"I don't have time for BC"

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  • tigerbeth
    tigerbeth Member Posts: 539 ✭
    @Flips Welcome to our world , luckily the ladies here are lovely , kind ,sympathetic ,informative, funny , approachable & always available .
     Sorry you find yourself here , my diagnosis was only a few weeks before yours , such a shock , I've had a lumpectomy  & waiting for radiation to commence in a few weeks .Its all shit !! I concur that the biopsy hurt like a bitch !! A friend of mine knew it would but didn't tell me as she didn't want to stress me out more.

    Being younger you do have added pressure with the decisions you have to make for your future ,sounds like your guy is a goody if he's still around ,don't lock him out (lets face it most guys find this hard to deal with ).

    This is a massive learning curve ,cant believe what I didn't know before hand , which has made me a bit of a preacher to anyone with boobs !! Check, Check & Check again !!
    A great deal of this battle is  with our emotions ,expectations & the interruption to our life plan , hard to get a handle on these I know ,but baby steps I reckon & don't be too hard on yourself . Share the load when you can .
    As the others have said come here to rant , bitch, moan & cry ,we get it !!! 

    Good luck with your recovery 
    Hugs xxx
  • Flips
    Flips Member Posts: 12 ✭
    @tigerbeth You know, to be honest, I didn't know what the lump is meant to feel like. I've heard a breast cancer lump doesn't hurt. Hence why I had my doubts what the lump was on my breast. I must admit, I lack the education. But most of all, I was scared to find out the truth. Telling my sister's, they too became scared of finding a lump on their own breasts. It was kind of hard to explain to both my sister's how the lump feels like. 

    If I had a word to describe how I feel right now, coming on this service, I would have to say - "relieved". It is almost like I am secretly suffering inside to prevent others from seeing how I really feel. It is hard enough to see my loved ones cry or feel sorry for me, so I put on a brave face. On here, I can open up. Feel safe. 

    Thank you. Good luck @tigerbeth on your recovery too. Good luck to all women and men on their recovery through cancer. It is a bitch of a thing.
  • tigerbeth
    tigerbeth Member Posts: 539 ✭
    @Flips we are all masters of putting on that brave face !! So here is the perfect place to find what you need . 
    To be honest we need to listen to our bodies & get to know your boobs really well. I was unable to feel my lump !
    i had a weird ,warmish sensation in my boob that led me to keep feeling it , thought I felt a lump , doc couldn't feel anything but sent me to have a mammogram to be on the safe side !! Low & behold they detect a lump but not where I thought !! 

    So in essence I was lucky , lucky to have it found early & be able to have it dealt with . 
    F**k cancer !!
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    edited May 2018
    The guilt is something shocking eh? But we just have to talk ourselves out of it. No one asks to get BC, there's no blame to be laid, so there really shouldn't be any guilt. Last night I said to my husband that I felt like a burden to him. He looked at me completely blankly. He didn't comprehend what I meant. When I elaborated he shut me down very quickly. I am no more a burden to him than he would be to me if our roles were reversed.

    I know you are in a different position to me, you are a lot younger and haven't yet met your life partner. I think if I was in your position I would attempt to achieve a state of grace in my presentation to my boyfriend. As in, my attitude would be 'this is me, in all my human complexity, in a bad time, not just a good time, I will do my best, fight the good fight, but I will also cry, wail and despair. Take me as I am, in all my human glory'. Does that make sense? 

    It is up to him to "make changes or drop everything", this is another thing out of your control! I think as he is your boyfriend it is reasonable to ask for some support, but as it's a fairly new relationship, your expectations must be tempered by reality, which I think you're already doing. The flipside is of course that if he sticks around he's most likely a top bloke who's in to you for all the right reasons. If he can't hack it, he's not the one for you. Well that's what I reckon anyway!

    You definitely need to make your decisions for you. You need to be front and centre. Be kind to yourself. That goes for everyone on this BC rollercoaster. I have considerable family responsibilities and frequently referenced my decision making within that framework. My lovely breast surgeon corrected me every time, saying you have to make your decisions for you, no one else.

