frustrated with friends....

Hi Jo,

I can relate. Sometimes I still feel guilty about the people that I distanced myself from, but they were just not capable of walking my journey with me or could not understand that I needed support while I was going through treatment. I agree with leannel that a lot of times people just have no concept of what a young cancer survivor goes through, just like I have no idea what to say to someone who has lost a baby because I've never been through that.

You sound like a very positive person who loves to laugh, and I'm sure your cancer journey has taught you to live life to the fullest.  Keep doing that, with people who love and support you.

All the best,

Janet

Hi Jo - thank you for putting your thoughts up about friends, I know exactly how you feel, friends come and they go......but then I guess they are not friends.  I have recently finished my chemo and radiotherapy and people say "Oh I bet you are glad its all over!" Errrrr, excuse me? 'I WISH!', not only do you have to have regular check ups and all the other medical palava, I have to do the Herceptin every three weeks for a year.....that means going up a couple of days before to the hospital and having the dreaded blood test (only because my veins have decided to go on strike) and then the Herceptin infusion (there's another day....) it just never seems to end.  And dare I mention it to any one now, you can see their eyes 'glaze over' - they just don't want to know.  I had a skin cancer cut out of my face the other day - 11 stitches across my jawline later!  I didn't even bother to tell anyone about it, because I have the feeling they are just not interested any more - whether that is true or not, I don't know - but now I find my email box empty every day and gee, if my kids ring up, its only to rant about their teenage children and what should they do.....(heaven forbid if I dropped in a sentance about what a crap week I had at the doctors!) I don't even get the chance.  By and large I am lucky to get a phone call.   As for the friends (hullo? - where are you?).  I know one thing, the next time they bleat on at me 'how they shaved for cancer' or wore pink - I know I will shake my head and think......put your money where your mouth is!  I still can never forget one woman (so-called friend - or 'feind') who said to me "We will pray for you in church on Sunday, in the mean time, pray for my cat - it has cancer too!"  Believe me, I really wanted to say where she could shove the cat - but I was too polite and let it slide.  Another 'friend' told me "Dont' let this thing take over your life" - that little gem even cracked my husband up, being as he as to drag me kicking and screaming to appointments - We acutally think its great when we have a 'medical free week' - kinda makes you wanna kick yer heels up! So Jo, try not let it get to you, we live in a judgemental and extremely fickle world - but there are some of us who really know what page you are on.....because we're on it with you!   Chin up! x x x  Josie

thanks for the post.

we ARE on our own, but we have each other, is a saying i have now.

 yes FIRST look after number one, then people who you care about and then the wider community.

after BC, thinking and priorities change.

those who have had BC" understand " what we have to go through. 

maybe this " friend" is a bit jealous of less time you have recently had with her.

 your friendship may recover, or you may decide it is time to " let go ' of some friends and concentrate on those who make you feel " better" , now you have gone through BC.

being able to laugh about some of life's hardships and oddities, is something i cherish these days. people who can make me do that usually end up a friend, as i continue on my own unique path through life.

 wishing you happy smiles, and  shoulders to cry on,

kathy.

thanks for the post.

we ARE on our own, but we have each other, is a saying i have now.

 yes FIRST look after number one, then people who you care about and then the wider community.

after BC, thinking and priorities change.

those who have had BC" understand " what we have to go through. 

maybe this " friend" is a bit jealous of less time you have recently had with her.

 your friendship may recover, or you may decide it is time to " let go ' of some friends and concentrate on those who make you feel " better" , now you have gone through BC.

being able to laugh about some of life's hardships and oddities, is something i cherish these days. people who can make me do that usually end up a friend, as i continue on my own unique path through life.

 wishing you happy smiles, and  shoulders to cry on,

kathy.

