Two years today....Happy Halloween Ya'll
Wow where did that go? Sometimes it feels a lifetime ago and somedays just like yesterday. So I got to thinking about the first year compared to where I am at now. I am sure I'm not alone when I say that that first year is a bit of shit fight to say the least.
I had a sombre moment last night remembering how darn scared I was the same time two years ago. A few tears were shed then my brain kicked in and went well thank goodness it's not two years ago silly.
I find life is now divided into two parts. Everything is governed by it. Things I have done and experienced are either AfterBC or BeforeBC.
My emotions are different, my sense of mortality is incredibly real. My thoughts, feelings and responses to situations have taken on a whole new meaning.
These are not bad things there are plus and minus for both sides. Emotionally, some things are nearer to the surface but mostly it takes a hell of a lot to rock my boat these days. (except for ambiguous scan results LOL)
I think I am pretty unsurprisable and have given up worrying about anything trivial.
I find it confusing that some days I was wishing time away so that I could feel better when the whole thing was about getting rid of the cancer to have more time. Ironic huh?
I got to thinking about the "the new normal" (which, by the way, is a saying that makes me sicker than "journey"). Is there really a new normal? Prior to BC everything you have done and experienced good, bad, sad or heartbreakingly awful led to the person you were right before that diagnosis, so trying to be that exact person again is probably impossible. This was a lot of what was doing my head in up until abut 6 months ago.
I was not the same at person at 40 as what I was right before that diagnosis. Why did I think my personality had stopped evolving. (F*/k, that was deep for me) it was going to keep changing with or without BC so fighting to be exactly the same was a waste of time, energy and was making me sad some days and just really pissed off on others.
I'm beginning to like the new chick. She is tougher,(most days), doesn't listen to anyones bullshit, doesn't worry about anything that is not a horrible disease, is not afraid to speak her mind and tries to say yes to all invitations. She tries to just do stuff instead of overthinking everything. Sure, she's got some aches and pains and a slightly malfunctioning brain at times but you know hehehhe. She may use that card to her advantage when it suits
Best of all she is still quite capable of throwing a bloody awsome party and enjoying it.
So for those of you that are trying to get off the rollercoaster, or at least slow the thing down a bit. It does get better. It has to, time waits for no one and staying in the same place just can't happen even though it feels like you are going to be stuck in pergatory forever in that first year. You wont be rest assured.
Any hoo after my awesome week away and another little Tamoxiholiday I am feeling pretty darn good actually.
It must be wine O'clock. So cheers ladies, to the slightly modified awsome version of the old you that's yet to come.
Love to everybody who's listened and guided over the last two years. I can't thank you all enough.