Hello, my name is Heidstar and I have Breast Cancer: Diagnosed 20 February...surgery (lumpectomy & sentinel node biopsy) 8 March. Lymph clear, margins not. Scheduled for mastectomy & reconstruction (implant) 19 March. That's the bad dream...I'm ready to wake up now. My head says "you'll be fine, stay strong, stay positive, good things will come of this, you are resilient, you have people who care and love you.." yadda yadda yadda. My heart says "STOP! I want to get off!"."This isn't happening!"."this only happens to other people!". Slowly I am beginning to realise that I am "other people" and that no amount of denial or self-delusion will change the cold, hard, scientific fact that I have a serious disease called breast cancer. I am special yet like so others here and elsewhere in "BC Land" I am just one of many. And other contradictions apply here: I'm told to be positive when all I see is dark black clouds billowing threateningly before me, encouraged to be strong as every part of my body just wants to sleep until the nightmare is over, advised that this is not a death sentence (so why don't we rename BC something less malevolent like 'breast disease"), told that things will get better as I howl into my husbands shoulder in sheer terror. In this time of uncertainty and impotence my heart rules as my mind tries to gain a stranglehold on reality. Yes, I'm sure I'll experience what so many before me have in terms of getting through this with strength and even end up in a better place than I started. But I'm not ready for that just yet. I think I need to process the enormity of my emotions first ...before I take the next step towards acceptance and growth as so many of you have before me. You posts are inspirational and act as a beacon to guide those of us who suddenly find ourselves in a thick soupy fog. Thankyou. Fingers crossed this next surgery holds no new surprises...and that the reconstruction doesn't freak me out too much (not until now did I realise I cared quite so much about my body image!)

Hi Heidistar,welcome to this site, and I hope we can give you support and information when you need it. I am coming out the other side now, having almost reached 12 months since finishing chemo. Today I am going to the hairdresser for my 5th haircut after losing my hair last year. It does grow back, and very cury in my case, but I am told to expect it to become straight again in the next 12 months. I also have had reconstruction with implants, and I am very happy with the results. I decided to have a second mastectomy before my reconstruction, and so I now have 2 new boobs both the same size. I am back to being a 14B which is where I was before breast cancer. I haven't had nipples put on yet, and may not ever bother. This seemed important before I had the reconstruction. Now that it is completed, I'm not so concerned about it. I look normal in clothing, and have my cleavage back, which makes me feel happy, not that I show it off. It just looks better in a T shirt or jumper or dress. Good luck with your surgery and any treatment you may require. We will be thinking of you. Love Chris xx

Thanks Chris Amazing how helpful stories like yours are for a 'newbie' like me...to put things in perspective more than anything else. I am quite concerned about the assymetry (my healthy breast is totic i.e. droopy). But that's minor I guess. The surgeon is going to try to save my nipple....I see the plastic surgeon this afternoon before my op on Monday so not sure what his thoughts on the matter might be :) 5 haircuts already! Nice work. My sister-in-law's hair went curly too....lasted about 6 months before it went straight again...so there is hope ;) Can I ask why you had a second mastectomy? Thanks again for your encouragement. and best wishes Heidixxx

Liz - you've hit the nail on my head (the one about not wanting to 'fail'). With so many people telling me how positive and strong I am, I started feeling there was something wrong with me when my thoughts and feelings ddin't match their expectations! And of course the fear...the fear that rarely even articulates itself but sits in the pit of my stomache and in my skin. I was even thinking about a second mastectomy on my healthy breast, just so I could have 2 perky breasts. But my surgeon suggested I wait and see how I feel first and not to rush into a decision that I might later regret. She's right of course and your attitude towards it helps me put things in perspective too ;) There is no 'perfect' no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to get through this. Although I am concerned about how people will see me when it's all over and I'm back on my feet. What I mean is, I am aware that how I behave now will affect how they see me in the future. So I want to portray dignity and positivty and strength so they will see me as a good person. Is that silly? The psychiatrist I saw (plastic surgeon insists on all his patients seeing a psych before surgery) asked me "you mean all the people who know and love you as you are?" Hmm...food for thought. BTW, have you finished your other treatments yet? Or are you still going through chemo etc? Cheers Heidixxx

