Forum Discussion
Vulnerability & Shame - Speaker
One of the guest speakers at the BC lunch I went to last week was talking about vulnerability and shame. I have to admit to being a little bit over the self-help pstcho-babble and inwardly cringed when we were asked to talk to our neighbours at the table but it turned out to be a very interesting presentation. It's based on the work of Brene Brown and worth a quick perusal if nothing more. Is it a surprise when one of my "I believe" statements was that "I believe that the beach can fix anything"? (Obviously, not curing cancer but it makes me feel better about what I'm dealing with.). Anyway, I thought I should share because I play nicely that way.
22 Replies
- Exactly @primek. I feel shame for struggling now when I should be leaping gratefully into my cancer free life. Everytime people ask me how I am I feel ashamed because I want to say shithouse but instead I say OK or fine thanks. It's absolutely ridiculous I know. I am what I am, I feel what I feel, it is what it is. I get the mask concept.
- I am so sorry for the loss of your friend - but how shocking for both you & your friend, @Zoffiel having to put up with that ignorant, supercilious bitch! I hope you gave the woman an absolute bollocking!
My uncle died from Lung Cancer & never smoked a cigarette in his life! Casting aspersions at ANYONE for having ANY sort of cancer (or ANY disease for that matter) is disgusting & actually grandstands THEIR ignorance & intolerance. :(
Being virtuous has nothing to do with it, either - it was originally call "The Nun's Disease'' as they appeared to have higher numbers than any other group ladies ....... with it most probably being related to never having children/breast feeding or not.
No, we are not responsible for our own condition ..... it is bad luck or bad genes, I reckon. But at least we have the support of our buddies here at BCNA! ;) - @Zoffiel what a horrible experience for your dear friend. We are all human and fallible. I myself have smoked on and off for most of my life and did experience a “did I get what I deserved” moment and feel very embarrassed and silly when I still smoke sometimes.
- @Zoffiel,
That's very sad to hear about your friend. Around the same time I was diagnosed a work colleague's husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. The first thing she said after telling everybody about his prognosis was to add "He wasn't a smoker" Probably to avoid the "Oh, well, he brought it on himself look" He passed two months after initial diagnosis.
I doubt in this day and age whether there are many demographic groups that get sneered at and segregated as much as smokers.
Honestly, you could sit in the gutter and shoot up and people would just say that you needed help. You can sit on your arse in Maccas every day and stuff yourself till your 250kg and people will say you have a problem and need help.
You light up, out in the open air, generally on a footpath or in a gutter, which is where us leppers have to stand these days and you will get dirty looks or the fake cough cough as someone walks past, normally after taking a 3m wide berth around us filthy disgusting people who are all going to get lung cancer. I saw one lady give me that look one day as she put her baby in the pram that was directly beside her idling diesel car exhaust. LOL
The list of contributing factors as to what might cause breast cancer is long and is a similar list to most other cancers. I can see where the shame bit comes in.
Every time I read "I gave up alcohol, I don't eat sugar anymore, I don't use deodorants with aluminium, I've gone organic, etc etc etc. I feel slightly guilty. Even though a few of those myths have been totally debunked there still a tiny little thought in the back of my mind. Was it those underwire bras??????
I still smoke, drink alcohol, use parabens, eat chocolate, amongst a myriad of other things that are probably on a list somewhere of how I did this to myself, ooh and I took the pill and didn't breast feed. Poor life choices caused it? Shame on me. I vividly remember taking my dear friend Trish to her first appointment at the Austin to see an expert on the particular lung cancer she had. She was so stressed out I did most of her admission stuff and that was the first time I ever realised that shame could come into the cancer equation. The fat bitch behind the desk (sorry, but no other description is adequate) sneered, stared at my distressed mate and said "I suppose she's a smoker." I flipped my lid. How dare someone who was quite obviously making appalling health choices in their own life dismiss someone else as 'deserving what they got'. I would not normally make a derogatory comment about someone else's body, but the combination of hypocrisy and nastiness was just breathtaking.
Trish died on October 5th 2011. The way she was treated by some people both inside and outside the health services because she had a 'dirty' disease that was easily dismissed as being her own fault still burns me.
Dialog about what causes breast cancer or contributes to your risk of getting it--being overweight, a smoker, alcohol, eating meat, being on the pill or not breast feeding for example--might possibly help someone avoid the disease, though I seriously doubt that. What those discussions definitely can do is give the righteous a stick to probe the cause of our misery. Are we responsible for our own condition? Should we have been more virtuous? Abstained from the sort of behaviour that may have caused the whole mess? I think that's where the shame comes in; is the disease evidence of our inadequacy and poor decision making? Could we have done better, done more to avoid it?
Sorry for the rant, but this stuff sends me mental.
- No I don't think it was recorded but lots of Brown's stuff online and she's published a couple of books. I'm going to find out more because it definitely resonated at the time.
- I imagine the shame is the "brave face" we put on and get comments like "you are amazing and so strong" when in reality we often feel like a fraud with our daily fears, sleepless nights and absolute terror over any test....things we keep to ourselves mostly from others.
- Here are links to numerous talks by Brene Brown
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Brene+Brown+tedx - That sounds right.
- Interesting topic, @Sister - I don't suppose it was recorded for later listening?
