Feeling low :(
I have always tried to stay strong throughout my journey. I have put on a brave face and barley shed any tears. I know that I am one of the lucky ones and feel so guilty when I complain to friends about what i have been through. Having only been diagnosed with low-grade DCIS, with no need for chemo or radio therapy. Instead my BC was cured with a double mastectomy / reconstruction. After reading many of the stories on here, i don't feel i have the right to complain. So much so, that it took me months to even begin to become part of this wonderful group. I didn't feel that I would belong here - i don't feel that I am a 'true' BC fighter.
I feel uncomfortable telling people that I have had a mastectomy because i 'had BC'. They always respond with "Oh, you poor thing. Im so sorry to hear that." etc ect. I always respond back with " No actually, i'm not a poor thing. I'm a lucky one", and go on to tell them some 'real' stories of BC.
I think i thought that if i talk to everyone one (family and friends) about what is happening, it will make it easier, make it go away. I have tried to make a difference, talked openly about my experience, encouraging people to have regular mammograms, posted photos (hoping that it will help other with their surgery). When really, now that I think about it I'm trying to run away from the problem. I can't believe that it is happening to me. I can't believe that I'm going through this.
I'm so confused right now as I know that I'm so lucky. But all I really want to do is sit, cry and scream out loud. I have told myself (and everyone else) for the last 6 months about how lucky I am, how I have had the chance to make a difference to my life. I have continously looked at the positive and when i feel myself thinking negative I have to remind my self to be positive. I have just had my last saline expansion. I look at myself in the mirror and now realise that my breasts are gone. They will never be as they were. I have lost all feeling in my chest, lost my nipples and the all the sensations that go with them. Instead I have 2 heavy, solid lumps. Lumps that get in the way, that don't move, that are tight, uneven, unbalanced, uncomfortable and that cause me pain. Lumps that will be there for another 4 months before I can have them removed and the 'normal' looking ones put in, then my new nipples added.
Even writing this now, complaining about my reconstruction and how i'm feeling, I feel guilty as I know what I'm going through is nothing compared to so many of the brave, strong women on this site that have a real fight ahead of them. This is the fight that my mother fought for 4 years. The fight that sadly she lost 10 years ago. And do you know, she hardly ever complained. She was so strong, so brave and so beautiful. She went through hell and suffered so much and yet complained so little. How do I have the right to complain about what I'm going through when it is nothing compared to my mum and so many other out there?
At no point have I had a nurse or anyone from a professional field talk to me about losing my breasts. After the surgery there was no one to talk me through the initial removal of the bandages, the first time I looked at myself in the mirror, no one has asked me how I'm feeling or what I was thinking. Is this because I only had low-grade DCIS? It is because I always came across as under control and knowing what i wanted?
I'm sorry for this very jumbled post. I feel guilty for posting this when i know that so many of you are fighting a hard fight. I hope that I don't offend you when really i don't have the right to complain. xx