Dear@Sam09,
I have just read your post and at first I was not going to reply, simply, because I am where you are and have been for several months now,I dont have any magic wand to wave if I did I would have litterally clobbered myself with it however, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND ITS OKAY!!!
I am so very sorry that your husband and daughter feel that they needed some time away, and yet at least they are able to tell you why, and yes it doesnt make it any better,however you now have some time to REGROUP.
I am 4 and a half years diagnosed with mets to my liver and bones and yes just recently I woke up and said to myself, thats it I am over this and I WANT IT to go away, four and a half years was by my definition a long ENOUGH Pergotory(HELLL!)
and I decended into well I am not quite sure what depression I suppose, a feeling of whats the point, everyone had been telling me for so long how strong I was how brave I was and I did not feel like that woman anymore, so I have withdrawn and kept to myself, I dint want to talk to anyone or see any one, I havent posted here on the website, but did log on just to see how everyone was going, the christmas season is a bad enough, stressful enough time as it is without the added feelings that you are going through, like you I found the well wishes and phone calls slowly petered out and then it just becomes a day in day out put one foot in front of the other kind of living,medication, scans, blood tests, wondering if and when it, the cancer may or may not progress, trying to live while really at times only feeling half alive.
I knew what was happening to me I just had no control over it, however after recognising the symptoms as well as my McGrath nurse who had been in contact every couple of days, I rang my pyschologist and had a hour long chat with her, I have organised a phone call with the BCNA pyschologist, Dr.Carrie Lethborg, you can have a telephone consult with her in your own home just ring the 1800 number and organise with the girls, its a service provided by BCNA and Dr Carrie is truly a wonderful woman who gets it!! she only speaks with cancer patients,I made an appointment with my GP and now my anti depressants have been increased just slightly,if you havent already go to the metastic site here on bcna and there are a series of videos , 4 women myself included were interviewed about what its like living with metastatic breast cancer.
This disease was NOT a part of my retirement plans I can tell you, however after much soul searching I have finally come to the conclusion that there is NOTHIng I can change about it, I live and eat as healthily as possible I exercise when I am able, I enjoy my family, however I also enjoy a lot of alone time, I participate in support groups when I feel like it.
In your situation, perhaps when your husband comes home could you sit down and tell him all of what you are feeling, I might add that Dr.Carrie also talks with husbands and partners about the impact of metastatic breast cancer on them,we are not the only ones going through this, it has a profound impact on our families who really dont know how to deal with it, Its about being as empowered as possible having all the information you can, utilising the support out there in the broader community, THIS will not go away, we are stuck with it, and have to deal with it as best we can, you are not alone,YOU can deal with this, one hour at a time, one day at a time,have you considered an OTIS RETREAT holiday maybe not just now but in a few months time when the kids have gone back to school and its a bit cooler, just look online, they have beautiful retreats for up to 6 or 7 nights no charge, just take your own food, you and hubby might benefit from some time out.
In the mean time, as I said its okay, we all feel like this at some time or another, enjoy your time with your beautiful dog, confide in him, give him a big hug and have a good cleansing cry, have a day in bed, do what the bloody hell you want,eat chocolate,it will get better, believe me,I know!!
love and hugs, wish I could sit down and have a cuppa with you,
wendy55
ps, writing this has helped me as well x