I can SO identify with worrying about how people will shape their views of you going into the future on the basis of how you behave during this horrible period. I was preoccupied with this too, and put a lot of pressure on myself to appear to be handling it 'well' so that others would think well of me! I love your psychiatrist's comment (and how good that this referral was made). So true. I've actually had moments of wishing I'd been more 'authentic' about my feelings during treatment. I think this was one reason I started a blog, to work through some things and try to get a grip on how I actually felt. And as for the pressure to 'think positive', I've touched on this a little on my blog (www.paw-paw-salad.com) in a post I didn't put on this site - and I think that it's something I'll return to in future, as I'm still struggling with it. I also wondered about a prophylactic mastectomy on the second breast. My team is divided in their reactions to this idea (fair enough - it's not a simple decision!). General consensus was to wait a while, recover from active treatment and then make a decision further down the track. I sway to and fro on the issue on a regular basis! In answer to your question, I've just returned to Darwin after finishing surgery (x3), chemo and radiotherapy - I had my treatment in Sydney (where I had just moved from on being diagnosed). All the very best, Liz

Thanks Chris. Great points for me to think about moving forward. We're all different yet the same. I love hearing about different perspectives. Helps alot. I may go down the same track as you but will wait to see how things pan out with mammo number one first. Am taking deep breaths in preparation for tomorrow. Thankyou Chris xxx

I'd like to wake up now... | BCNA Online Network

12 Replies

Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Carpe Diem Syndrome - I love it! Liz, sounds like we might have been separated at birth ;) I don't mind the Sinead look. It's Winter do its covered most of the time anyway ... Kind of liberating actually ...
Liz_in_Darwin
Member
14 years ago
Hi Heidi. I am sorry to hear about the unpleasant events during chemo - I hope it is relatively plain sailing from here. can't believe the timing with loss of your job! I identify so strongly with everything in your last paragraph. On my blog (the one linked to at the bottom of my BCNA posts) I wrote a whole post about suffering from 'Carpe Diem Syndrome' - my term for the self-imposed pressure I felt after diagnosis to tackle everything in my life that needed changing, all at once! Sounds like you're also showing symptoms!!

All the very best, and hope you're adjusting to the Sinaed look OK...

Liz
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Oh boy...that wasn't much fun at all! After both chemo sessions I spent the first 4-5 days feeling very queasy indeed and in bed...just when the nausea was subsiding, my immune system stopped working efficiently - first a flu with accompanying fever after session 1, then a nasty headcold after session 2. But...at least by week 3 after session1 I felt good. I actually felt good...good enough to shave my already deciduous hair off in preparation for chemo session 2.

In the front of my mind I'm thinking "just focus on getting better, your health is most important"...in the back of my mind there's a niggling reminder that life WILL return to some normality and that I will need to look for another job (I was advised that my job is redundant just after my diagnosis), make some decisions about what i want my life to look like, pay the bills, continue with stage 2 of reconstruction and possibly decide on a 2nd mastectomy etc. It's exhausting!

I don't know about any of you but i feel that i DO want breast cancer to change my life, for the better of course...yet I suspect that old habits die hard and that the breast cancer itself won't automatically change my life. I have a key role to play in any transformation...thus I feel a sense of pressure and urgency (self-imposed of course) which detracts from the time and energy I need to heal myself.

Thanks for listening :)
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Oh boy...that wasn't much fun at all! After both chemo sessions I spent the first 4-5 days feeling very queasy indeed and in bed...just when the nausea was subsiding, my immune system stopped working efficiently - first a flu with accompanying fever after session 1, then a nasty headcold after session 2. But...at least by week 3 after session1 I felt good. I actually felt good...good enough to shave my already deciduous hair off in preparation for chemo session 2.

In the front of my mind I'm thinking "just focus on getting better, your health is most important"...in the back of my mind there's a niggling reminder that life WILL return to some normality and that I will need to look for another job (I was advised that my job is redundant just after my diagnosis), make some decisions about what i want my life to look like, pay the bills, continue with stage 2 of reconstruction and possibly decide on a 2nd mastectomy etc. It's exhausting!

I don't know about any of you but i feel that i DO want breast cancer to change my life, for the better of course...yet I suspect that old habits die hard and that the breast cancer itself won't automatically change my life. I have a key role to play in any transformation...thus I feel a sense of pressure and urgency (self-imposed of course) which detracts from the time and energy I need to heal myself.

