Forum Discussion
Un pc thoughts
So im writing this just to get it out. I dont really expect a solution. Apologise in advance if the un pc nature of this is not nice. I am getting a counsellor soon.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
108 Replies
- @MicheleR those are very reasonable questions, and ones I always ask friends and students who have all sorts of problems. That’s why I’m wondering why I don’t always get the same back. I do from a few, but not everyone I’d expect. But that’s why I try not to have expectations. They can lead to disappointments.
- Hi @MicheleR,
I pay to talk to a counsellor because there's no one else with whom I would feel comfortable airing my thoughts and feelings. Reactions from family/friends to my BC diagnosis and the subsequent 12 months since ? My son and one friend stepped up. For a while. Some disappointing lack of concern from others. Whatever. I'm too fatigued now to care. Venting at the counselling sessions is cathartic. Give it a go. And vent here any time. :) We get it. - It’s when someone tells you of someone they knew with bc and then they ‘she was dead in 6 months...’ oh, sorry, I guess I shouldn’t tell you that. NO - YOU SHOULDN’T.
- People have generally been great with me. But I do agree. Other people seem to think it is comforting, to I don't know who, to talk of other people's breast cancer stories. I found it so annoying as this was about me.
- @FLClover i think everyone finds it difficult. How are you is a reasonable question I think? Can i do anything? How do you feel about that? I said to a lady in chemo the other day when she was explaining that must feel shit.
- Yes I know @MicheleR, they are well meaning. Tbh, I might’ve been one of those previously, who knows. I was terrified of cancer, and didn’t know to deal with it. It’s not cos I thought I’d get it from them (lo and behold!) but cos I felt so bad that anyone had to have it. I now know better, but obviously cos it’s me now 😂. I can’t tell you how difficult and confronting it was to look in the mirror after my diagnosis, and especially after my surgery, and realise that I’m that ‘cancer person’ I’d been so afraid for before. It took a while to be able to look at myself and actually feel comfortable. But even though cancer is a d**kwad, it’s not like I feared it would be. The survival rate is pretty great, and a lot of the time after surgery it’s gone, and we feel and look pretty ok again. It’s more the treatment that makes us look and feel ‘sick.’ And after a lot of work on myself with the help of my brilliant psychologist, I now feel better than ever. That’s why people’s comments annoy me, especially when it’s along the lines of ‘well I know someone who is stage 4 and she’s been fine for 3 years...’ bla bla. I have to emphasis ‘I HAD it, it was stage 1, calm down.’ I know they’re trying, and I’m veeery patient, but I do feel one day I might fly off the handle. I hope I don’t 👀😁
- You need to master the quick exit/ ghosting my friend! ;)
- @FLClover i felt sorry for her, the mouth was going and she kept digging herself in deeper. She is a nice person and rather than both suffering it was easier to disengage. I told hubby and he laughed and said she obviously wasn't thinking too deeply. Maybe she got caught on the hop. At least she attempted to ask me how I was rather than avoiding it.
- @MicheleR omg 🤦🏼♀️...those ‘well-meaning’ people. I guess it’s not really their fault, but sometimes their comments really suck. I can see myself getting really b*tchy in future with comments like that. I don’t like being rude, but there’s only so much a person can take 🤷🏼♀️
- MicheleR ....... and you give yourself an award and a treat for making your son's school event your priority. The other stuff is just noise, the backdrop against which we negotiate this roller coaster ride.Your son feels loved and cherished knowing his Mum went to school for him. Doesn't get much better than that.
