A comment that cut right through my soul.........

To all my sisters that read this that share my life without even knowing me I reach out to you for perhaps some guidence and comfort. I have been in such a good place feeling well and happy well in saying that as happy as one can feel with metastic breast cancer I suppose....
Two days ago I returned from walking my beloved puppy dog something I adore doing spending time with him makes me happy. Upon returning home I asked a question to my husband a little request to turn on the hose to give our dog a drink after his walk.... his response was to snap at me angrily to wait... as he obviously thought washing his car he was to busy to stop for one moment for me...... I am not sure if I reserve the right to feel the way I do however in my current position I almost think it manditory when one is happy and asking a simple question that all family would respond in a happy cheerful manner however this was not the case... I was so upset and one thing led to another in which I fully explained this to my husband and yes in tears and emotional . One comment out of anger that he spat at me in his response at what he believed was me over reacting was " Hurry up and die already" and to this moment he appears to have never thought about that comment again...... Oh but I have in fact I have had it in my head every minute every second since he has said it. All night long when I have awoke I have had it repeat over and over in my head.

I have had this disease for 14 long months and found it turned metastic 6 months ago. In the beginning I had messages of support from friends and family that meant the world to me however as the months dragged on they wittled away. I guess people have busy lives and forget other peoples problems. This is the case with even my family. One daughter lives overseas and with each email comes gushing excitement of her travels which I love to hear but no more How are you Mum? anymore. Today right now I feel so alone hurt and broken.
No one but my fellow sisters on this site which bound us by situation understands how I feel inside how hard it is to go on pretending life is normal and we know it isnt.

I know I find it hard when people snap at me over silly things to comprehend this. Things small things that are fixable easily when I am not..... things that are a minor simple inconvenience and it now dawns on me that the only person who lives in this nightmare is me ..... all alone and when I am gone life will go on and the silly things that bother them that are gone in a second will still annoy them. A few times my daughter who lives at home has said to me Mum does cancer give you the right to judge what makes other people cranky. Well other people Hell no!

But I did think perhaps my family that I cook clean and care for lovingly and relentlessly could always try to be nice to me not sometimes all the time.. and if sometimes I am not so happy then to perhaps understand why .. not jump down my neck.. It is a simple small ask that I can be surrounded by happy family members and be treated well WHY because it makes me feel happy and loved and right now I feel so alone in my nightmare that no one here understands
.....
All by myself........... and the tears flow.

viking1
Member
8 years ago
Hi Sam,
I'm sorry you had to be on the end of that comment. It sounds like you are a very loving and giving person. The trouble with that is you possibly expect others to be the same and as I've found out, people react very differently to cancer patients, especially family. Down the line your husband is probably either not going to remember what he said, or beat himself up about it! You'd just had a lovely time out and were happy, and those comments were a slap in the face. The counselling sounds a good plan, even if your husband or family didn't want to go, you will be better armoured as you sound a gentle sensitive soul. We probably all have at least one comment that sticks in our throat from family or friends. My sister's reaction to my diagnosis was 'well the chemo and radiation will kill you anyway'. Not what I wanted to hear. Later I got a sobbing apology. She has her issues and is not up to dealing with mine. I would have expected more as I would do anything for her, but that's not the way it is. I feel sad about it because I think ultimately she will beat herself up for distancing herself. But maybe not. I am learning that I can't control negative behaviour towards me, but I can control how I react. It still sucks that people aren't just kinder to each other. Well, they are here, so here is a good place to be. You are awesome, remember that. xxx
Sam09
Member
8 years ago
Thank you once again my friends for your advice and well wishes I really appreciate it. And fairy dust a big thank you I certainly think it looks lovely the workshop for five days and I think I will do it. I hope you consider the next one available perhaps I would be lucky enough to meet you there :) perhaps it may be a little cold there though in august. But just what the doctor ordered for me ......a little time away with no one else to think of ahhhh such bliss.
fairydust
Member
8 years ago
Hi Sam just an idea. I am not using this site for advertising just informing you and others. There are residential courses run by Petrea King in Bunadoon. The courses are called Quest for life and Healing your life.
The courses are residential. They have sessions dealing with anxiety depression ,cancer and general problems in life.
I am planning to go. What I liked the most was they provide lovely organic food but also serve tea and coffee .They also like using butter and sugar. So food is not too extreme.
The thought of spending 5 days alone and being served 3meals a day wow.
I am married but I enjoy timeout from my family. At times I love being alone and have had several solo holidays. It is expensive but I think well worth it.
Cosette
Member
8 years ago

wendy55 said:

We are always here for you to chat to, we UNDERSTAND, we GET IT, please be gentle on yourself and if you have a chance please ring the BCNA 1800 number to arrange a time to talk with someone...

BCNA provides free, confidential, professional one-on-one counselling support to women and men with metastatic breast cancer, and their families. If you need someone to talk to, @Sam09, know that this is here for you. To find out more and book, please visit https://www.bcna.org.au/metastatic-breast-cancer/metastatic-breast-cancer-telephone-counselling/
TonyaM
Member
8 years ago
Hi Sam,
You are not alone here- my heart goes out to you. What a cruel comment your husband made- no excuse.I hope he apologised and if he didn't,then that is even more cruel.Could you join a local support group where you'll get hugs and understanding- I run one in the Hills area in Sydney if you live there. Sending hugs,Tonya xx
Cook65
Member
8 years ago
Your husband will be feeling angry and scared and the lashing out is just a that coming out. It's not fair and totally unacceptable but it is what slips out sometimes. He is probably hoping you didn't take any notice of the comment and by pretending it didn't happen, he can move on. The emotions that go along with this is so very confronting for all. If you can talk to him about it in a moment of calm, do so otherwise perhaps see a counsellor to help you deal with their emotions.
Cook65
Member
8 years ago
Be sorry, it stopped working! He didn't want to stress me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your family don't want to go through this either. They are sick of living it and hearing it and seeing it all day every day but how can they verbalise that.
Cook65
Member
8 years ago
Oh Sam! I'm so sorry to hear of how you are feeling and the insensitive comments. I can't offer advice but my family were very unsupportive during my 16 months of treatment, particularly my husband. We almost split up over it. Then one day it all came to a head. We found ourselves crying in a corner at the local shopping precinct starting to talk for the first time in just over two years. Since then we have talked a lot more and I have realised just how traumatised my family were and that my husband in particular, was floundering. He didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. He was too scared to share his emotions with me because I had cancer and how could anything he had to say or complain about or vent about possibly compare to that. He tried to save me from extra stres
fairydust
Member
8 years ago
You feel alone but you probably are not. Sometimes I feel so empty and forget there are people around me.
I would like to pass on something I was taught. Whenever you feel upset hurt cross or angered by someone this is the response. You see an image of the person and you wish them well.
You are not being hypocritcal you genuinely wish them the best in life. Say good health happy times etc.
So every time you remember your husbands words stop and send a genuine message of good feeling towards him.
I was taught this technique when I was having a particular difficult time by an extremely unpopular supervisor.
We had a visiting manager that for some reason we became friends and this was a technique she told me she used when dealing with co workers that were difficult.
It actually works .
Payne
Member
8 years ago
Hi there Sam, I don't have any further advice to add to what the other ladies have offered. I just wanted to let you know I can fully understand your feelings and am very sorry you feel
so alone. Keep posting on this site. Sending you a big hug.
Sue P