reflection & where to now?

Wow, sounds like you've been through a lot lately! Gotta love the emotional roller coaster - NOT! I was a mess after chemo and I still find I cry more easily than before. And I'm so sorry to hear about Tonya and your mum, but don't blame yourself, that's a burden you don't need to carry. It is what it is. And yes, I was scared of every ache and pain after chemo (almost 4 years ago now!), but the aches and pains eventually go away and now the only time I go to the doctor is for my check ups and mammograms. I still have days where I'm scared or worried, but the good days far outnumber the bad ones now. Looking forward to the day when you can say the same! Lots of hugs to you and your mum! xx

Gosh,you have been having such a rough time of it.Sometimes you get a whole lot of crap rain down on you at once and none of it is your fault Jo.Crap just happens-we don't always know why and it's often to the nicest people.I am so sorry about your friend passing and your mum having a heart attack.What a sad time for you.Your mum needs you and you also need time to grieve so don't overload yourself with commitments.I know what you mean about wanting to be more involved with"pink"work and then sometimes wanting to get right away from cancer.You'll find a happy medium.It's like anything in life-you don't want to be doing it 24/7. I think we all worry about a recurrence and the only thing that will ease that is time. Since I've gone past the 2yr mark,I don't dwell on it so much.But it only takes a lump or a pain and you are right back there ay! All your pink sisters know how that feels.Sending you hugs Jo and "well"wishes for your mum.I hope life goes a little easier on you both.

                       luv Tonya xx

Hey Helen

You have put things into perspective so beautifully, well done and I am sure Jo will be very grateful for your wonderful support as you are obviously a very caring, loving and strong person who has endured her own amount of things to deal with on your journey and I am sure you can relate to Jo and Jo can relate to you which is what we are all about.

Wishing you all the very best.

LOL, Mich xoxo

I'm a Pink Sister too (recently joined) and I heard of Tondra's passing...it was very sad and my heart goes out to all those who knew her.

Our stories have many similarities - like you I lost a friend who had been diagnosed with endometrical cancer 2 wks after me.  She died in April while I was still having treatment.  I was too ill to go to her funeral which I found very hard to accept.

My hair is growing back black too!  Weird isn't it!  I was a red-head - god knows where that's gone, but I kinda like the black for a change.  I've been told it sort of looks like Twiggy's old style (if you know her - a 60's model).

Like you I had to have a port because of numerous reasons.  it was taken out shortly after I finished treatment.  And again I had exactly the same thing happen to me about the bowel thing - I had to have a colonscopy and specimens of my bowel taken, as well as a gastophy (down the throat).  I also had a scare with the same type of pain and in the same location on the opposite side to  my mastectomy....this resulted again in numerous tests and lots of worry.

Luckily all proved negative.  So I can really relate to your fear of reoccurance.

I was going to man the North Blackburn shopping centre for the Cancer Council but stupidly they hadn't sought the permission of the Centre Manager and so it was cancelled.  They did offer another location but I preferred to stay near to home as I have an ill father (also heart problems).

I am doing some other charity work however for the Cancer Ward at Box Hill Hospital as a thankyou for all their care and patience (I was their No 1 patient and a regular over a period of 9 months!) by holding a large fundraiser in November for them.  So far it's coming together nicely.

Finally I am friendly with Merylee too - I met her on the CL training and she introduced me to the blogs.  I am sad for her that she has to take this path, but i strongly believe she is doing the right thing.  She needs to do this not only for medical reasons but also to free herself from this terrible fear of reoccurance. 

Don't feel guilty that you haven't supported her as much as you think you should have.  She knows you're there for you and she understands what you're going through.  We all do.

It's ok to be angry or upset or even guilty if that's how you feel.  Just go with the flow and accept the feeling at the time, then try to move on.

Yes it's terrible what happened to Tondra, yes it's terrible what happened to my friend (and I have truly struggled not to feel guilty for surviving) and yes it's alwful what Merylee is going through.  There's no denying any of that.

But Jo, remember also you're a symbol of hope for others.  You're doing some charity work, addressing a morning tea and changing your life to become more like you (by dying your hair).  How fantastic you're get a tatt - I wish I could ...but alas i cannot.  We'd luv to see a picture of it on this site.

And well done to starting up the Encore program - that is something to look forward to as well.

Life has a strange way of playing out for each and every one of us and while some of us have long complicated journey's with much pain (both emotionally and physically) along the way, I always have felt that this happened for a reason, that I'm meant to learn something from all of this and I hope that in time, you may feel the same.

Take care and good luck with your presentation

Luv H (aka Helen Anne)

Oh Jo you poor luv, you have been doing it tough now for quite a while.  With everything that has gone on in your life you are allowed to be feeling all over the place.  I know I am and I haven't had to endure half of what you have.

I have finished chemo in July and finished radiotherapy a few weeks ago but then got bronchial pneumonia which I am now getting over that as well.  I am now back home and pretty much on my own with hubby working away.   My moods chop and change every day all day. Sometimes I luv the time on my own and sometimes I just feel so lonely and isolated.  I have an appointment for the hormone clinic in Perth coming up shortly as well.  I was on Tamoxifin but got changed to Femara.  I am a lot older than you and I  feel it is even tougher on you because you are so young.  I have lived a large part of my life already, yours is just beginning with getting married etc.  You have so much to look forward to my lovely.

I really  hope you have a lot of wonderful support around you and I know you do in Merrylee and Jo and I am sure your hubby and I am glad that you felt you could turn to your pink sisters to be there for you also and offer you as much support as possible.

You are stronger than you know sweety cause if I was you and been through what you have  I don't honestly know how I would have done it.  BUT you have done it and you are working through your feelings.  You are allowed to have these feelings as long as you are doing something about them and not just letting them fester and you are doing that so well done.  The fact you are having some good mood swings and they are not all bad is also a good sign.  You will get through this precious I am sure and you know all your pink sisters will be here rooting for you to get well and have that beautiful smile on your dial all day every day.

Sending you lots of loving hugs your way today and every day.

LOL, Mich xoxo