Thanks for listening :)
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Hey Susan. Limbo is right! You might have seen how many other ladies have said the shock etc gets better. Well they're right ;) I just want out of the hospital now ( surgeon won't release me until drains are clear). The pain has practically gone and I feel fit as a fiddle. Just a tightness around my right side and where they cut I guess. This was my first time in hospital so I was ultra anxious and lost a couple of nights sleep. Even with sleeping tablets. I have found that the anxiety and tension diminish and my mood lifts significantly if I can get a good nights sleep. pathology report came back with no new news (yay) so once my body has recovered from surgery it's chemo and hormone treatment for me. Good luck with the MRI Susan. Each extra piece of knowledge about your disease will take you one step closer to healing and one step further away from the unknown. Well, that's what I've experienced so far at any rate :) Cheers Heidi
Susan1101
Member
14 years ago
Oh my goodness ... I'd like to wake up now too - that is if I ever sleep a whole night through again!!
I was diagnosed 17 days ago & have been living in a state of limbo ever since.
In 2 days I find out the results of the MRI & if my surgeon will be recommending chemo prior to surgery, or if the lump is small enough to do the surgery first.
So many things to think about & it does help to know that there are others who have made these decisions before.
I'm hoping .. a week after your surgery.. that all went well & you are healing in body & spirit.
My thoughts are with you.
Susan.
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Hey Liz - sounds like we may be quite similar in our thinking ;) I'm also not the best at expressing how i feel (well, the dark side anyway). Writing it down helps alot. I will also use the services of free counselling at the hospital as I am finding that having someone actually listen encourages me to talk about my feelings...without judgement. Friends and family aren't so good at this ;)

I will def check out your blog...like your team, my surgeon def thinks I should wait...get through this surgery and the treatment before hitting my body with another shock.

So for now it's deep breaths and more deep breaths. My world has shrunk to a very small focus...me and my cancer (LOL).

Cheers

Heidixxx
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Thanks Chris. Great points for me to think about moving forward. We're all different yet the same. I love hearing about different perspectives. Helps alot. I may go down the same track as you but will wait to see how things pan out with mammo number one first. Am taking deep breaths in preparation for tomorrow. Thankyou Chris xxx
Liz_in_Darwin
Member
14 years ago
I can SO identify with worrying about how people will shape their views of you going into the future on the basis of how you behave during this horrible period. I was preoccupied with this too, and put a lot of pressure on myself to appear to be handling it 'well' so that others would think well of me! I love your psychiatrist's comment (and how good that this referral was made). So true. I've actually had moments of wishing I'd been more 'authentic' about my feelings during treatment. I think this was one reason I started a blog, to work through some things and try to get a grip on how I actually felt. And as for the pressure to 'think positive', I've touched on this a little on my blog (www.paw-paw-salad.com) in a post I didn't put on this site - and I think that it's something I'll return to in future, as I'm still struggling with it.

I also wondered about a prophylactic mastectomy on the second breast. My team is divided in their reactions to this idea (fair enough - it's not a simple decision!). General consensus was to wait a while, recover from active treatment and then make a decision further down the track. I sway to and fro on the issue on a regular basis!

In answer to your question, I've just returned to Darwin after finishing surgery (x3), chemo and radiotherapy - I had my treatment in Sydney (where I had just moved from on being diagnosed).

All the very best,

Liz
Heidstar12
Member
14 years ago
Liz - you've hit the nail on my head (the one about not wanting to 'fail'). With so many people telling me how positive and strong I am, I started feeling there was something wrong with me when my thoughts and feelings ddin't match their expectations! And of course the fear...the fear that rarely even articulates itself but sits in the pit of my stomache and in my skin.

I was even thinking about a second mastectomy on my healthy breast, just so I could have 2 perky breasts. But my surgeon suggested I wait and see how I feel first and not to rush into a decision that I might later regret. She's right of course and your attitude towards it helps me put things in perspective too ;) There is no 'perfect' no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to get through this.

Although I am concerned about how people will see me when it's all over and I'm back on my feet. What I mean is, I am aware that how I behave now will affect how they see me in the future. So I want to portray dignity and positivty and strength so they will see me as a good person. Is that silly? The psychiatrist I saw (plastic surgeon insists on all his patients seeing a psych before surgery) asked me "you mean all the people who know and love you as you are?" Hmm...food for thought.

BTW, have you finished your other treatments yet? Or are you still going through chemo etc?

Cheers

Heidixxx