Forum Discussion

kezmusc's avatar
kezmusc
Member
7 years ago

INVISIBLE WOUNDS and The Power of Words.

I have a sad but true story about somebody who thought his feelings weren't valid or acceptable.

At 3am one morning a man turned up at his home in a taxi.  His wife didn’t expect him, surely somebody would have told her he was coming. He was snuck in under the cover of darkness, without announcement, so he wouldn’t have to deal with the fall out that would be waiting at the airport during daylight hours.

He was told not to speak to anybody about what he had seen or been involved in as nobody wanted to hear it, some people thought he shouldn’t have been there anyway.

There was no debriefing, no counselling and nobody to talk to.  Anybody who hadn’t been there wouldn’t have understood any way and the only ones who could comprehend were under instructions to be quiet and keep a low profile.  He wasn't to make other families scared or angry if they still had relatives over there. Nor was he to lower morale of anybody about to go.

 He was told to have the rest of the week off, get back to work and on with his life. Toughen up.  It could be worse, he could have died there right?  At least he was alive.

He was never the same.  How could he be.  There were no forums to be able to express the ongoing fear, the anger, the depression, the nightmares, the daily pain. No validation that his thoughts were normal given the situation.  No empathy for the constant anxiety.

No friends to say, hey mate, I know how your feeling. I get it, I’m here for you no matter what you want to tell me.

Those things could not be let out until somebody decided it was acceptable.  By that time, it was too late.  The years of keeping all that locked up, feeling like nobody wanted to hear what he had to say, that he was weak for not being able to get back to normal and just put up with the fallout had turned into a bottomless dark pit with seemingly no way out.

The story finishes at the end of a lonely dirt road with a car, carbon monoxide and a devastated family. 

There have been many discussions about likening a cancer diagnosis and all its fallout to PTSD.  

There have been a number of discussions closed (and rightly so when it becomes a slanging match) when things go totally off tangent. 

 Moderation by the moderators is at their discretion and this is their gig. However, what is not helpful is being moderated  (even unintentionally) amongst our own community. 

People are encouraged to see councilors and talk it out. Sometimes all that is needed is a good chat on here. Everybody’s safe place right?  


We all need to stand and support each other together or some of us will fall.   


anxiety
coping
emotions
side-effects
  • arpie's avatar
    arpie
    Member
    7 years ago
    @kezmusc  - OMG ... how terribly sad.     Stay strong.

    Know that you are cared for and valued by all of us here on BCNA  xxx
  • Vallerina's avatar
    Vallerina
    Member
    7 years ago
    @kezmusc. Thank you. What a lovely non judgemental  way to say what others are thinking. Sorry you had to suffer in order to have this anecdote to relate. xx
  • kmakm's avatar
    kmakm
    Member
    7 years ago
    I took it to mean both ways. But either way it works, and is true. I think your post was beautiful and heartfelt and I agree.

    Thank you for your kind words, always. K xox
  • Kiwi_Angel's avatar
    Kiwi_Angel
    Member
    7 years ago

    @kezmusc - absolutely fab post - definitely touches a cord @Romla I, like you tend to scroll past posts that aren't relevant to me or I don't agree with.  @kmakm you have always entertained my with your posts - you have a great sense of humour and you have always been very supportive to me when going through a tough patch.


    We all have to remember that we are all at different stages in our path and we are all such a different group of people on here.  We all have different fears and I would hope no woman would every stop wanting to post because of how she feels it will be received.


    xoxoxxo

  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    7 years ago

    it's interesting, isn't it? How to say "I don't like that" or "I disagree with this" without causing offence. How to express your own vulnerability or strength without feeling either demeaned or boastful.

    I think one thing we need to recognize is that online environments--with their immediacy, anonymity and wide reach--are a very new form of communication. At no time during the history of mankind has it been possible to become so involved with, and connected to, people we don't know. Anyone who has ever tried online dating can tell you that people are not always who, or what, they seem to be and that the best way to sort that out is to meet them personally before you become too invested in what they have to say. That is not always possible.

