My Valentines Day Cancer
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No @Sabze it won't be easy. I had to tell my niece and nephew (8 and 11 at the time) that I had the same disease that had killed their mother 17 months earlier. My husband and I are raising them with my older two kids. It was the single worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Hands down the hardest. It still turns my stomach when I think about it now. But there's nothing for it. You just have to take a deep breath and do it. Like taking off a bandaid. My husband did it with me.
My father-in-law also lives with us because 10 months before my sister died his daughter passed away from a glioblastoma. It's been difficult all the way through, and still difficult now to give rein to my emotions. He is such a wonderful, stoic, cheerful man who's had a lot of tragedy in his life (his wife died at 39 from an aneurysm). I never want to upset him with my distress. So I think I understand the stress of the consideration you're giving your partner.
That's where this forum is incredibly useful. Unload here. There's always someone who gets it. K xox0 -
Mine were 20EE Sazbe but they tried to kill me so I evicted them both ... it as all a part of us the sexuality and identity it is ok to think like that .... it is part of the process.0
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I had big boobs as well! No one could feel my tumour it was so deep. It was picked up in a routine mammogram.
Yes, it is very confronting losing that part of your body. Femininity, motherhood, shape giving, erogenous, sexuality. To the exterior world they are so defining of us, and personally, such a source of so much intimate identity. But we are not our breasts.
I have this opinion that why a diagnosis of BC is often more traumatising than other cancers is because the treatment of it is so often highly visible, and so visibly associated with what is regarded as a fundamental femininity. You can lose parts of your insides to cancer, sections of bowel, your thyroid, but the world does not see or care. You don't see.
None of these thoughts are shallow. I was still menstruating when I was diagnosed at 51 and I deeply resent being slammed into a hard menopause. This BC shiz is hard! On many levels. Don't castigate yourself for any of these thoughts. We all have them. Be gentle with you. K xox0 -
@Sazbe I emphasised very heavily that mine had been found very early, unlike their mother's, and that it would all be gone tomorrow. My nephew was particularly comforted by this. He asked me to repeat it several times. My niece is a different kettle of fish. She asked me only a couple of weeks ago if she was going to get cancer. This question comes up every few months. It's heartbreaking.
This isn't where I wanted this chat to go! I'm so sorry. I suppose the point is I'm still here, and so are the kids. It was not easy but we got through, and you will too. One step at a time. K xox0 -
@kmakm thank you. I am so glad I found this site. The support is amazing and makes a big difference. This BC shiz is indeed hard.
I saw a breast surgeon in my 30's due to my family history, he recommended yearly mri and US. I did one then busy with med school, single parent at the time. then new relationship pregnancy, never went back. Now here I am and of course another stat in the family in my 40's so I know that hugely increases the risk for my girls which is also a confronting part of the diagnosis.
So I get heartache of knowing your loved ones are also at risk, but having a child ask that question must be gut wrenching, especially when you are going through it yourself.
I also have 2 step kids, they have cerebral palsy and intellectual disability. apparently the didn't really ask any questions when their mother died. however at the beginning of last year my youngest spent several days in hospital with gastro. Ryan asked his dad if she was going to die, I guess that was what his experience was when people went to hospital
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Hi @Sazbe, so sorry you've had to join us, welcome to a wonderful community, everyone here has been where you are now, we get you. We understand your fears , we are here to support , the difficult times and the good. I couldn't have got by without this forum. I'm not here often but it has been the one thing that's got me through. I was diagnosed last year , 12 th Feb. Very similar biopsy diagnosis to you. IDC grade 2 ER positive, HER neg, similar size. I had a lumpectomy 21st Feb, but pathology came back as grade 3. This changed my treatment plan, so try and take it a step at a time, but as you're a GP I imagine this will be difficult to do.
i too found Liz O'Riordan's blog very helpful . It is such a difficult time and I remember one of the things that worried me the most was telling my father and telling my two adult children . I look back and remember how scared I was and what a deep learning curve I was embarking on.
