Forum Discussion
I can't connect with my diagnosis..
Hi there, This is my first post for 5 years. A month ago, I was diagnosed with metastatic bc in my spine and rib, 5 years almost to the day of my initial diagnosis. I am perfectly well, and it was picked up after a routine oncology check showed elevated markers in my blood. The week that my oncologist phoned me, I was completely snowed under with work and family commitments. My aunt had died whilst I was sitting with her, the day previously, and I was responsible for organising her funeral arrangements. I had a thesis proposal due in, and a critical work project about to begin. My husband was interstate, and I was playing catch up at home, having just arrived back from a European trip. It was chaotic.
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
47 Replies
- @Ellamary98
We are a matter of fact family, never go into dramatics etc. but I engaged with the school straightaway & let them know what was going on. The counsellors gave the kids strategies to help navigate their fears etc. The primary school counsellor and I made a decision to engage the high school counsellor and they have been fantastic.
My daughter has utilised the service twice, once when I booked her in and the second time on her own. It gives them an outlet.
I have used the psychologist at the cancer clinic a few times, she helped especially when I told my colleagues at work. It’s a good way to rationalise it all.
Anne xo - Thank you, @Anne94. I am beginning to feel more settled within myself about the diagnosis- not so much denial, as acceptance and a determination to carry on as normally as possible. So far, only my very nearest and dearest are aware. This week, I did practice telling a work colleague who I am close to, and I thought I had presented it in a very unalarming way, but she became very upset so I have decided to keep it close for the time being. It can be tricky feeling responsible for everyone else's emotional well being, can't it? I've lost sleep, too. I'm glad to hear that your children are making use of some counselling. Do they see a group counsellor, or have individual support? So far my children are unalarmed, but this is due to the way I delivered it to them- at some point they will become fearful, and we will need to arrange some counselling.
Thanks for your message, and good luck with your treatment. :) - @Ellamary98 I was diagnosed nearly 2 years ago with stage 4 denovo. It took about 3 months to get my head around it. It felt like something out of a crazy nightmare.
I only told a few of my close friends at the beginning, it was hard, everybody was upset. And there was nothing I could do to make them feel better or them me either.
I had to tell my work colleagues, because I had to reduce my risk of hurting myself. That was a terrible day. Didn’t sleep for about 3 days.
My kids were told, they took it hard, but they’re doing well & engaging in counselling sessions when they need it.
But I don’t live like I’ve got mets, I try to do everything the same as before. Some days it’s easy to forget, other days (like drs appointments, ct scans, bone scans & operations) these appointments remind me of the diagnosis.
best wishes
Anne - @Ellamary98 I was the same as @Eastmum. I told some people and they didn’t know what to say - so I made sure to tell them “f**k cancer, that’s not gonna beat me”. I told them I didn’t want any pity - I just wanted them to be there to support me and make me laugh. Big hugs xoxoxo
- @Ellamary98 It's been a completely unexpected by product of breast cancer for me as well. I have never felt so loved in my life. Deeply affecting.
- Thanks @Ellamary98 - I've had to learn to be a lot kinder to people who are just trying to help - LOL - it still throws me when I get a text on the day of chemo to wish me well and I think - whoa, that friend is keeping track of when I have Chemo! On the one hand, it's so nice and I really do appreciate it but there's that little part of me that just wants to do it all quietly in my own way with no fuss. I've definitely put a few people's noses out of joint by not being needy - then again I've been touched by the soup arriving on my doorstep, the lovely gifts of scarves, books and flowers and the cards.
Ultimately I know that everyone means well and comes from a good place, with good intentions.
Good luck with your scan next month - you've definitely got the right attitude, which will influence everyone around you. - @Eastmum , I hear you! I like to keep personal things close to my chest, which makes me uncomfortable announcing health issues. It was such a relief to be over the drama of bc first time around. Everyone was so wonderfully supportive, but I hated having people in my home all the time, and I felt like a goodwill project. In addition, my husband (who is super-private) felt like he had lost me to everyone else ( I have a large family), and subsequently felt a bit hopeless. Also, we were trying to protect our children, and some people arrived at the door with meals or cakes, openly crying! This is why I dread telling friends and family, but you are right- I just need to lay down the rules and take the drama out of it. It is true that people will generally follow your lead, and I have already told our kids to ignore everybody else and just listen to us. Having said all that, that year was a time in my life when I felt most loved- it was just overwhelming.
I have decided to wait anyway, until I have another scan next month and there is a firmer treatment plan. Like you, I like to research it all first and feel a bit more in control. I've decided that I will blow everyone's preconceptions of metastatic breast cancer out of the water!
Good luck with your treatment. I hope that it is going well for you and that your recovery is smooth as possible. Soak up all the love and attention that comes your way- you need it to get you through! xx <3 - Saying "happy to have you here" is kind of wrong! But you know what we mean. This site has been a sanity saver for me on multiple occasions. There's always someone about, day or night. And helping people who come on behind you is very rewarding. K xox :)
- Jump on board anytime @Ellamary98 - this forum is so amazing - there's always someone around 24/7 to offer support or just to listen to a good 'ol rant. It's been a life saver for me. And fuck cancer? - Absolutely!
- Thanks so much. I received my 'Hope and Hurdles' kit today in the mail, so I suppose I will do some reading tonight, and maybe check in with my breast care nurse from last time. This conversation has certainly helped me to take the diagnosis on board. I am very pragmatic, so I guess this is just my natural response. Life has dealt me some curlies over the last few years (as well as some magic), so it does feel like the next hurdle in my life. There is also a part of me saying "Fuck that, I'm not having it." If only it were that simple! You are all amazingly supportive- I can see that I will be hanging around this site a lot! <3
