Wow today I feel so terribly sad and sorry for myself shame on me.

@Sam09 , please speak to a counsellor as soon as you can.  This thing is just crap and you can't expect to deal with it and be positive all of the time.  Sleeplessness and anxiety is going to come out whether you try to hide it or not.  Your husband might be right to say he needs some time but it sounds as if he needs help, too.  Often men aren't very good at getting help until they're breaking. My thoughts are with you.