It's scary stuff...

You keep going  girl, it really sounds as though your getting on top of the monster.  Cheers Joxx

Hello Tonya, thanks for your post. Yes I think my decision to delay the scans til just after x-mas was a good one, not only for me but for my family too. You are right in saying that we lose confidence in our bodies. I have lost total confidence in mine. It took me 2 years or so to start feeling confident again after my EBC diagnosis, only to have the cancer return elsewhere and knock my confidence again for six! I've also had aches and pains that I had investigated...sore back, headaches...luckily no cancer there. If your hip pain continues Tonya, get it checked out. It's probably just muscle soreness, but worth getting checked out if it doesnt budge.

I think living for the moment is something that you learn as a result of all this. I am still learning how to do that consistently. Some times I have no problems at all living in the moment...I was outside in my backgarden last week with my daughter and my bald head doing 'spinning helicopters' in the rain! lol! Other times I am more reflective and stop to take a deep breath at what has happened to me in the last few years.

Yes, a break from cancer sounds nice...what a lovely x-mas present to me!

Take care Tonya,

Celeste?

Hello Jane, yes the worrying is pointless I know, but it's natural I guess. I dont dwell on the 'what ifs' which is good, but they are crossing my mind as this first lot of scans get closer. I like your words "give myself permission to stop worrying"...I think I am too hard on myself at times. I must admit, I do like to be in control of things, and cancer is something that is obviously unpredictable and uncontrolable. I struggled a lot with that fact earlier on. You are right about enjoying the present. That is the best mind-set to take I think! I also believe that this is indeed a roller-coaster ride full of mixed emotions, and learning to ride the roller-coaster is a skill to be learned in itself!

Take care,

Celeste?

Hi Leonie, thanks for your post. I am on leave from my part-time job at the moment, and will have to make the decision whether to go back or not next year. I don't like my job at all, and have been unhappy in it for quite some time, so I would rather not go back. You are right, some days are such a struggle to get moving. I know some people do go to work while they are having chemo/treatment, but how they manage it is beyond me!

Yes you're right, there's nothing anyone can say to make this situation go away, but the messages of support and reassurance that I'm 'normal' in feeling anxious about treatment outcomes is a comfort.

Hang on to that husband of yours...you are incredibly lucky to have someone close to walk this journey with you!?

Hope you have a wonderful X-mas Leonie,

take care

Celeste?

Hi Alison, yes the thinking about our own mortality is really scary, especially when you have a child/children that will be left behind with no other parent to care for them. I'm not preoccupied by these thoughts, however they do cross my mind from time to time. I hope my scans will be ok, and I can give this cancer the thrashing it deserves!

You say you "only" have early breast cancer....I had it back in 2008 and EBC is horrendous! It is bloody frightening! I remember the tears, the sadness, the anger and the fear...it was awful. I'm not sure how to compare an EBC diagnosis and an ABC diagnosis. For me, both were devastating and life changing. I hope you are coping ok.

Take care Alison and hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable X-mas,

Celeste?

I can fully understand how scared you must get at times.I was scared when my cancer came back and that was in the same breast.I would have been beside myself if the body scans had picked it up elsewhere.Lately my hip has been aching and I'm putting it down to all the  physical work I've been doing in this new house.But can't help thinking down the cancer road.Yes,you are wise not to go for scans before Christmas.I've learnt my lesson cos I made the mistake of having a mammogram just before a cruise/holiday.Go enjoy yourself and have the core biopsy when you get back they said  -kinda took the edge off my enjoyment.I think we lose confidence in our bodies.I hate the fact that I have no idea what might be lurking in me. Sounds like you are doing everything you can Celeste and it's good that it was picked up early rather than too late. Have a break from cancer and enjoy  Christmas with your daughter.Like Leonie and Jane,I've started living more for the moment.But I understand that it's abit easier for us to dance in the rain.I pray for you and Amanda every day- hope the scans will swing in your favour.

                                      love Tonya xx

Hello Kathy, thank you for your lovely post. Yes, you are right when you say new treatments are happening all the time...I seem to lose sight of this. Anything can happen i guess. There is always hope.

I am certainly plodding along in first gear at the moment! Chemo has zapped me of a lot of energy, so I'm taking things very easy most of the time, and enjoying the change of pace to be honest. I think I am still learning to "let go" and "accept". Having only got the "all clear" in April this year, and then to be diagnosed with ABC 8 weeks ago (by accident mind you) has been a tremendous thing to get my head around. I am getting there though, one day at a time.

I agree, all we have is today Kathy...we cant bank on anything else. Have a lovely X-mas!

Take care,

Celeste?

Hi Jo, yes I agree with you about the stress. I had some tremendous stress before my first diagnosis in 2008, and the same earlier this year before my second diagnosis. I am about to have my 3rd cycle of Docetaxal (and Herceptin) next week. To be honest I've tolerated this chemo better than the first lot (AC) in 2009. I've had minimal nausea, a metallic taste in my mouth but most of all, much fatigue. I also still get hot flushes from immediate menopause that resulted in 2009 due to chemo back then. My periods never returned. I've lost about 9 kilos or so since my second diagnosis, and I put that down to stopping Tamoxifen and the change in my diet. I feel so much better for having lost the extra weight.

You are right about the worrying not changing the scan results Jo...no amount of worrying can do that. I have good days when I dont even think about the scans, and other times when I worry...I guess that is just a normal part of all of this. I was given the option of having the scans done a day before X-mas or after, and I chose after...I am determined to not let anything get in the way of having a lovely x-mas!

Take care,

Celeste?

Hi Amy, yes, I agree... it is certainly natural to get uptight around scan time. Thank you for your best wishes for a lovely New Year's pressie! ;-)

Celeste?

I participated in a Mindfulness Course this year and it thought me so much as well.  It is all about living in the NOW and enjoying now. XLeonie