Partners

Spiv1803

Has anyone elses partners been less than sympathetic during this fd up journey?
Mine is great, but when he's been drinking he turns into an argumentative person.  I  am just trying to keep my stress levels down. I am battling breast cancer for fuck sake.
I feel like sometimes he just foegets.
Well I DON'T. 

Molly001

Hi @Spiv1803 lots of us have had moments of our partners being boofheads... less than sensetive or sympathetic at times. Just remember it's a loooong journey for your family too, and although it doesn't excuse poor behaviour, we're all human. If it's happening often talk to him about it (prob when not drunk!) Get some help from outside if needed from a counsellor etc. If he's being violent, this is unacceptable and please get yourself help. Otherwise this is a great place to vent!

Spiv1803

Hi @Molly001 thanks for the advice. 
No definitely not violent but I just feel like he forgets, well he isn't going through it physically is he? That's only my deal.
i will talk to him about it and probably get some outside professional advice too. X

Afraser

Resentment and denial don't just beset the person with cancer. It can take us years (literally) to reset the new normal - so it's hard too for a partner, however sympathetic, who isn't going through it to adjust. The person with cancer is also (perfectly reasonably) focussed on self. When my partner got early bowel cancer a few years after my bc, I was bemused by his earnest descriptions of his side effects - all as revelations - apparently unaware of the similar side effects (but worse!) that I had had! You gotta be there to understand. His confusion just gets more apparent when his feelings are loosened by alcohol. I agree with Molly001, avoid discussions when he has been drinking, but you might talk to him another time about who he talks to about his own confusion and stress. Best wishes.

June1952

Hi @Spiv1803
As @Molly001 said, most of us find that our partners turn into boofheads, alcohol inspired or not.
They simply do not understand the physical and emotional journey and, as we continue on with our lives doing what we've always done, they just think all is well in their world - not even thinking about us.
Is his drinking perhaps a reaction to what is happening to you ?  Some partners fear the worst and do not know how to cope.
Do seek some advice and do talk to him about how he makes you feel.
You are in our thoughts.
Summer  

primek

Some people think true feelings are spoken when people are drunk...but this can't be further from the truth for many.

Everyday we have thoughts pop into our heads that we sort and dismiss. If we were out and saw someone in some hideous outfit we might think...oh that looks revolting...like mutton dressed up as lamb...would we say it?...ummm no.
We might think ...oh I could just slap you in the face for what you just said...but we don't.  

Hundreds of thoughs pop through our heads in any given hour and we sort, sift and dismiss lots. 

But alcohol...yes alcohol...firstly it's a depressive, a disinhibiter and the wonderful filter is temporarily disengaged. So any stupid thought that pops in there just blurts out...especially if a lot is consumed.

Men in general are terrible at expressing fears and worry. They think there job is to fix it and when they can't they feel hopeless and insecure. But would they talk about it...uh no. My husband is somebody who like routine. Right down to regular meals. When I'm not well...whether that be depression, work stress or breast cancer...his world is tipped upside down. His safe life of knowing I will be home at this time mostly, that dinner will be ready, the house will be looked after and that I am happy is threatened. He doesn't know what to do and how to fix it. My husband spends money at these times. He is unaware of it. It is just what he does.

So people cope differently. It's not easy for you though putting up with it. If the drinking is frequently it may be his way of coping. However it might be something you need to talk about when sober. Tell him about his behaviour and it's impact on you. Ask him if he is okay. Maybe he would benefit from a counsellor to discuss fears. My husband saw one during my treatment. 

Anyway lots to think about. Take care. Kath x

Spiv1803

Thanks girls, you're all so wonderful. Nice to vent to strangers rather than talking about it with friends who will judge my husband when he's really been so good during this time.
i think the drunk thing is really annoying ATM. Don't get me wrong, I could party like the rest of them, but since treatment I obviously don't feel like it. Happy to have one , maybe two but not swinging from the rafters that's for sure. My focus has changed, I've changed, I want to get so much out of the diagnosis, I want it to become something good. 
Maybe I want him to see this with me but how can he? It's my journey alone at the end of the day. 
I get my back up as soon as he has a couple of beers, we are very social and have a lot of friends so it's not about him being at home cracking beers, it's always in company by the way.
maybe it's my issue after all.

primek

That makes sense. I used to be the last to leave at a dinner. Talking for hours with friends and reluctant to part. I drank very little tbough as I am a cheap drunk.  Now though I'm ready to go home first. I find I'm just ready to be home and relax. Yes. Cancer treatment has certainly changed me. It's changed my energy. 

