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Annski you get me
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Hi Sam09 - my husband is in a severe state of denial and there are times when I long for the gentle touch or indication of empathy but we have been married for 50 years and I know its not going to happen. If something worries or concerns him then he shuts it out and to shut out his fear of losing me to cancer he needs to shut me out as well. When I get home from treatment or a consultation he will ask how it went and then start to walk away from me, he'll say, "I'm still listening". I know he doesn't want to hear and at times its hard not to be sarcastic, so I usually say, "I'll tell you later" which means when we are facing each other, maybe when I hand him a coffee or having dinner. Friends and family and some health professionals cannot comprehend that someone could be so 'selfish and uncaring' and, 'yes' many times that's how it feels to me. My way of living with this is to be very direct at expressing my needs and wants and I always start with an "I" statement, eg, 'Right now I am feeling overwhelmed because I'm waiting for results and I'd like you to tell me how you are feeling. Can you do that please because I think it will help me feel a bit better?' Sometimes this works really well. Don't expect your husband or children to read your body language - they are probably so stunned by their own fear that they have shut down any previous ability to 'read' you. They could also be angry because their lives have changed for ever. This is a very tough one and only you will know how best to navigate this. I went to a psychologist but it did not help, I don't think she had any idea as to the severity of his denial and consequent behaviors, she also mentioned 'mindfulness' to which I wanted to yell, 'You're suggesting what!!???' In a moment of deep loneliness I phoned the Cancer Council and it was a very wise move for me. She made no judgements about my husband or me, she understood the extent of his fear and hence denial, and my sense of loneliness, frustration and anger. She talked common sense and I felt stronger. Keep this real, someone posted 'Today was a dark day and that's ok'. You are doing this tough, its real. I hope this discussion helps you to figure our your own way - what works for one like a miracle my have no relevance to another. Trust in you, only you know what you need and want. Keep posting to this list, take what you want and leave the rest.
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Sam09 = go easy on yourself. I do not believe that you were wallowing in self pity. I have felt ignored, neglected, unsupported, lonely and angry and I know I have every good reason to feel these strong emotions. It doesn't do any harm to do the occasional reality check, ie, am I being a but precious about myself?, and I believe all we have to do is remind ourselves that the very fact of posting to this discussion list means that we are living it tough right now. All feelings are ok its the way we express them that my cause a problem. I was diagnosed June 2011 and treatment and checks have been ongoing. I know that cancer is never just about the individual, by its very nature it has tentacles that pull in family, friends and even work mates and these people, like you and me, also feel fear, doubt, anxiety and anger etc. This list is so important and I am ever grateful to the BCNA for creating a safe place for us to express whatever needs to be expressed.
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Hi there @Sam09. BC has a huge range of different emotions for everyone involved. I think your family are taking you for granted and you should tell your daughter especially how cancelling your days out hurts you so much you are just trying to make every day count like we all do no matter what stage our cancer is and you want to take advantage of the fact that you don’t look or feel sick as such. I think you need to be a bit more selfish and start to do things that make you happy. Perhaps there is a hobby for example you can take up that gets you out of the house and where you can make new friends ? Where abouts do you live love ? Is there a BC support group you can join or interact with ? I help with the fundraising with my local one and it’s great for me for example. I also think perhaps some counselling might help too. It will give you the tools to manage your emotions better and how to talk to your family when they are being inconsiderate and selfish and how better to deal with their “brushing you and how you’re feeling” under the carpet. If you happen to be in brisbane north side let me know. Biggest hug. Margie xx1
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Hi Sam09 Your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm just beginning my BC journey so you are in a different place to me. I think a BC support group is a good idea - people who are or who have walked in your shoes. I think learning to be selfish is difficult for those who've always been the supporter of others. It's hard to break old habits both for the supporter and for the supported. A step away from the supporter role could be a good thing. Someone suggested you treating yourself by going away for a break. You don't have to go far away. Just a place where you would like to be, where you can be in a space, where you can relax, spoil yourself and love yourself. It may assist in resetting roles and would also give you the time for a "love me myself" opportunity (stroke yourself lovingly) and perhaps a chance for a healing cry. But I'm not a counsellor, just someone who had to try to learn the "allow some selfish" lesson at age 62!! I had been the rock for everyone and the rock was fracturing. I went to Italy and Switzerland! But now anywhere near ocean or fresh water is good enough. Big hug from me. Catch the hug and hug yourself. xxoo0
