Triple Neg, diagnosed 4 wks ago, have had 2 cycles of AC chemo - I wonder what has happened?

Hello @Dory65
I read your words and pause. Holding them like I would a fragile nest housing a wounded bird. There are many moments I feel like that wounded bird...and I imagine we each feel those moments as passengers. It is not us that is gripping the steering wheel. At times, I feel like I’m a hostage, dumped in the boot feeling the bumps, the heat, the fumes, the lot. Reaching deeply for what remains of our own inner strength, natural healing and familiarity of our breaths to maintain life. No longer is the discussion centred on the quality but of means to survive and flourish, nurture the new growth like buds.
I linked up with counselling immediately hearing my diagnosis. 
This field is familiar to me - personally and professionally.
Music and a new version of me dancing are vital therapeutic tools. 
My now me misses my wild spirit - dancing freely from the rooftop, at bluesfest, concerts, country farms, in my pjs - wherever my heart has felt the rhythm - everything is modified and I have that conversation with myself...it’s ok. Trust my decisions...let’s just go with this. Do I believe it?

My work load has reduced to lean inconsistent hours. I have to maintain that to a) meet my financial obligations b) stimulate the brain city lights and passion for my work. I don’t have the strengthI to make it make a priority - I cannot manage that, just enough to keep my toes wet.

You are right - I have not able been to see the winning podium since this whole ordeal hijacked my life mid Aug 2020. The blood clots and more medication have made my lenses even blurrier.
For someone who barely took any medication - I’ve given permission to chemo, blood thinners, weeks of antibiotics blah blah. I’ve been prescribed Targin but haven’t used it (Onc won’t be happy).

i wonder sometimes if my body, mind, soul, spirit wellbeing is reacting to what it may consider my madness, betraying my overall bodies wellness...?
🍃🦋🍃💃🌱🌸🌱 x

That was supposed to read @Dory65 and @FLClover

i kept getting error msgs 

Dear @Tasia
Don’t dismiss taking the wheel. Most of us who have been through this know that being your own advocate is important. Listen to the specialists of course, they know about cancer. But we know who we are. The medications we never thought we would take may save our lives. Ultimately we make the decisions about what happens - and that may mean changing our minds, doing things we haven’t encompassed before, embracing, under the most unwelcome of circumstances, new opportunities. You haven’t chosen the ride, but you have some options about where it takes you. Best wishes. 

Hello @Tasia
I agree with @Afraser, that you need to take the steering wheel back. I was in depression for about two months post surgery cos I had also lost the steering wheel. With that I had lost myself, as you described my wild spirit and happiness. I was taking so much medication, and like you I don’t like taking anything that isn’t natural. However, I took the reigns back and things started changing. I said no to chemo, because there was a really small benefit from it, and I didn’t want to stuff up the rest of my body that is working so wonderfully well. My thinking was that I need my body as healthy as possible to be able to continue fighting anything else that might decide to invade any part of my body. And chemo would have jeopardised that. I still had radiation, and still take monthly injections for artificial menopause and Letrozole every day. I have told myself this is only temporary, until I sort my mental and emotional health again, which will then help me gain my physical back completely and maintain it. So I don’t plan to continue taking all this medication, especially if it affects my quality of life really badly. Only for now, as a way to help me until I’m strong enough to do it on my own. And I am getting stronger every day, by doing things my instinct is telling me are right, even if it means disagreeing with the specialists. After all, there is no guarantee for anything, from anyone, so I trust myself best for myself. 

Hello @Afraser and @FLClover
It is true, we seek advice and guidance from specialists in this field and place trust in their treatment decisions. 
First enters the cancer, followed by the specialists and then the ʻtreatmentʻ. I feel I am co-authoring with all three, blindfolded - stumbling around, clenching onto my own authors pen.
I agree that instinct is a powerful and trustworthy source. The strength that speaks to us is from that fountain. Trust within - the light still flickers :-)

Havenʻt taken the Targin - onc said she wasnʻt surprised; my position was clear and made sense to me. Perhaps the only thing that has any sense-making meaning. 

My warmest and caring thoughts to all x