Fear : does it ever leave you?

Teigra

25 months post diagnosis, 6months post treatment not including daily letrozole- 10 day old First time Grandmother at 53yr old!!!!! I’m blessed to still have my mother, so 4 generation of girls- very special!!! 
I hate that any and every special thing in my life awakens my darkest fear. Do you ever get to a point where you can see your life in the future?? Reconstruction surgery planned for this year and I’m questioning if it’s worth putting myself & loved ones through the BC intrusion again. 

onemargie

Hi there @Teigra I have just gone 2 years cancer free and I definately think about recurrence less these days. I had triple negative bc stage 2a grade 3 and double mastectomy.  No lymph nodes involved and scans all clear. I don’t take any post treatment meds as I was triple neg. I felt quite vulnerable after finishing chemo as I felt the chemo “was protecting me” in a way but as time goes on I still have that fear in the back of my mind but it’s pushed right to the back and I now focus on what I can have control of not what I can’t. I’m also working heaps more so I have more distraction and that also helps me to focus on other things. You sound like you have a lovely family. Focus on that and all that is good in your life love.  Big hug. margie x

Teigra

Thankyou Margie,  wishing you all the best x

Jandy232

Hi Teigra, I was diagnosed in April 2012 and finished treatment (apart from 5 years of tamoxifen) about 6 months later. So it's been about 6 years. No I don't think the fear ever completely leaves you but it definitely lessens over time. It's not something I think about daily or even weekly now. but it's there in the back of my mind. This might sound weird but I try to use it as a motivating factor to live a healthier life. Since my diagnosis and treatment I've improved my diet, cut back on my chardonnay consumption and really stepped up my exercise. I know none of these things are a guarantee against recurrence but working hard to stick to them makes me feel a bit safer. It's one of the reasons I drop in here from time to time too, to remind myself to be vigilant. Also, I suppose at 52 now I feel like people our age are getting vulnerable to all kinds of diseases. In a way I feel like a BC recurrence is just one thing I have to watch out for. We get older, things go wrong unfortunately. But on the other hand, being more conscious or my mortality, how precious my life and health are, also makes me value the good things in life more. How lovely to have a granddaughter. I hope I will get to be a grandmother one day too  (although not too soon, my oldest is only 21). I guess all I can add is take good care of yourself and try not to dwell too much on it and make the most of the good and precious things in your life. X

Romla

@TeigraI was so afraid on most things after active treatment ended as I lost my security blanket of much activity with medical people when suddenly it was up to my own devices and too much time to think. I had quite a low spot a month or so after it ended and Cancer Connect  thru  the Cancer Council helped a lot - talking to a woman who had had breast cancer 10 years previously and was now enjoying life but giving back to others via the helpline.

I started getting active within the breast cancer community on the blog , joining a local breast cancer group and attending Encore.I learnt that I was not alone , that many of the things I felt others did too plus I also started to realise that I could still enjoy life. I gained that confidence by talking to other breast cancer people.My intensity and fear started to ebb.

Then I started to look outwards - started daily one hour walks , joined a local exercise class - easing back into life as well as picking up my former life - I became less self focussed and frozen by fear.

In the early days every bodily change threw me - now less so but anxiety builds a little before my annual scans.So to answer you question yes fear to a degree remains as I am aware of the possibilities but it does not stop me participating in life and enjoying it.It is no longer uppermost in my mind.

primek

It most definitely gets better and I feel reconstruction mentally helps with the mental healing also. I've still to have nipple reconstruction and wonder if I should continue...but I know I will be happier once done and not constantly noticing their absence every time I change. I think new life makes us think about the  future. That's normal. But hopefully for you as time moves on the dark thoughts will too. Forever changed...yes indeed...our sense of safety. ...never the same,  but most learn to live with it and begin to see a future with us in it. Kath x

Zoffiel

We are geared to live with a level of fear; our bodies, and minds, do all sorts of intersting things when we are frightened or stressed. Millions of years of evolution churning into action, driven by our funny little brain boxes. Being perpetually under the pump is not good for us, so the survival instinct kicks in and, eventually, we develop a bit of imunity and don't react as strongly when we think of the threat. Being scared, though, is very sensible because the threat doesn't ever go away (sorry) You will find it drops off your radar for days/weeks/ months at a time. Deep breathes.keep plodding. Mxx

melclarity

@Teigra I think the simple answer is probably NO, the fear never leaves, I think it's because its a very real thing for any of us having been through BC. I had my 1st diagnosis in 2011 and I admit after that I didnt think about it or dream Id have a recurrence especially as I'd had aggressive treatment for what I had. 4yrs later a recurrence in the same spot, so then chemo, no rads as couldnt have it twice, and meds. I am currently 3yrs clear 2nd diagnosis and 50yrs old, I lost my Mum 9yrs ago and her Mum within 3 months of her. 1yr post treatment I had a single mastectomy diep flap reconstruction, it is a massive op but so personal for me. It had nothing to do with anyone else, so all I can say is, it's not about putting your family through it....it's about how you feel and what you want.

Everyday is a blessing, we dont know what is around the corner, I don't dwell on the whatifs though either, I can't control it, none of us can, we just do all the things we can to be the best we can and enjoy what we have.

So put you first above everyone else, that was my biggest lesson through it all...something Id never done ever. I learned to value me so much more. xx

iserbrown

@Teigra
 
I'd have to say No it never really leaves you.  As time goes on we learn to park it somewhere in the background where a little niggle awakens the OMG - I have found now I have such a heightened awareness of my body that when a new creak, ache, pain or something or other surfaces I have to say now think about this, what did you do to create that pang.  
This year is my 3rd review (next week) and I am probably at my most relaxed I have been.  It is an acceptance and it is what it is attitude that helps but it does get awakened occasionally.
Hopefully you can find some coping mechanisms to park it and enjoy the everyday

As to reconstruction well that is totally personal.  For me it was immediate with expanders so I was in it from the start whereas from what I can gather you are wondering if you should or not!  I would say don't treat it as a BC intrusion but as a new you coming out of a crap time.

Talk to the BCNA nurses on the helpline "Need support or information about breast cancer, for yourself, a friend or family member? Call BCNA 1800 500 258 or email contactbcna.org.au."

and perhaps consider joining (if you haven't done so already)  http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/1-choosing-breast-reconstruction

Take care

Teigra

Thankyou everyone for your comments,advice and support- much appreciated!! Best wishes to you all xxx