    I do think that an environment where like can meet like is probably helpful.  Probably. Knowing you are not alone can be a double edged sword.

     I'm sorry to hear of your fathers story. It is a great shame on our society that those circumstances arose. So much hurt and harm, I'm not sure that things are getting any better. Mxxx

  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    7 years ago
    Absolutely to all. @kezmusc I didn't respond immediately to your story because it was too hard to.  Knowing now it was your father, my heart goes out to you. I believe that PTSD from the BC diagnosis is a real thing and I've been grateful for having a place to rant and rave as well as ask.
  • kezmusc's avatar
    kezmusc
    Member
    7 years ago
    Hey @Kmakm. The  "be mindful of how you write"  I believe (that's how I mean it anyway) is referring to making people feel their comments are not valid or they are being dismissed.  Absolutely nothing to do with the ones who were actually voicing their concerns and hurdles. 

    You have a way with words and have been open, honest and genuine and have helped and inspired so many people. I'll happily listen to you complain about stinking hormone therapy.  It's total shite.

    @Romla it was your post about thought for the day that gave me the nerve to put this one up.  I had been contemplating it but what if no one agreed, what if I offended someone what if what if.............

    What I don't want to see happen is people stop posting for fear they have nothing of worth to say, they are posting too much or they may scare somebody.  

    It took me months of lurking to post on here.   I was nearly finished my treatment and my first post was dreading hormone therapy.
    I was scared I would have nothing of value to offer anyone, that no one would comment or "like" what I had to say. 

    The above story is about my father and be F****D if I'm going down that path.  I seem to have inherited his keep it all inside thing. My god, my mother didn't even know there was problems with my first marriage when I told her I was getting divorced the poor thing.  I have really had to learn that it is ok to let it out which has been rather difficult actually.  


    xoxo



  • kmakm's avatar
    kmakm
    Member
    7 years ago
    We are all grateful for the sheer luck (or good judgement for those who chose to immigrate!) that finds us living in a country where mostly excellent quality healthcare is readily available.

    But sometimes it is difficult to be positive about treatments that hopefully improve your longevity, but decrease the quality of your day to day life. I have mentioned several times the reason to keep taking my AI, and that I am determined not to stop. I always appreciate the voices that say 'I have no problems taking it'. However the reality is people who have issues on any treatment are more likely to post, seeking advice, encouragement and possible solutions. For example, I would not have known to try magnesium to help with my ankle pain and restless legs if I had not posted about them here. It was not suggested by my oncologist. I am trying it now and it appears to be helping.

    I agree with all those who've said that we should always be mindful about how we write here, but sometimes we need to howl our pain into a place where we can be understood by people who have 'been there'. It is one of the most invaluable aspects of this forum. I struggle with the pressure to be the good patient, to keep positive. I find it insensitive and unrealistic. Having cancer is hard. I am a realist. Sometimes I feel reasonably cheerful, sometimes not. I can't fake my emotions, I have to be true to myself. I need to be authentic. I also feel strongly that the hush hush approach to the old taboos of depression, menstruation and menopause need to smashed. More than half the world's population is female. We bleed... and then we don't! I've always spoken openly about periods and I'm going to be the same about menopause and depression & anxiety.

    I try to leaven my posts with humour. I've been helped so much by those who've gone before and I hope my problems will resolve and in doing so I gain knowledge and experience I can pass on to others.

    Sometimes if I am feeling vulnerable I don't come in here as much. Other times when I'm feeling down, here is where I want to be! I agree with @Romla, the option to scroll past is a good one. We all have to use our self-knowledge to make good choices. In all things in life eh?! 

    "We all need to stand and support each other together or some of us will fall"

    Kate xox 
  • Romla's avatar
    Romla
    Member
    7 years ago
    We are all in the same boat basically . Scroll  past a post that doesn’t resonate if you wish but if you do contribute remember others maybe in a more fragile place  and that one day it may well be you.