Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...
can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over? and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick? and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be? yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?
Beating the blues without antidepressants
Just wanted to share with others feeling down and depressed as a result of menopause or post treatment.... My GP had prescribed an antidepressant for my hot flashes and low mood. Crying a lot and constantly anxious. Anyway stubborn me didn't want to take antidepressants as I live with a husband who has bipolar and I needed to keep my mind clear even with the tears. I've been taking NeuroCalm for months. 1 tab at night to help sleep. My naturopath suggested I take 2 or 3 per day to help with anxiety. Up the dose a week ago and I feel like a new woman. No more crying over spilt milk. Actually feeling rather chilled and don't give a shit about much. 🙄 Still have hot flashes but not as bad. Hope this helps someone xx
Questions to ask 'Post Surgery' of yourself - to your Specialists - Tick Sheets - Self assessment
I know that after my own surgery, I didn't always quite know what questions to ask of my surgeon and 'the team' that we all see regularly for the first 5 years following our treatment - so I set about looking for 'tick sheets' that would help me, as these appointments approached! I came across some really interesting files. They are all 'multi paged' so I've put a 'sample page' from each document to give you an idea of what is in it. The first booklet is available at most Cancer Clinics and was put out by the Cancer Council - 'Living Well After Cancer'. It is a good one to give to friends & relatives to read as well - to give them an idea of the longterm affects of cancer even after successful treatment - as they often think that once you've had your surgery, chemo, rads & tabs - that you are now 'well'. We all know that that is NOT necessarily the case! :( It really is a lifetime sentence. This booklet covers a lot of areas that concern us all - and may be able to help answer questions in many situations that we face. (sample page) The 2nd one is: "Questions to ask 'post cancer' " - a 'tick sheet' - these questions could be spread across the whole team - your surgeon, Onc and Rad Onc as well as GP. Tick the ones that are relevant to you in the lead up to your individual appointments. (sample page) The next is "Self Care Specific Symptoms" - this sheet could also be for any of your team - with the 2nd section relating more to mental health issues that may impact you. (sample sheet) And finally - a Survivorship Care Plan - virtually a ''Self Assessment Yearly Checkup'' sheet .... which has more specific symptoms that you may be concerned about and also has pages for noting yearly checkups required re Dexa, Mammograms, Colonoscopy, MRI etc - almost a 'diary' to keep re future appointments. (sample Pages) Write down the dates you've had them, and when the next one is. Add any other exams that are not already there You can use any or all of these documents to track how you feel you are progressing - date them & further down the track, you can compare them to see how you are travelling. Take care & I hope these sheets help in tracking your health - both mental and physical. xxx
Your day in three songs.
Hi beautiful people. I am a huge music fan and have found it so very important in helping to get through the last year. I have used it as a distraction to send me somewhere else when I have had to do something not so nice or when I was scared. I've used it to help the tears flow or not to. I use it to change my moods. My day is a good one so here's my playlist for today. Your Song Elton John (for no particular reason than it was playing in my head when I woke up) Get Rhythm Johnny Cash Three little birds Bob Marley I would love to hear yours.
Despair
Hello. Have had surgery and will start radiotherapy on the 19th June and estrogen blocker for 5 years. Had Asperger's Syndrome and depression already. I'm 53 and after an horrendous life filled with cruelty I thought I would get through this easily as it is not the worst thing that has happened to me. No. I am numb, have developed a hatred for men and spend every day fighting off suicidal thoughts. I know I will get through however I am seeing myself from an out of body sort of sensation where I feel as though someone else has taken over. I feel like an entirely different person and am aware that I am developing some kind of disassociative personality disorder. Autism is exhausting and this on top of it is like being buried alive. I don't want to add to anyone's depression but I really have nothing left to give. I don't know what else to do.
