Forum Discussion
Un pc thoughts
So im writing this just to get it out. I dont really expect a solution. Apologise in advance if the un pc nature of this is not nice. I am getting a counsellor soon.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
Ive been aware all along that im somehow responsible for how others feel about my cancer but lately I've felt something doesn't quite work for me and I'm struggling to find any way to express it without crossing some taboo.
I get the impression im supposed to be selfless but the way people behave is not without consequences to me. In short .. here comes the un pc part, some people are emotionally retarded.
I have barely seen my brother since my diagnosis 3 months ago. Last year when he ruptured his Achilles and had 6 weeks off work I visited him 4 or 5 times despite being busy myself. I listened ( with my medical phobias) to his descriptions of what happened when he took the boot off. I know that he cares but somewhere outside of my understanding about his discomfort im a bit hurt that he can't move through it and make some effort. I saw him yesterday at my mums bday lunch and despite barely speaking to me at the end he said its good to see you. I thought really? At what point will it register that he could have helped me in some small way?
I had coffee with a more self aware person yesterday and she confessed that she was afraid I might look unhealthy. She said my eyes were bright and I looked good. I do not look good. I had made an effort and wore make-up a nice dress. I thought I looked alright. Photos after told me im deluded.
My hubby said as I was getting ready for coffee " so you will dress up for her but not me". On the weekend he asked if I could wear my scarf differently. I said I wasn't born with the knowledge of how to tie scarfs and I was struggling with my appearance. My hubby has always praised me for not wearing a lot of make-up. Do I have to wear make-up at home now to make him feel better? This is not something that requires an answer.
My sister was having a rough day. We chatted. At the end she said but its trivial in comparison to what you are dealing with I shouldn't complain. I said of course you should. Just because im unwell doesn't mean your life is less trivial. How many people are shutting me out of their life because I have cancer and their world is too trivial now? How many people are avoiding me because I look unwell?
These are difficult things. Sometimes I want things to be the same but sometimes I want some acknowledgement. I want people to understand a bit without all the social expectations. I dont want to have to protect people all the time and be understanding.
108 Replies
- Dear MicheleR,
Do you have many friends?
I guess most of us have many acquaintances. Some people are easier to talk to than others.
I think when they ask about us, we tell them but don't dwell too much.
I've had the odd experience that because I haven't lost my hair, people forget to ask how I'm going.
Do you feel any better with your prosthesis?
I feel mine serves a purpose. I look ok out and about.
But I don't like being asymmetrical. So I wear it. At home I leave it off sometimes.
I think I will have a reconstruction, when everything has settled. My Breast surgeon doesn't want to talk about it until my anniversary of surgery.
You do have a little more on your plate than me. My children are grown.
Are your teenagers caring and helpful? Or being difficult like most teenagers.
Try not to be scared to ask them to do things for you or the household.
Are your Mum and Dad alive? And helpful?
I hope that your friends and family improve and come through for you.
I'm thinking of you. It is hard to imagine now, but you will get through this. - Hi @Michelle_R
I think you nailed it when you said people can't keep up. The ride we are on goes so fast for us it is hard to process as it happens. It all takes a long time. Some people are always with us and some just can't stay on the path. I also understand not wanting to all about 'cancer'. We are not cancer, we had it. They cut it out and then we have our treatment so it doesn't return. We have lives and so does everyone else too. When I am talking with friends I just keep asking about them or try to talk about current events. I also talk about my future plans eg holidays. I move on from updates about my health as quickly as possible. I hope things go well for you. - Ditto MicheleR we are getting on with it.
I have avoided telling extended family n friends my mets diagnosis so less medical drama is what
works best for me
Bigg huggs my dear
All the best with treatment
Bright in hope - Hi @cath62,
I dont know how to talk to anyone i know about this. I dont want to offend them and im truly grateful for any of the interactions i have with those people who are struggling. For me this is a long path and for them once the shock has worn off maybe im just someone who has not much to talk about but my treatments and its depressing. I want them to share their lives so im not just stuck in the cancer bubble.
Today I feel like people can't keep up momentum. I drove myself to chemo. I made dinner at 9.00 am ready in case I couldn't do it tonight. I am responsible for me. I accept that others aren't having this experience in the same way. Im just going to get on with it and not expect much. - Everything everyone has said is true.
This is why communication here on this site is great. We all understand and have experienced what you have with someone.
I had terrible things said to me. Some people have never contacted me again after me telling them about my cancer.
The fact is everyone reacts and not always they way we think they will or the way we would like. That is not your fault or problem. Maybe you can talk to them about how you feel. If not focus on you and what you can do. You are amazing, we all are amazing and we should be proud of ourselves. Best wishes x - I know someone at work but we are only known to each other through breast cancer. She is great and we exchange emails. I work in a mainly male dominated workplace. They have been great.
- Dear MicheleR,
I've been fortunate, as the people most important to me have been great.
For me, that's my husband and grown up children.
There are some people whom my expectations for support weren't high in the first place.
I have a Daughter-in-law and a sister that have barely communicated with me to see how I'm going.
I've seen both maybe 3 times each, since my BC diagnosis in February. (surgery, Chemo, and R/T.)
Hardly any texts or anything else either.
Best for me, not to dwell on them. You can't make people care.
I've also been 'lucky'/'unlucky' to have known at least 7 women through work who have had BC.
I do work with a large number of women.
Three of those ladies I do ask what I need to know, as they really don't seem to mind. I've joined the Club.
Only one friend has the same Type,Stage & Grade, and Surgery & treatments as me.
I am following her now as she has almost finished reconstruction.
I feel like I was desensitised/educated by following each of these lovely women, even before my own BC diagnosis. - Ha. All the bullshit about 'staying positive' makes -- in my deeply un-PC opinion -- bugger all difference to your outcomes except for the fact it makes other people more comfortable. Pollyfukinanna I am not.
Nobody knows what they don't know. Some of my friends had nearly as steep a learning curve as I did when I was first diagnosed. Bless the good ones; some made terrible gaffs and I behaved badly by savaging them for it. In the end, we all learned more about the stuff that goes on in other people's than we probably would have chosen to.
I think it comes down to the intention.
If I know someone is really struggling to find the right thing to say, I'd rather them screw it up than avoid me because they have no idea what all the new territory involves. But I will let them know I don't agree with them/it's not really like that/ I don't want to hear that again.
The recidivist arseholes are a totally different matter. Three strikes and you are most decidedly sacked. That would be difficult, inconvenient and potentially expensive if it was my partner so I'm glad that me getting over anything that individual has done to raise what is (not so jokingly) known as The Wrath of Marg has been balanced by them forgiving me for being a total jerk on occasions. - @MicheleR - "men !" That is all I will say about the majority of them. Friends ? So many are afraid that they will catch it from you !
@ddon - you go flat chested if you feel OK, stuff what others think you should do. As you say, you are far more than a set of boobs so that can still like you or go on their way.
My 'best' friend supported me during my saga - she came to the hospital and stayed 1/2 an hour - yep, that was her 'support'. She has the head in the sand and everything is "too much information". Yes, we are still friends and I do manage to laugh at her attitude. I do feel sorry for her, though.
People are all different and as @Afraser says, people blurt out things without putting their brain into gear first. I sometimes think it is a bit of fear factor for them and they just don't know how to just be your friend as they've always been. Your soul has not changed, just your body (and perhaps mindset for the moment).
Be strong. Be positive. Be proud. We are all alive to tell our story. - News to me that naturally flat chested women make others uncomfortable! Sometimes I think people just blurt out things, meaning to be supportive. All you can do is laugh!