    Bloody good news that your lymph nodes were negative and that you don't have to do chemo. You've got this Flip! You're getting the help you need and it sounds like you've got your head screwed on the right way. Plus you write really well! I think you just need some time for your emotions to catch up to what's happened to your body. You'll get there. K xox
  • Flips
    Flips Member Posts: 12 ✭
    @kmakm yes, what you are saying does make sense. I should adopt a different attitude towards my boyfriend and those around me. Embrace my complexities.

    However, to be vulnerable in front of people is putting me out of my comfort zone. It feels confronting to be writing this. As if I am showing a weak side of me and it is not normal. It's the 'unknown' that feels uncomfortable and I struggle with that sometimes. What I mean is - I have to shuffle my life around because cancer is making changes whether I like it or not. Maybe I need to figure out how to make peace with cancer - accept it and everything that comes along with it. 

    I like your advice. Kind of like - 'changing the way I think and feel towards what has happened to my body'. Sounds reasonable. 

    Thanks x
    Flips
  • Blondy
    Blondy Member Posts: 238 ✭
    Flip rhymes with blip.
    This is a blip on your radar and you are going to flip it. 
    I was diagnosed Sept 29 2018. I viewed it as a blip on my radar and now the blip is behind me. I created a Team Unicorn for my family and friends to help me. You sound very like me, strong  independent and healthy. I was incredibly healthy and knew that any sickness I'd have during treatment was due to chemo and radiation. So that was a good thing.  Chemo and radiotherapy was purely for insurance against recurrence as the lump was large but no spread  I finished chemo mid Feb and rad end of April. My oncologist says I have breezed through it. Nothing has happened that wasn't expected. I've suffered physically but only from the treatment. There were days when I had to be massively strong mentally to stop being sucked into a pool of not coping. My Mantra from the beginning was that cancer was NOT going to rob me of anything. The mental fight has been my test throughout this. I do believe it's whats got me through  Being positive,, seeing this as a blip on my radar. Being selfish for once in my life and going through the last 7 months looking out for me, and not making my life about pleasing others. Using that energy instead to heal me. I  worked during treatment when able, as I am self employed because it helped me to feel normal. I went to gigs with my husbands band and sang my few songs when able. I didn't want to be a wilting flower. Only I could determine how I'd get through it  I chose to be on top  Okay I ve got this crappy disease,  it's going to take 7 months to sort it out  It's been like childbirth, something you go through but have no wish to remember. But yes,  that core biopsy. Killer and most painful of everything. Hit a blood vessel. Agonising. Black breast 6x6 inches for months. Everything gone, over  with,, letrozole for years  so far so good as I wouldn't even know I'm taking it. I must admit that anything that has side effects regarding my libido gets my horns out.. Not allowing that to happen. So far so good. Flip, stay strong, get your support team, be selfish, it is all about you, you are the most important thing you have. Rest, rest and rest  Do what you want when you know you can and then more rest. Before you know it it will be behind you . After my last chemo  it compounded and many weeks later I had to stop on the stairs to work 3 times to get up them. Today I ran up them. My energy level is high but I still pace myself and rest. Wishing you well.  

  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    edited May 2018
    I so understand how you are feeling. It waa after my re-excision that I really started to cry. I was alone in my room when my surgeon came in. It was late in the day, and I know he had a wife and kids at home waIting for him. He sat with me for ages and was so gentle and kind. It was one of the kindest anyone has ever been to me.

    I    t was dawning on me that my life had irrevocably changed, and that what was happening was going to change me. This was upsetting me intensely. I didn't want to change, I'd had enough change in my life and had worked hard to come to a place of acceptance, of self-acceptance. My surgeon didn't sugar coat it, he was brutally gentle. You will change, there is nothing you can do about it. There are no guarantees in life and none of us know what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone when we are going to die.