Jo, Please just concentrate on yourself.  If you look after number ONE, then you will be better equipped to see things for what they are.  I have a "friend" (met her about 23 years ago when she became my daughter's home mum for after school care)  We used to party fairly hard when we were both single mums and I have helped her through some tough times.  She actually introduced me to my now husband.  Well I left her a message the other day as I needed to inform her of something.  I haven't heard from her since January this year - have had radiation therapy, chemo etc etc.  Did not even get a phone call from her to see how I was. (She is obsessed with earning as much money as possible at whatever cost)  Anyway tonight she returned my call (forgot what it was I needed to tell her).  She never asked how I was and when I told her I don't have to wear hats anymore as my hair is starting to now grow back - she said "Oh did you lose your hair?"  I always knew we were "miles apart" and now I am running far and fast.  Remember YOU are Number ONE.  Good luck with the radiation therapy - cold washers and moisturiser helped me to minimise burns. XLeonie

Jo, Please just concentrate on yourself.  If you look after number ONE, then you will be better equipped to see things for what they are.  I have a "friend" (met her about 23 years ago when she became my daughter's home mum for after school care)  We used to party fairly hard when we were both single mums and I have helped her through some tough times.  She actually introduced me to my now husband.  Well I left her a message the other day as I needed to inform her of something.  I haven't heard from her since January this year - have had radiation therapy, chemo etc etc.  Did not even get a phone call from her to see how I was. (She is obsessed with earning as much money as possible at whatever cost)  Anyway tonight she returned my call (forgot what it was I needed to tell her).  She never asked how I was and when I told her I don't have to wear hats anymore as my hair is starting to now grow back - she said "Oh did you lose your hair?"  I always knew we were "miles apart" and now I am running far and fast.  Remember YOU are Number ONE.  Good luck with the radiation therapy - cold washers and moisturiser helped me to minimise burns. XLeonie

Jo,your friend is probably young and healthy and not able to fully understand what you are going through.She sounds like she might be abit jealous of your new friendship with Sam.I guess you have to think how important is this friend  in your life at the moment.If she is then you'll overlook her shortcomings and "make up".If she's abit toxic and stressing you out then it won't hurt to keep your distance for awhile.Congrats on finishing chemo-you are soooo brave to go through that at your age.After chemo,radiation will seem like a picnic!!

                                                  Tonya xx

woah she doesnt sound like the type of friend you would want!! focus on those people who do love and support you.

congrats on finishing chemo and hope radiotherapy treats you ok.

woah she doesnt sound like the type of friend you would want!! focus on those people who do love and support you.

congrats on finishing chemo and hope radiotherapy treats you ok.

Hi Jo - good job throwing all that down and getting it out of your head!! 

I have friends that couldn't even pick up the phone to say "hi and how are you" when I was diagnosed!  I decided that there were probably reasons why they didn't and didn't try to lose too much sleep over it. For some people, being sick in any form is so far removed from their own experience that they don't know how to act around others that are, nor can be expected to understand. Some also are so wrapped up in their own world that they don't realise that everyone's world is not the same as theirs.

I imagine that your friends are all young and sickness may not really be on their radar.

I must admit that I have no idea personally what chemo feels like as I was lucky that i didn't have to have it last year.  I do remember how sick my Mum was at 48 when she went through it though.  I was 24 and was pretty busy getting engaged and planning our wedding, so on reflection probably still really didn't know exactly how she felt a lot of the time nor took the time to ask, as my world still continued.

Glad you have finished Chemo so that is one thing crossed off the list!  Imagine radiotherapy will bring different symptoms and feelings but once done, will be another thing crossed off. 

Focus on the positives in any friendship and hope that when the dust settles that you can pick up partying with them all where you left off!!

We all have days that we could scream at everyone and then days that it feels like the whole BC never existed. 

Take each day as it comes and never feel guilty at venting in this forum - this is one place that whilst everyone's journey is different, we are united by this disease in whatever form it personally takes.  Gives us all a bond and understanding that someone that has not experienced it cannot truly understand.  Is circumstance but no-ones fault!!

Have a great day.

Leanne :-) xx