Take care, make sure you're good to you during these early days. Spoil yourself, sending you hugs, best wishes. Xxx
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@sazbe Welcome to the community. I'm in awe of anyone who can go back to work in the early days after diagnosis. It's such an overwhelming time. You're obviously up on the medical side of things but you may not be aware of how deeply it rocks so many so don't be surprised at the emotional upheaval. I would suggest that you tell the kids what is going on as soon as you can as they will know that something is wrong and may think things are worse than they are (!!!) or think it is to do with them. Mine were 11, 12 & 15 at the time of diagnosis and I had to tell them immediately as the two youngest were in the car as we raced from Breastscreen to my GP who was staying late to wait for us. They have grown up knowing that they never met their auntie, my sister, as she died young from breast cancer so they've always known it is a serious disease. I think that giving them the knowledge of what was going on at each stage (basic and no what-ifs) has enabled them to cope better and to understand and support me. Kids always know when something is going on and secrets can be terrifying. CanTeen have good resources for telling kids of all ages.
It also sounds as if you may find release in writing, given the eloquency of your post. Perhaps consider a journal or blog. I started a blog to keep friends and family informed (so I didn't have to answer questions all the time) and I found it quite cathartic during the year of active treatment. It became as much of journal as information provision and looking back at it, I am amazed at how much I have forgotten and what I was thinking at the time. You won't find it in a search as the settings are private but I provide the address to those who are interested.
I am glad that you have found us as this forum may just be what gets you through treatment in relatively good shape. Everyone here gets it. And so many in the medical community seem to be dismissive of this site which is unfortunate.0 -
@Sazbe welcome (unfortunately) to the forum. Great group of people here who provide amazing support. Big hugs xoxo0
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@Sazbe
BCNA have some information for people with a disability which might make things easier when you need to address your step children....
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/facing-breast-cancer-with-a-disability/
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Morning
For me personally my GP has been the most stable influence in this process and has helped me mull through and understand why, as time has gone on, I keep collecting specialists, learning terminology that I had no need for previously and being subjected to all sorts of different scans and tests. Breast Surgeon, Breast care nurse, Medical Oncologist, Gynaecology Oncologist, Neurosurgeon, ...………….does it ever stop!
As we are all aware Breast Cancer doesn't discriminate! No doubt for you your medical, logical brain is trying to take control however it's okay to be that frantic patient who is struggling to get their head around it all!
I note that above a great link has been provided that will help with your step children, here's another couple of links
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/telling-your-children/
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/types-of-breast-cancer/
The BCNA website has a lot of very good information
Best wishes as you work your way through emotionally and physically and as everyone says no question is silly so ask away!
Take care
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My GP has been the calm, compassionate centre of my care as well @iserbrown. I didn't understand the role the GP played at all in a BC diagnosis. It's made a difference to me.0
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@kmakm., when I'm feeling the day has too much in it, when in fact it doesn't., I often think of you and your extended family and how you are being the heartbeat of it and if at times you feel it's all too much when in fact it isn't, you especially have to soldier on as you have many depending on you. I take a look at my life and know it's nowhere as hard as yours. So I give myself a smack in the head to wake me up to dealing with whatever and know someone has it mightier than me. As for this BCNA. It had been an absolute SAVIOUR.. It is invaluable for information and support from so many. Thanks to everyone who has helped me in big and little ways, known and unknown .3
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@Blondy Sometimes it does feel like too much. It doesn’t matter if someone else is going through more, you still need to be able to grieve for YOU. I keep telling myself this too, because I cannot help others unless I first deal with me. My big girl panties are pulled up so high I had to cut eye holes in them, but I still feel the need to grieve. Great big snuggle hug to all you wonderful lovelies.1
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Gosh @Blondy, that's a very thoughtful thing to say. Thank you.
When people go to tell me their problems and then stop themselves, saying something along the lines of 'it's nothing compared to you', I always respond with 'no, your problems are your problems and no less valid than others'. If something is bothering you, well who is anyone to grade it on a scale?! The way I see it, the small to medium size problems train us for when the big ones arise! As they inevitably do.
We're all trying to do our best eh? K xox
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