    He was right of course. The sooner I could accept the change the sooner I'd feel better. It was months before I could, but I did in the end. It still chafes from time to time, however every event in our lives shapes us and BC is a big event.

    I struggled with feeling so vulnerable. I was unable to shake it off, I had no reserves. I just had to accept it. It has made me a more empathetic and humble person. That can't be a bad thing eh? K xox
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,374 ✭
    Hi @flips As I have found out being too busy and, in my case.too grumpy to have time for cancer doesn't seem to make any difference. Now I've had to deal with it twice. To say that it is inconvenient is an understatement; it's the biggest fucking nuisance I have ever encountered.

    The surgery is brutal, but ultimately survivable. If you've dodged chemo and rads that is an excellent thing and should mean you can get back to something resembling a normal life quite quickly.

     I don't think you ever get over the shock of diagnosis and it leaves a nasty feeling of something lurking behind you, just out of sight. I wasn't surprised to find I had cancer the first time and was expecting it the second, but it has rattled me and does make you consider things that you had previously either taken for granted or put on the back burner to deal with 'later.' Good luck. Mxx
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,961 ✭
    Hi @Flips Welcome to the group - we're here for when you need to cry, rage, laugh or ask for advice.  Getting diagnosed is a shocker, isn't it?  I think that much of the early weeks, I was in a half-state of reality.  As many of the women here have said, I too was independent - the one who did the organising for the rest of the family (any anyone else who needed it).  I was always being told that I was a whirlwind at work - things would be done before my colleagues and managers got around to it.  Now, my life is on hold for the immediate future but with a purpose goal of a healthy survivorship. You can see my bio by clicking on my name.  I can't control what is in my future but I can try to do the best I can to make it a positive one.  Re: your boyfriend - it's a big ask of anyone to be the partner of someone going through bc treatment as it is so all-consuming, but personally, I'd let that one develop or not as it needs to, as you would with any life crisis.
    And the biggest piece of advice - one step at a time.
  • melclarity
    melclarity Member Posts: 3,531 ✭
    edited May 2018
    @Flips thanks for sharing your story and so honestly. It is a gutwrenching time physically, mentally and emotionally. I think we all had the same thought, 'we don't have time for this' and yet here we are? . So many decisions in such a short time is horrendous, and I agree I've had 2 different types of biopsies in my 7yr ordeal and I would never do it again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing on this path as you will see as you go. I'm so sorry that you had to have the mastectomy immediately, that in itself is so incredibly demanding mentally.

    I think as you stated the hardest thing to believe is, you are fit and healthy and obviously eat well, yet we are hammered constantly and basically they say diet and exercise will reduce your risk of getting Breast Cancer and yet here you are...and EVERYONE I know are just like you including me. Diet and exercise did not spare me my 1st diagnosis in 2011 and it didnt spare my recurrence in 2015. I don't care what the stats say, I know real people and this just isn't a factor at all. I went to gym 3 days a week and walked 4 days a week prior to my 1st diagnosis and ate a healthy diet. I had to have chemo in 2015 as it was Stage 2, Grade 3 aggressive all within my yearly checkup? really after I'd already had radiation for DCIS, clear margins for lumpectomy and tamoxifen for 4yrs and a good healthy lifestyle??? but it came back?? and they don't know why. So I had Genetic Couselling as only had my Mum who had BC that's it, I was BRCA Gene negative and the Counsellors all recommended a single mastectomy was all I needed as the other breast is independent and my risk was no different to the normal population. That in itself was gutting..I cannot tell you mentally how hard it was for me to get my head around. 14months post chemo I did have the single mastectomy but with immediate diep flap reconstruction. A very hard long road but I have to say, the outcome was better than I thought it could be and psychologically I have coped so much better. Going flat on 1 side was never an option as am an E cup but size 10-12. It's so very personal for everyone but I couldnt have done a mastectomy without the reconstruction for many reasons. I had this surgery as my breast was damaged by radiation so the skin was too fragile and thin. 

