Dont follow me Im lost too

I had further health issues after my active treatment, and was starting to get back on track then covid came along.  I also lost friends throughout treatment and then wanted to reconnect with me after my active treatment, it was too late.
I had to let go of those that wouldn't get with the program!  Truth though they had let me go first, it felt as if I was dead to them, and that can be a difficult thing to get over and ever re-establish that friendship again.  

So where to now?  Now I am trying to just take a day at a time, and I still have my dreams for the future.  Family is important to me and I try as best I can to leave the past people in the past.  I still find it difficult at times to reconcile in my mind how some I thought were firm friends just sort of vanished!  It does hurt, that is for sure @MicheleR so do what is best for you.
Take care. xx

Hi there
this is off on a tangent but…
To those above who have turned/ will be turning 40 and 50 , I escaped out of the country for those milestone birthdays as well as my 60th ( am now 63).
Enjoy those “younger “ years as much as you can ! ( although you know they say “ 60 is the new 50”, “70 is the new 60” etc.)
I used to think when people said to me “ you look well” after my diagnosis they meant “ oh you are not dead yet” 
, but now I just say “ thanks, I feel well” and if I am feeling very naughty I say “ I have a great plastic surgeon”
( who did my breast reconstruction!)

@BlackWidow I think a lot of people don’t really want to be happy. Not because they don’t really want to, but because they’re terrified. If you’re happy and the reason is taken away, you fall from higher and therefore much harder. I was one of those people. It is a mindset, and very difficult to shift. 

Whatever you’re comfortable with darl, it’s about you. You need to do what you feel happy doing 👌🏻. 

@FLClover,

I just told my husband that i dont feel like doing parties and things. He said if i dont want to dont. Im grateful to be 50 but right this second i dont feel like the fuss. Maybe by the time it comes around ill think differently. 

@BlackWidow,

Sorry for your loss and your own health. Its a lot to deal with isnt it?  What do you like doing? I try to find things that I like doing and find pleasure in that. Keeping my hands busy helps. Im doing an aquaerobics class outside my normal exercise regime and when the aqua finishes I might go to a crochet group once a week for a cup of tea with others. 

I don’t think it’s wrong to have expectations, especially since people like us respect our friendships and like to give our all. The reality, though, is that people are lost, confused, scared and/or selfish. This is what I’ve discovered. Except that as I said, I discovered it prior diagnosis so didn’t tell most people during treatment. I still haven’t told people I haven’t seen. I learnt to rely totally on myself during the hardest time of my life. But let me tell you, it was so worth it!! With no expectations come no disappointments, as @Zoffiel said. If someone is nice to you, that’s a massive bonus, but there’s no disappointment if they aren’t. And there’s no pressure for you to also be running to their aid all the time, which is massive relief too. No more burning the candle on both ends. 

@MicheleR you are not alone in how you feel at the minute.  The whole BC thing is so much more than chop and replace or whatever, it really affects us emotionally.  We go on with our 'normal' life and do all we have for others but with a dead feeling, "is the world coming to and end" sort of feeling.  It is sometimes hard to get going again when some of those we thought were friends have deserted us.  I think they do not know what to do or say, but with the underlying feeling that they are scared yet grateful it is you and not them.  I am alone in the world as my husband passed away before my diagnosis, I have no family and my long-term friends are far away.  I have met a new friend in my town who has also had BC but I don't like to impose too much as she has so much on her plate.  She tries to get me out of my funk but sometimes I resist as I think I just don't want to be happy !  It is a mindset really.  I have made an appointment with a counsellor and hope that will help me to become more like I was before this BC beast.  There are lots of ladies on this site who care and will be there to support you.  Maybe if you put your suburb next the SA you will meet some ladies to catch up with in person - nothing like a good old laugh.  I am thinking of you as you work through this funk.  Anne

So.. I just have some sunshine friends. People who I havent seen for 2 years but have known for 30 who have suddenly wanted to catch up for my 50th. 

Im choosing just to celebrate with close family. Actually, i feel that I just want to provide a social occassion for our parents. The fact that its my bday is just a convenience. 

Logically, yes its disappointing the way some people behave but Im just mentally shifting them to that group of sunshine friends. 

I dont need to hold onto it. 

Life has ups and down and pressing on. 

It's possible that I am overly cynical, but I think we may have been sold a crock of shit when it comes to what we can\should expect from others.
The older I get the more I realise that the advertising world's version of what is normal, is anything but. It's all an illusion. That shiny happy world only exists in someone else's imagination.

Previous conversations with 'That Poor Woman's (my absent shrink) about expectations were helpful. Just don't have any. It's easier. If folk step up and help, that's nice.if they don't, nothing changes for you.  As noted by others, it's not the people you think you can rely on who actually assist.

Oddly, realising how fallible pretty much the whole population is can let some stress of my brain. People are people, we can't expect anything from them. I'd rather trust my dog who is one of the most clueless creatures on the planet.

Anyway. On we plod.