husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

I am so sorry your hubby made those insensitive remarks ... and I hope that he has apologised to you for them. :(  

There ain’t none of us that are picture perfect (even him, as you mention!). Maybe he needs to strip off and take a good look at himself in the mirror - and you can also take notes   LOL ....

Our battle scars are evidence that we are still here - and that we are tough! 

Do what is right for YOU ... if that means shooting thru on your own (or with a ‘bestie’) for a while to ‘rejuvenate’ ... just do it!! And don’t load up the fridge with cooked dinners beforehand ... let the family work that out themselves!!  ;) 

Maybe consider joining a couple of groups (be it walking, garden, reading .... anything that you enjoy doing) so you have more ‘you time’ and get out of the house more too.  

Whereabouts are you (you can add your general area to your ‘profile’.) You May be able to meet up with local BCNA members for chats and support (covid willing.)  

We are all feeling for you so much .... so lean on us when you need that extra bit of support xxx. Take care xx

Oh I agree wholeheartedly with @sister!  
The most important part of healing is acceptance.
His comments sound very shallow and all about him!  Perhaps he was having a bad day but hey he needs to be pointed in the direction of a Psychologist so he can understand that his commentary, flippant or not, is hurtful and he too needs acceptance.
Look after yourself, physically and emotionally.  Simple things like sitting out on the verandah with a cup of tea and taking in nature or a walk in the park to clear your head all help
As mentioned many a time this really is a shit fest at times and it certainly helps if support is there from your nearest and dearest. 
The forum is a great place for venting and understanding 
Best wishes and take care 

@dodg113 If there's one thing I have learnt from this, it's that it's important to consider yourself first, physically and emotionally.  I'm not very good at it and I know that there's more I should do if I could.  As much as you love your husband, this is not about him.  You have a right to be respected as a person who has gone through a massive trauma.  Okay, he has too but only at a remove, and whether he his suffering because he can't "fix it" is irrelevant to how he addresses you.  This is not to disparage him (which I would have done when I first replied) - I hope that he is able to get some help to deal with his emotions.  None of us are 20 and unbelievably gorgeous anymore and many of us carry significant scars.  As we age, these will become more prevalent for both parties in a relationship.  That is life.  We all deserve for our partner to appreciate us for who we are, not what we look like.  I do hope that you can work it out and that you take care of yourself.

Thanks for that @Zoffiel, I appreciate it. And sorry to make you retell and relive it all over again. I’m just an overly anxious person and a bit confused atm. 

@FLClover, they become encapsulated. Very quickly. They also migrate around-- I' shot the left expander into my armpit a couple of days after my original op and that seemed to set a precedent for that side. That is another story of negligence which I'm tired of retelling. The right side works it's way up my chest. When a variety of surgeons have gone in to reposition them, the implants are too damaged to be reused. I hear one in particular is now used as a teaching aid...
My case is very, very uncommon. I develop keloid scars - just generally irritable I suppose - and my body hates the implants.
The 'obvious' solution - removing them- has been thoroughly discussed and would probably cause even more trouble.
99% of people have few, if any, problems . 

Hey @Zoffiel
Why did you need to have them replaced twice? I’m thinking of getting implants but not sure it’s the best way to go..🤔. 

@Dory65, I bought him on the internet...

@dodg113 I've had my implants replaced twice and have had more revisions and repositioning than I can count in the last 14 years. They are a tortured twist of gristle, scar tissue and mangled silicone and they HURT. 

Before anyone suggests seeing another surgeon or fat grafting etc, thanks in advance, but please don't. I'm over it.

The last episode, a wide excision and level three node clearance, more chemo and rads has left me a little jaded and the damage firmly beyond repair. So be it.

Hi @dodg113,
it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and you seem to be putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. What about you? Is there any chance you can take some time out just for yourself? I took myself off for two nights away on my own recently. Did a bit of tootling around the countryside doing what I wanted when I wanted. I had a good cry - without someone trying to stop me! Very cathartic. Get it all out. Sob. Scream. I stayed in a historic house converted into a boutique hotel. Note - "boutique" does not necessarily mean "luxury" - but it was interesting. <3

thank you everyone.It has been good getting "outsiders" viewpoint as  agree I am prob being too generous to him - but at same time really not fair what he said ..and is def not a perfect specimen - also bit fatter now than 26 yrs ago!!
@Zoffiel - thank you ,what did you end up doing after failed recon - ? think we all had really high hopes that if this  recon worked then this year could put BC behind us in a way - but now thought of needing more surgery is too daunting - am not going to do anything for a year as my daughter starts yr 12 - too hard on all of us....

That’s great @dodg113, I really hope he goes to the psychologist with you. It’s actually quite necessary.  This is a VERY  tough road for everyone, and quite challenging and confronting too. Him being mean like that is most probably because of other underlying issues, but he obviously needs to get them sorted. For both your sakes, because continuing with that kind of behaviour in any relationship is not going to benefit anyone. Life is hard enough as it is. You are partners. As @Zoffiel said, let’s hope he really is one of the good ones and realises you are still you, that people are prone to changing but we should continue to love each other. And that is could happen to literally anyone. Also, he needs to be aesthetically perfect to complain about you 🤔.