Waiting, waiting, waiting + frustration
I’m sorry, I’m really making the most of the solidarity here. It’s been almost 3 weeks since my diagnosis (43yr old, Grade 2, ER+ PR+ HER- mixed lobular/ductal) & I’m usually a super patient person, but I’m feeling quite down.
I go for my PET scan & MRI tomorrow morning, early. I’m then seeing the surgeon again next week for hopefully a bit of a plan for treatment. I’m sick of not being able to plan or commit to anything. I’ve kept working as much as I can, but I’m getting sick of being told about friends of friends who have died of BC, or at the other end that ‘it’s so treatable & nothing much to worry about’.
This morning I had my first real big cry, which made my 10yo daughter cry too, which made me feel worse. I cried because she has a grotty cough & so we had to take her with us for the 4 hr trip to our nearest imaging place & not send her to school or expose our neighbours to her germs. I cried because my oldest daughter had to stay behind. I cried because my oldest daughter turns 13 very soon & wants to be excited & plan her birthday, then she flips & apologises & says ‘don’t worry about getting me anything Mum’.
I go for my PET scan & MRI tomorrow morning, early. I’m then seeing the surgeon again next week for hopefully a bit of a plan for treatment. I’m sick of not being able to plan or commit to anything. I’ve kept working as much as I can, but I’m getting sick of being told about friends of friends who have died of BC, or at the other end that ‘it’s so treatable & nothing much to worry about’.
This morning I had my first real big cry, which made my 10yo daughter cry too, which made me feel worse. I cried because she has a grotty cough & so we had to take her with us for the 4 hr trip to our nearest imaging place & not send her to school or expose our neighbours to her germs. I cried because my oldest daughter had to stay behind. I cried because my oldest daughter turns 13 very soon & wants to be excited & plan her birthday, then she flips & apologises & says ‘don’t worry about getting me anything Mum’.
I really know now how it feels to feel like a burden. I told my husband I should have just gone alone this trip, but he insisted on coming to keep me company, which I do appreciate.
I’m so lucky really to be surrounded by so much love & well-intentioned support, but I think reality is really starting to sink in. I’m already sick of doing the 8hr round trip for the nearest cancer care, yet this is only the start.
How do I decide what surgery is best? I don’t care much about my appearance, & I think a mastectomy & going flat makes the most sense, causes the least disruption to my family, but I feel quite sad still about losing my breast.
Ugh. Anyway, no need to reply, just needed to get this off my chest.