With all couples life sometimes gets out of sync with our direction. It's important to have conversations around this so you don't end up resentful every time you go out. It may well be he wants life to go back as it was...for us though, we are forever changed and feeling safe and happy in that changed life takes time. 

Brenda5

Heard the term, happy wife, happy life. It is very difficult when wife has cancer. He is not coping well and is looking for the happy in a bottle.
My husband never drinks at all unless its a beer with our 80 year old neighbor but he did get very depressed. He is now on the antidepressants that I was supposed to be taking but I had a reaction and can't take them. Hubby says he is doing great on them. 
Have you heard of sympathy pains in pregnancy where the hubby gets them too? That's my hubby. It annoys me sometimes that I can't have one darn side effect that he doesn't make it all about him and have them too.

Spiv1803

I think he's never been good when he's been drinking so was just hoping he'd change a little now

melclarity

@spiv1803 I think you actually said it all, whether its your partner or anyone in your life, they just can't possibly understand the depth of what you are going through, for so many reasons. There seems to be quite a few things at play as you have said, the hardest being that your life together was a certain way, then all of a sudden due to diagnosis and treatment your life is changing but his isn't, not in the way that yours is. Whether its through illness or other things in life, no matter the relationship it is hard when 1 persons direction is changed through want or not, and so you are both left to navigate through the new path. Its not easy at all, but I guess communication is everything for both of you...you'll get there.

I've been down this road twice, the 2nd diagnosis I was only in a new relationship 6 months, 3 yrs later he's still here lol. He is less than perfect absolutely...but he stood by my side every inch of the way, great at so many things and some not so much. I learnt to lean elsewhere such as a close friend for what I felt I couldnt get.

I was married for 13 years, to everyone the perfect marriage and pigeon pair kids, home etc., he was great in so many ways but emotionally didn't know how, so my cracks were there. My Mum died suddenly in 2009 and he'd never experienced loss, I also had to be there for everyone else that I had no time to grieve. Our paths at that point became very different through it all, I felt incredibly unsupported that no matter how I tried I couldnt find the path back to what we used to be. 

So I guess I'm saying all relationships are hard but its just about finding your way through it all, redefining it as it goes along...he sounds like he does do a great job and I totally get your frustration when he drinks. Communication is everything however you find the way directly or professionally.

Hang in there,

Hugs Melinda xo

Romla

I think sometimes I am my own worst enemy by being too competent - I find I am then expected to always be so regardless of my own wellbeing - I was astounded to be told by my daughter after my surgery she never worried as she knew I’d come through just like I always had before and my husband still believes I was cured back in March when I had surgery - I sometimes think it suits my family to hold these beliefs. I am not saying my family are bad people but they have grown comfortably accustomed to Mrs Organiser/ Fix it and are failing to see both my age - 63- and my emotional state and have really shown little effort in understanding what exactly has happened to me preferring to believe I am still Superwoman/Wonderwoman. I feel somewhat hung by my own petard and am struggling to dispel the myth.Life for me changed last March just wish my family could see that.At the risk of being a broken record one of the other reasons I have taken up walking for an hour daily is to have an outlet for my frustration with my family rather than deal with it more negatively ie it helps me manage me to stay calm , switch off sometimes , think at other times and in the words of the song” Let it go” - I can’t change others but I can change how I react.

socoda

Hi @Spiv1803 , perhaps when your partner is sober you could give him the telephone numbers to both BCNA helpline 1800 500 258 (Tues & Thur to 9pm) or Cancer Council 131120 (on a bit of paper he can carry with him) and let him know that if he needs to talk to someone about his fears for your well being and your life together, that there is help for him too.
If his drinking has escalated since your diagnosis can you voice your concern to him about this? Perhaps even try and work on a different type of social outing that the two of you can occasionally enjoy together - perhaps something like golf? Hope it improves for you. Xx Cath