Trying not to feel resentful
Milly21
Member Posts: 122 ✭
hi
i finished treatment a year and a half ago,i didnt have chemo ,i had rads and on hormonal treatment.having trouble lately im not sure why now but I’m feeling resentful (maybe it the hormofnal treatment 😂) with certain people. My 3 sister in laws,and a best friend.during my diagnosis and treatment never had any support from them,not even a text message and they all live within 15 mins away.best friend told her about cancer didn’t hear anything for 6 week when she text to say this has been hard for her,nothing since,uncomfortable when we run into each other now.now that I’m reatively back to normal (new) sister in law will ring wanting me to baby sit there children ect,I feel bitter and I don’t like feeling that way am I being unreasonable.i was lucky others were amazing
i finished treatment a year and a half ago,i didnt have chemo ,i had rads and on hormonal treatment.having trouble lately im not sure why now but I’m feeling resentful (maybe it the hormofnal treatment 😂) with certain people. My 3 sister in laws,and a best friend.during my diagnosis and treatment never had any support from them,not even a text message and they all live within 15 mins away.best friend told her about cancer didn’t hear anything for 6 week when she text to say this has been hard for her,nothing since,uncomfortable when we run into each other now.now that I’m reatively back to normal (new) sister in law will ring wanting me to baby sit there children ect,I feel bitter and I don’t like feeling that way am I being unreasonable.i was lucky others were amazing
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Comments
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You need to surround yourself with positive thoughts!
Family are what they are! Friends can be filtered out! Unfortunately some decide it is all about them and you think hang on, who has Breast Cancer? Human nature, it is so unpredictable and the ones you thought would step up disappoint and those you least expect show compassion.
Don't let it get you down, you certainly are entitled to feel resentment as long as it doesn't stay with you always, as it doesn't achieve anything! Come on here and moan and groan, as we get it and we are all in this together!
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@Milly21 I am probably not the best person to respond to this as I am still undergoing treatment. I am sure others will hop on here with great advice. I do not have many people avoiding me but I am tired of the "how are you" questions that don't allow me to reply. I am starting to dislike a lot of people and avoid them when I can. My friends list has shrunk considerably. Just as well BC has changed me so much as I will want different friends anyway. Not nice I know, but honesty has always been important to me and still is. It is also okay to say no to people. Even before BC saying no was your choice so don't feel guilty. Go out and do something just for you. You deserve it!1
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I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. Ultimately life is short, I let it go. It’s disappointing when people let you down, but you can’t control them or their responses. Resenting their treatment of you sounds like it’s dragging you down. I’m not sure I’d be rushing to babysit.
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I too was surprised and very hurt when some close friends provided little support and amazed at the kindness of others when I had not expected it. I cherish those kind people. As you say, while the truth hurts a great deal, ultimately it is worth knowing. Several years down the track I have forgiven them somewhat, realizing they had their own problems, have limitations as people like we all do, and also didn’t care as much for me as I thought they did. Turns out many people are so fascinated with their own lives they don’t pay much attention to anyone else’s. They can also be pretty demanding about wanting you to focus on their lives. Those that do care about others are rarer and wonderful. There are other people out there who can become your new friends.
It’s worth saying to others who want you to do lots for them and you don’t want to, I am sorry I would love to help but since my cancer treatment I am just not up to it, I get so tired some days. There is no answer to that.3 -
Thanks for you comments and advice,you right they probably don’t give it a second thought and wouldn’t even think they have done anything wrong,so why keep upsetting myself,it does sort people out for you,I know that sounds terrible ,and since then have made some lovely new friends.it has also made me very aware of how I will treat someone myself who needs support in the future.4
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I think that some people see their own mortality looming when a friend is diagnosed with cancer - and they just don't know what to say - so say nothing. Even family members can be a bit crass now & then .....
Go with your gut feeling - say 'no' if you don't want to babysit or anything else .... do what is right for YOU!! xx4 -
Ha, you don't have to get cancer to realise some of the people you know are shallow and self centred, but it sure brings them all into focus at once.
Your disease hasn't changed who you are, and it hasn't changed them either. You've got a fair idea what is coming next, its up to you to decide what you are going to do.
The upside of cancer, particularly when people have no idea what is actually happening, is that you can infer all sorts of difficulties which make you unavailable when you don't want to do something.
Yeah, that's naughty, but hey, you don't have to actually lie:) xxx8 -
I didn’t hear from some people that I would of expected to and then people who were acquaintances were incredibly supportive. I actually have no relationship with my mother in law now because of something she did to me during chemo. U certainly find out who your friends are.2
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I tend to agree with@iserbrown about letting things go a bit as it really doesn’t help.Yes I too have had my disappointments and surprises with people - I have tended to let some friendships drift but I don’t want to waste my time being consumed with anger / resentment as I’d rather focus on things/ people that make me feel good.I think a new balance settles in with others after a cancer diagnosis and my advice is try to not waste time and energy but go with the flow.I find my daily walks listening to my favourite music helps me move through annoyances constructively so I come home less churned up by things and people that don’t really matter.2
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PS Close family does however and that’s worth fighting for.1
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I wrote poems, well attempted them during my treatment and I just want to say I can relate. Your not alone. Here is a small piece of what I wrote..
It does show who is really there for you. I have also discovered a kindness I have never experienced from people I have never met.
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@Lulu28
What a heartfelt poem! I do hope you are able to get some enjoyment as well as knowledge from the forum.
Have you heard about the Otis Foundation? they offer a free holiday to anyone going through breast cancer
https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory
something to look forward to and lift your spirits
Take care
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Hello @Millie21. I ditto all the above responses. People are what they are and will all act differently. You need to concentrate on yourself and don't let it take over your life. Many years ago I was told "the mind is a powerful thing". How true ! You repeat things to yourself too often and you are just reinforcing the upset. As @iserbrown says, you need to surround yourself with positive thoughts. Thinking of you. Anne2
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I hate to fuel the resentment, but in my experience, the best friend who isn’t there for you during breast cancer crisis times is not your best friend. Re-evaluate. Adjust your boundaries and only let those who would lie down on train tracks for you get the title of best friend.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. x4