    I can say through treatment was the hardest and some very dark days and I can be completely honest with you, I didn't care if I made it through those days in the end, that's how horrific it was and how sick I was. I was a single parent of 2 Teenage Children at the time and this was my 2nd time around and it was damn hard. I was always a workaholic but you know what?? the Universe had other ideas. Once I surrendered to what was going to be my life I was better in myself. Yes it was hard on so many levels, but you do get through and you wonder as the years go on how you even did it? I don't put work first anymore and wouldnt you know?? Im back full time this year and doing great, haven't needed any leave at all, typical huh? lol The biggest thing I found in the end was, I could not choose to do any of this for anyone else...it had to be for me or not at all and I couldnt carry anyone elses thoughts or feelings on my diagnosis. So I have always done my appts alone. Im incredibly selfless but this taught me finally that I mattered too, and I had to love me more and put me first.

    Friends and family are great but they dont understand the complexity of it all and when they see you recovered either by treatment or surgery they feel your OK again and normal again. So here is a perfect place to come and just talk because we get it.

    I was 43 at 1st diagnosis, 47 at 2nd and now 3 yrs clear :D all surgeries finished and bursting back into life again. Just remember this is a moment in time and it's not what we get dealt but how we choose to deal with it. You're doing great! just take each step at a time and know with certainty you can do it and you absolutely will move forward with a different perspective of course...be kind to you above all else.

    PS I was 5 months into a new relationship at my 2nd diagnosis, timing?? he was beautiful...3.5 years later we now live together :D there is so much waiting ahead....keep going.

    Hugs Melinda xo
  • kezmusc
    kezmusc Member Posts: 1,553 ✭
    Hi @Flips,

    As you can see, everyone here is so full of support, knowledge and warmth.  Absolutely it is an inconvenient shit fight.  Like @Kmakm.  I had so much planned that year.  Twins 18th birthday party down the coast, stepsons 21st birthday two weeks later, step daughters formal and graduation and Christmas is always at my place as well. Jam in there a month of scans, biopsies, two surgeries, chemo and radiation.  What a whirlwind.  I did find being that busy helped me get through with a lot of distractions going on. No matter which way you look at it there is never a convenient time to have cancer it's just not something anyone puts in there schedule.

    It's amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye. one minute your just getting on with it and the next, time has frozen, everything goes out the window, your body has betrayed you and you no longer feel like you have any control, or that you are the same person even.

    Like@melclarity said.  This thing does not discriminate on age, fitness, diet or any of those things.  I like to call it god lotto and we, unfortunately, were the winners of that lotto.

    Like you, and many of us on here,  I am one of those "I can do it myself, I don't need to rely on anyone, if it breaks I can fix it, bit of a control freak" kind of woman and the emotional tidal wave takes you by complete surprise.  I did not know that side of me even existed.  I remember in the early weeks riding along on the tractor with hubby filling all the stock waters trying to ignore what was to come then came the cloud of fog and I hit the dirt in a crying babbling mess for no particular reason .  Who the f**k is this person?

    I lurked the pages of the forum and didn't even post until I was nearly finished treatment.  Not a big talker about my feelings generally and keep my cards close. I like to put nasty things at the back of my mind and live in denial (lol). 
    But what a relief to finally get it all out on here and hopefully give back a little if I can.  This is still really the only place I will talk in depth about this whole roller coaster ride. And I have all the lovelies on here to thank for that.

    It will get better with time.  Hard to believe at the start I know.  Mid July I will be 12 months past active treatment.  I am pretty much the same person as when I went in to this.  The things that have changed are quite positive.  I take time to stop and appreciate things I was always too busy to even notice or took for granted.  I rarely get grumpy about anything trivial and I try to take at least an hour or so a day just for me. 

    I am thankful I found it when I did.  Another 12 months and it might have been a different outcome.  I'm thankful I've gotten through treatment quite ok, but mostly I am thankful it was me who won the lotto not one of my family.

    Keep talking, keep asking questions.  Everyone here knows where you are coming from.

    All the best
    XOXOXOX


      

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