TERRIFIED of Treatment
I’m not sure I can convey in writing how terrified I am I’m not sure there is a word to describe it the worry I feel is debilitating, I already suffer from anxiety and this is just exasperating it, i was diagnosed about a month ago and have had a Lumpectomy with good results margins were clear and lymph nodes were clear, my cancer is triple negative and they are still wanting me to have chemo and radiation. The plan is 12 weekly doses of chemo then about 15-20 treatments of radiation along with Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. I am supposed to go to Hospital on Tuesday for Echocardiogram, Port Insertion and my first chemo. Everday for the last two weeks I have woken up at 6am in what I think is a panic attack I have tingles all over my body and shaking and I don’t want to get out of bed I’m at a point where I don’t think I’m going to be able to get myself to the hospital on Tuesday, and on top of all this I live in Melbourne so we have COVID to deal with which means no one can come to hospital with me I have to do this alone. I am terrified of having the port put in and the thought of it being in my body for so long is terrifying to me I am also completely terrified of the chemo and all the worry it will cause me between treatments having to monitor temperature etc etc will be so stressful for me. I have tried conveying this to various people (Doctors, Family, Psycologist) and all they say is you have to do this and take one step at a time, I feel like no one is really grasping how terrified I am and no one is helping me with the mental side of this, am I the only one that feels this way please HELP me as I don’t think I can mentally survive this and am seriously considering not going on Tuesday.
Why are people so mean?
I'm trying really hard to structure my new normal. I'm putting myself first a little more, I'm saying yes to lots of things I wouldn't have done before, I'm trying to give back, and I'm doing nice things for myself because life's too short not to, right? One of these things is to buy myself fresh flowers every week. Nothing too expensive mind, no more than $12. I've denied myself this pleasure for all 19 years of my married life because you know, frivolous expense. But I drink way less alcohol and coffee now, which saves a bit of money, so I don't feel as guilty. So today I was at the chemist in my local shopping strip, filling three prescriptions (that'll be $63 thanks...) and there was a 10 - 15 minute wait. I'll go and get my flowers I decided. I went down to one of the two greengrocers because they sell flowers that aren't too pricey. I settled on a bunch of very pretty pale pink orchids. There was no price label so I asked the owner. $7. Ooh, maybe I can get two, so I said pleasantly, would you do two for $10? I can do two for $14 he says. I smiled, thought, oh well, one it is, put the other one back and joined the queue to pay. Then I notice the florist down the street was still open and decide to head down there to see what they've got. Well they had nothing decent so back up to the greengrocer to get the orchids. I arrive to see him putting the bucket they're in out the back. There's no one else in the shop. "Sorry they're gone. You can't have them" he says. Me, smiling, "They're just out the back, surely you can just get me one" "The pink ones are gone. You can't have them" Still smiling and attempting jovial, "No they're not. I just saw you take them out the back" "They're all sold. Someone has just bought them all" "No they haven't. They're out the back. Why won't you give them to me?" "You can't have them" It went on like this a bit longer until I said, getting upset, "Why? Why are you doing this?" "You can't have them" Getting really upset now, "Why are you being so mean?" "You can't have them. You'll have to go somewhere else" "Why are you being like this? Do you know why I want them?? Why are you doing this to me?" And then I started to cry. I'd had a really nice day for a change and this ARSEHOLE was being VILE. He was so obdurate and unpleasant. I felt so hurt. I said something about not understanding why he was being so horrible, and then finally he went out the back to get the flowers. And while he was gone I got really angry. Why was I letting this prick treat me like this? And I was going to reward him with my business?? Like fuck I was. So when he came back, through my hurt and furious tears, I said, "You know what? Forget about it. I've got cancer (yes I went there, slight blurring of the time line but fuck him) and I just wanted some flowers to cheer me up. I've shopped here for 18 years and I will never shop here again. You're an absolute bastard." And I ran out into the street, sobbing, and stood a little way up the road with my face in my hands. And then I stomped up the road to the IGA and bought a beautiful bunch of little pink tulips for $8.99, got my pills and went home, shaken and miserable. Any halfway decent mood I have is so fragile these days, the slightest thing can shatter it, and ever since this incident I've been so sad. Why do I even try? Why are people so mean?Trying to Stay Positive my journey
