Afraid to finish chemo
This will sound crazy but with 7 taxol to go - 4 dose dense AC and 5 taxol behind- I am afraid to finish. People say to me ‘you must be just wanting it over’ and I can’t explain that actually I don’t. Firstly, I feel kind of like I am in a bubble of relative safety. Wherever those cancer cells have landed, at least while this stuff is circulating it is stopping them from actively growing. Fingers crossed even killing some. As soon as I am on my own the fear will really kick in.
Secondly, I don’t wish any days/weeks away. I don’t know how much life I have left to live and I don’t want to be rushing through slabs of it wanting it over. I try to find joy in every day. This is the only one I am sure of.
This chemo has been miserable in many ways as everyone knows but still mentally I feel safe and so I am afraid for it to end.
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