What scares me senseless about going to chemo is sitting in a room with a bunch of other people all hooked up to horrible drugs. I just cannot find it in me to find comfort in numbers in that situation. I don't want to be in a room with a group of elderly dying people. I don't want my mother to be there because she will tell me to get over myself. I need someone who knows what I'm going through and has a bit of sympathy without making out as if I'm going to die. (I'm not btw) I'm still in tears this morning. That stupid receptionist. It isn't the doctors so much, my surgeon is pleasant and will answer questions, my very understanding GP is just wonderful, it is the administration staff who haven't got the first clue how to relate to people who are very ill. I mean, we don't have the flu, we have cancer, a life threatening illness. This is my second cancer. I had colon cancer when I was 22. I didn't undergo any chemo or radiation for that. I have told one radiologist off. I was sitting in the main waiting room with my mother having a conversation and he came and called me, took me down a hall and said sit in this waiting room I'll be with you in a minute. Turned into 15 and I took myself back to the main waiting room. 10 minutes later he came out and asked why I was there. Did I let him have it (specially after the hospital fiasco and this was only days later).
Seriously, I am not worried about hair or about not having two breasts. I've never been vain enough to worry about what I look like one bit. I'm not overly concerned with chemo drugs either. What I AM worried about is not finishing my degree that I've busted my arse to complete while working full time at the same time. I'd been invited by the university to do honours next year. That is the biggest compliment I've ever had and I'm very serious about that. Now it seems to be going south bit by bit by bit. I don't know if I can do rounds and rounds of chemo and still have my wits about me to go to uni and study and attain first class honours (80%) Stupid medical people do not understand that the disease and the drugs are so far down my list of importance as to be ridiculous. Sensitivity to me, my life, my capabilities is far, far more important than getting the cancer out and stuffing me full of drugs in the hope that it won't come back.
Thanks for sympathising with me Christine. Thank god there are women like you out there. I don't want to go to Cancer Forums really, sorry they aren't my thing unless I'm there in a journalistic capacity. I am studying journalism. I will have a lot to say in the future about breast cancer and treatment of women undergoing surgery and post operative treatment. I can't now of course because I would be seen to be being biased and irrational. I am however storing it all in my vast memory for future reference.