"You look so well, lost weight" comments from people l may have not seen for a little while. Thank you l say with a beaming smile, they don't know, should I tell them or not, I don't. l have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer incurable and aggressive l've been told, the little devils have been having a great road trip partying around my body setting up camp in several spots in my spine, hips skull, lungs, ribs, nodes. This diagnosis came about totally unexpected after an unrelated ct scan for my nigglying cough. Thank you to my great GP for insisting as I wasn't going to have it only had a slight annoying cough nothing to be concerned about. Radiologist saw suspicious lung rang spots rang gp, gp rang me and within a week after bone scans biopsies etc l was sitting in the oncologist office "best we can do is try to control this" silly me asked the question as I was still thinking this is nothing to be concerned about, how long if I don't have treatment? "12months" so here I am on the treatment. My life turned upside down and inside out in May 2018. I am now on letrozole and Kisquali (Ribociclib) and l am nervously awaiting my scans end of next week to see if this treatment is working. I am usually a happy positive person but seem to have fallen into a bit of a hole at the moment. I find it very hard at times with people telling me you look well, you're an inspiration, bla bla etc etc, when all l want to do is sit in the corner and cry. It's especially frustrating as l've already had bc in 2004, "it's only dcis" treat with radiation but the returned so left side mastectomy/reconstruction 2006, then recurrence right side 2012 "it's only dcis" again radiation and lumpectomy and l can get on with my life and nothing had shown up in my regular breast mammograms BUT some little party going cancer cells escaped and have been waiting and now have had a great road trip around my body. I find it really hard to talk to family and friends about how I am really feeling as I worry about how they are coping, so sharing my story here has already made be feel positive again, reading threads of what all the other wonderful ladies are going through is truly inspiring. I'm trying hard to stay positive for my next appointment with my wonderful Oncologist on 1 Nov and that she will tell me there is no progression. enough of my rambling thankyou for reading my storyIt’s harder and lonelier now that I’m in remission. What’s that about?
Hi everyone I’ve never posted here so please forgive any newbie mistakes. I wanted to start asking some fellow warriors some of the questions I find I cannot get answers to, from myself or any of my beautiful medical team. I’m just gonna dive in with this one: Am I a freak for feeling totally alone and abandoned AFTER I’ve come through my treatment and am ‘healthy’ again? It feels like I was so supported through the whole journey from devastating diagnosis to chemo to surgery to rads to hormonal therapy to physio.....and now that I’m doing much better, and I’ve had a complete clinical response (HECK yeah) and I’m achieving great things - nobody is there for me anymore. I still suffer greatly with (sadly invisible) mental illness/post trauma and with frustrating boring horrible ongoing treatment consequences. So why is it so hard to have support after the actual cancer storm has passed? Is it just me or is it incredibly lonely when you are supposedly ‘fine’ now, and superwoman, and ‘an inspiration’ and all your previous support systems fall away? It’s like none of my close friends or family have the same empathy and care they showed when I was sick, yet I feel so destroyed by everything I’ve been through still, and have no one to turn to anymore. Feels like breast cancer didn’t kill me but it killed the dynamic of all my close relationships instead. I'm feeling quite depressed by this experience. I hope someone can identify or share some wisdom. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest (no pun intended). xoNew boob abnormality
Hi all, I first want to say how grateful I am to everyone for sharing their stories here, they often help when I'm struggling. That said I'm finding things particularly hard at the moment. I was originally diagnosed oct 2019, her2+ er-, with large lump and lymph node involvement. I had ac then Taxol, 2 lumpectomys to get clearance and then radiation along with herceptin until Jan this year. I had a good response to treatment (pathological complete response). But this year I'm finding it so much harder! I was okish last year with a few little hiccups but this year I find myself so much more depressed with life and I don't get why. My son who is 7 has developed quite severe anxiety especially when it comes to me this year and it just seems to be getting worse no matter how much support we get him and how much energy I pour in to him. And now this week, I reported to my breast care nurse some tenderness I had in my boob. I had told the surgeon about it on Nov when I saw him but he just said it was radiation side effects. This week the nurse felt my breast and said it was probably just scar tissue that is pulling now I am doing more exercise but recommended an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed some abnormality in the ducts near my scar tissue so now they want to biopsy which I'm having done tomorrow. I'm trying to stay calm and think that it's all fine until I know otherwise but I'm finding it hard. I don't know how my young kids will cope if it is the worst? My son is already struggling so much. I guess I just am hoping people can tell me good news stories of when they got a biopsy post cancer and it turned out to be ok.
