Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
- @"Annie C" I felt so emotional when I read that. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I do hope I get to meet you one day xx
- Ah doesn't life love to dish it out. And when it does, there are warm wonderful people on this forum who can put aside their own cares and worries and think of us and provide support.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I have received more support and encouragement from BCNA Online Forum members than from any of the 5, 30 minute telephone sessions I had post treatment with a young and overworked counsellor.
We all know what each other is going through.
To all who have supported me in the past year, my "off" days are becoming less. I now roll with them. I am becoming adjusted to the new me and I am beginning to like my new normal- just a little bit.
Through this forum site I have learnt patience, compassion and peace. And the best bit - to express the patience, compassion and peace.
And a year ago I thought I would never undertake a 700kms drive to another town "just for the hell of it". I thought those days had gone forever. On the drive from home to Port Hedland I just rolled with the car fuel filter problems and loudly muttered " start you bitch" (the car that is) and after much priming and bleeding of the fuel filter, she did!.
( see my post in "On Our Walks")
Ah it is good to know that I am "normal". Thankyou BCNA Forum members.
Take care and warm Kimberley wishes to you
Annie. - @kmakm @"Annie C" @tigerbeth thinking of you all. Take care xx
- @"Kiwi Angel" Thank you sweets. Gratefully received.
- @kmakm @"Annie C" @tigerbeth sending u all big, squishy, virtual hugs xoxo
- @Afraser Exactly. You put that perfectly. Thank you.
- @Sister Kids back to school today. I've got a lot to do but will try to snatch a couple of moments for myself.
I think things will be 'normal' again one day but the normal is the new one and I'm flailing about within that trying to get my bearings. - @tigerbeth
Will be thinking of you tomorrow when you celebrate your father's life.
Remember the good times and all that he achieved (especially his orchid collection).
Take care and thankyou for your thoughts.
Annie. - Dear @kmacm
I think you are right. You have no hesitation about seeking (and seeking again) help for the body so don't delay about the mind. It's not weakness or lack of capacity, from my own experience it's more about a lack of any reference point with this particular sort of uncertainty and fear that your normal coping mechanisms are down the gurgler. Your 'normal' has been anything but, so getting back to normal is a particular challenge. Sometimes we need something other, not us, not our friends, not our family, to refocus and get clear about life again. I have no doubt that you will do so, you just have to shed any latent notions about pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps!! You'd help someone else in a flash, so now time for you. Best wishes. - @kmakm I had hoped that today with some time for yourself would have been relaxing . I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten overwhelming. I often wonder if anything will ever be normal again. Thinking of you.
And if you, @tigerbeth - I hope your dad's funeral is as joyous as it can be if that makes sense.
