Feeling low :(

Hi Emma May,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time at the moment and guilt is making you so miserable. I am in a similar situation to you, in that I was also diagnosed with DCIS - in early Sept (although it was high grade and very extensive). I have undergone 2 surgeries resulting in a bilateral mastectomy and currently have tissue expanders in preparation for implants sometime in the New Year. I am now 3 weeks post 2nd surgery. Initially on MRI, doctors thought that I had a large invasive cancer and I was heading for mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy. It was not until I got the post-surgery pathology results that I could breathe a huge sigh of relief as it was only DCIS even though it was a massive 6cm tumour (I have quite small breasts). I felt incredibly lucky, like I had dodged a canonball! In spite of this I still felt terrible. 

While it is no doubt helpful for us to maintain a positive focus I think it is also important to acknowledge what a devastating thing it is to receive a diagnosis of breast cancer, regardless of the stage or grade or the type of treatment that is required to try to beat the cancer. While I am a newcomer to the breast cancer experience, I suspect that the psychological impact on an individual is not necessarily determined by the nature of the BC diagnosis and there are many other factors which impact on our emotional response and how we can move forward. A diagnosis of cancer does not occur in isolation from all the other factors in our life and we are all individuals who respond in our own way - this can also vary across time. I know for me, I have days when I am very acceptiing of my situation and feel like I can cope quite well and other days when things really overwhelm me and everything feels quite dark. I also feel guilty at times because others (including my mum and other close friends) have had a much more challenging experience. 

You refer to talking about your situation as "complaining" and you don't feel you have a "right to complain". I think it is really important to be able to share your experience with others as it probably helps you come to terms with it and help others understand things from your perspective. To someone who has not experienced breast cancer, what you have been through would seem highly significant - having a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction is not a picnic physically or emotionally - by anyone's standards. The fact that you do not need other treatment does not diminish what you have already endured. Keep in mind that you also have previous experience of breast cancer with your mother and that no doubt complicates your ability to come to terms with your own BC diagnosis.

A number of people have commented to me that I seem to be coping so well and I just think to myself "if only you knew what was going on inside". I think there is a lot of pressure to present a positive outlook to others and be seen to be coping well. There is an image of people diagnosed with breast cancer as brave and strong, which they are of course. But surely it is also ok just to be what we are and feel, and not feel the need to hide this aspect of the experience? I certainly do not feel brave nor strong most of the time. I did not choose this but am dealing with it the best way I can. Sometimes that is to have a complete breakdown, cry buckets of tears, get angry, feel sorry for myself, eat chocolate, go shopping, sleep in the daytime, talk on the phone for hours, knit, go online and research breast cancer until I can't keep my eyes open. 

Is there any way that you could get some professional support to help you deal with these issues? I have found it extremely helpful to have some professional support from a psychologist and to talk to other women who have come through the other side and have been able to move forward with their lives. There are lots of people out there who understand and will be supportive of you. What would you say to someone who was in your situation? 

Sorry for the lecture and I hope I don't sound too preachy. It just upsets me to hear you punishing yourself so much. We are often our own harshest critics. I sincerely doubt that others would see you in such a negative light.

Be nice to yourself and take care. Hope you are feeling better soon

Karen