don't Forget To Love You x x