Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
I got into a conversation with one of the women at work yesterday and found out that we had both been hounded out of jobs we loved by the same sociopath under very similar circumstances. That happened over three years ago for her and two for me. We were both in the office crying over the damage this individual had done; furious that he is in the news again having been appointed to a senior government position where he will, undoubtedly, cause untold anguish. There really is no justice in this world.
I'm still unable to control the tears when I get angry or frustrated and she has things happening in her life as well. It was a weird bonding experience which simply would not have happened to me prior to BC V2. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not, but I can't wait for the day I can get my emotions back under control. Any time soon will be fine with me.
- @kmakm Kate, hope your week gets a lot better. Life is just a bloody rollercoaster of emotions. Ditto what the others say be kind to yourself you are such a strong person. Our lives will be different forever going through this shit I guess we all have to find the new norm and also figure out what we can change to decrease the stress in our day to day life. Virtual Hugs to you Kate xox
@sister I hear you, I hate dentists as well. Once I finish my treatment I'll be up for a visit. - @sister - I hate the dentist too - I’m always so tense and he has to tell me to keep breathing. He does a lot with kids so is very patient with me.
- Probably not poor @Blossom1961 but he is so gentle - I often choose him for the kids to see. I usually go to women dentists as I find they're not as rough but he is an exception. You'd have thought he was murdering me today, though.
- Oh dear, @Sister - I really feel for you with the dentist. My father, uncle, godfather and brother were all dentists ..... and I STILL hate going to them! I am hanging onto those seat handles SO TIGHTLY - and toes pointing to the wall ..... trying to look calm & self assured .....
My last 'fix' took 4 visits due a dodgy dentist trying to convince me I needed a root canal & payment plan - anyone else may have 'fallen for his bullshit' but I knew enough to know I had no such problem! Then a visit to his boss to explain why I would never see HIM again & he did a bandaid solution ... then the tooth shattered & so did their machine & so finally it was 'done' on the fourth visit! No discount tho! :( - @Sister no such thing as either a poor or a gentle dentist
- Thanks @arpie. I'll check back in with the psych after the school holidays.
- Kate I so hear you. I hate the emotional roller coaster. It is so not me. I am periodically having a three day 'be kind to liver diet' and have found it is getting my emotions a bit more manageable. I also started at the mindfulness sessions at the cancer centre. I am still on chemo but found I had to do something. I hope you find something that works for you. Xxx Melody
- Life's just blood hard sometimes, isn't it?
I had to apologise to my poor gentle dentist today. Got onto the chair to have my broken filling looked at, could barely breathe with the anxiety. Jumped every time he did anything. However, I have now discovered that dental chairs have arms/handles that can be brought up and held onto for dear life. - Initial reaction - just stop.
I know you have a household to keep things together but in reality they are old enough to look after themselves. Just do a big shop with stuff in fridge.
It's only me and hubby and to his horror I got someone to clean the shower -bad luck you did a bad job.
So just look after you please. Life goes on. !! J
