Triple Neg, diagnosed 4 wks ago, have had 2 cycles of AC chemo - I wonder what has happened?

My really off days are a long time ago - amazingly it does happen! I used to write (still do but the main topics have changed) and putting the bad days on paper helped. Even if you think you are being childish, or weak, or petty (and you’re not, just being human) it helped me to let it out, but not in anyone’s hearing! Helped again later to remind me of how much had changed. It’s the old ‘every journey’ stuff - one step seems pointless and aimless at the beginning but then you look behind and see how far you’ve come. No-one in their right mind wants this stuff, but if it happens, it is possible to make something out of it, with some luck and effort. 

Days off or 'off days' - both legitimate in their own way and what and how you do or don't do is your choice. The comments made by others are 'GOLD!' - take what's right for you. Give yourself a chance and use this forum to adjust to accept the changes this brings. Stay connected! xxxxx Beryl.C

@Zoffiel - yes, I was told aggressive BC needs aggressive treatment to slow down staging and shrink it. The plan is 5 months chemo, then surgery, followed by more treatment x

@Afraser - I use journals to write down much of what I experience and how I coped or didn’t. Sometimes in first person, others in third. Sometimes I’m the author and protagonist.. soldiering on and others the vulnerable character - stuck in the midst of a dense fog. It’s been a month since my diagnosis and when I look through the review mirror, my eyes see lots of backward movements and days fuelled with emotion, confusion, wonder, uncertainty, foreignness and grief/loss...for whom I’ve left behind. Harder days than easier ones and I have only started. I feel somewhere down the track, I will be able to see the leaps between the stumbles - now I feel it’s all too raw and tough x

@Beryl C. - I feel like I don’t have a choice, that gets taken away when you hear the words “I’m sorry you have very high grade breast cancer”. I am working on finding what’s right for me - I honestly don’t know x

I was diagnosed 17.8.20, saw 2 breast surgeons 18.8, followed by the oncologist 19.8. The rest of that week, I spent daily at the hospital undergoing the series of tests. 24.8 I had the port inserted, 25.8 I had my 1st cycle of chemo, Wed Pegfilgrastim injection.have completed 2nd cycle and this coming week will go for 3rd round (if all goes well). 5.9 port confirmed infected, now they suspect I have internal bleeding from Cyclophosphamide, I’ve lost weight, hair, my ME self. I am self employed and that has suffered also.

Is there a part of your life BC shows mercy to? 

I woke up this morning (like almost every morning these days)  flooded by emotion and rolling tears; at times, I can self regulate. Connected with cherished family and friends - that keeps me balanced. 

Will the treatment worsen symptoms? Or does it basically remain at a stand still?

I have been researching cbd oil for symptom management. Between pharmaceuticals and the underground market, I’m starting to sense the priorities are lining pockets rather than supporting affordable wellness.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and comment  
🍃🦋🍃

Feel like I’m always exhausted!

@tasia I'd like to say this shitty disease has a merciful side. I really would. If it does, I haven't seen it.

Dialogue around cancer tends towards the brave, the battling, the epiphany where people turn their lives around and reinvent themselves. Even those who perish have done so for The Greater Good. I'm going to call rubbish on that.

It's a gritty brutal dehumanising shitfest for the majority of us. Deep!y unglamorous.

After two bouts of BC, a decade apart, I can't laugh without worrying I'll wet myself. I laugh anyway. I was hugely amused by stories about folk stockpiling bog rolls. Anyone who's done chemo knows you may need none for weeks, and then you will need rolls and  rolls. I've done the broke and nearly homeless thing--work myself to death or expire in not so gentile poverty?

You could not makes !of of this stuff we go through up, it ridiculous.. And the ridiculous is what keeps me going. This disease does many things, but I like to think it hasn't changed my character--though it has given me more licence to express it on occassions. 

Keep plodding. MXX

@Zoffiel - I need to find a way to believe that it will not change my character either. I sit with curiosity and doubt - when the mission of treatment is to destroy the tumour, does it not break down other parts of you? change you?

i went for a walk today and watched people around me - I noticed two things a) people avoid making contact (maybe my choice of bandanas or scarves don’t appeal to them 😜)
and b) how differently I do the walk thing now. Yes, I can still walk but I’ve lost my ability to walk with confidence, strength and energy, to walk kms without concern. To interact with strangers and not so strangers. Covid only adds to the challenge. 

“Gritty brutal dehumanising shitfest”  I will borrow your spot on description (with your permission) to come up with a visual to match the words 😁 x