Hi All!!!Well, I have to say I'm pretty upbeat considering :p generally....however being 11 months post chemo and constant appointments and feeling improved everyday. I have my Plastic Surgeon appointment this afternoon...and when I got up, I found myself fall into a puddle of tears, inconsolable. This is the end part of my journey to have a Mastectomy/reconstruction and found myself petrified, sad, just really hurt I guess that after the journey I have to face all this now eventhough its preventative and the last thing after 5yrs of having it twice. I know I have to do it, but I feel so upset about losing my breast, obviously there are so many reasons. The worst thing I find about today is...really wanting my Mum!! Stupid right??? Im 48yo but I lost her suddently 7yrs ago and its been a massive hole, and my Breast Cancer twice and she hasnt been here has been quietly upsetting for me. Im a get on with it type of girl...and I did...but the quiet moments right now just feel such a want and need for her...Uuugh! Im sure I'll feel better after the appointment. The past 5yrs Ive done all appointments alone...except for a couple. Yes, put on the big girl pants??? hmmm and get on with it!! Uuuugh OK!!!! sorry thats my vent on my vulnerability of the day!!! Hugs everyone! Melinda xo

Hey @melclarity - every girl (and boy) needs their Mum but in times like these - it is so hard. You are not venting - it is most likely the angst, trepidation, waiting and looking at that calendar with 24/11 clearly marked on it ! Like the countdown to Christmas (without any of the joy) we spend all our time preparing for it and the day finally comes and in your case - reality hits ! Nah, your thoughts aren't stupid at all Melinda - going through the last 5 years on your own (mostly) falsely prepares you into thinking you can do this one too. Finally the last hurdle ... I totally get how you want your Mum now. I lost my Mum just over 2 years ago to mbc and whilst I would have loved her around (she gave me so much support during my first diagnosis), in many respects I am glad she is not around for my mbc diagnosis. She would have blamed herself (which she did when she was diagnosed - "It's my fault that you have it"). No genetic testing was not done - no other recurrence in the family and my Mum was 70 when she was diagnosed. Will be thinking of you this afternoon Mel. Light & hugs to you xxx

Hey Melinda. Oh Hugs to you! I am so sorry for all you have had to go through. I think I understand how you feel. I just couldn't face the decision of having a mastectomy. The thought of losing my breast was just too much to bear. I was fortunate that I had a choice of lumpectomy but my biggest fear is if I have a recurrence I will have to had a mastectomy and I just don't know how I could handle that. I too am 48 and I too have many times when I just want my mum. My mum is still alive but she is never "there for me" as she has her own stuff to deal with. She has changed into a completely different person to the mum I had when I was young. She always comforted me when I was little but not now. So I miss that. I guess it means we just want someone to comfort us, take away the burden and to take care of us. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon at your appointment. I hope it all goes well.Hugs, Nadine

Not stupid at all I was 51 when diagnosed and so many times I've missed my Mum on this journey. I particularly remember feeling extremely anxious prior my first appointment ...and we were early. We sat outside and I decided to do a mindfulness technique to calm me down. Whilst deep breathing and listening to the leaves . ..I felt and heard her say "it will be alright" It was so powerful. She has visited once since when doing it tough in my dreams...just saw a handwritten card saying love Mum...I awoke immediately. I so miss having my parents. The planning and the wait is the hardest part, and yes...just starting to feel better then more procedures is so annoying. I too was devaststed to lose my breasts. I mourned for them. I had a farewell party and wrote a poem about them. It seems silly but it helped. Whilst I do miss them, I have adjusted and feel okay with my new appearance. Hope your appointment goes well. Kath x

@share so so true! Funny isn't it? just because you've been strong and done the hard yards doesnt mean you can face the next thing the same way...although most likely would. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum! Like you my Mum is the only other person in my entire family who had Breast Cancer, so they didnt push for Gene testing. But because I had a recurrence which my Mum never did, they needed to be sure. @Nadi thank you!!! it really such an emotional decision and Im so sorry that you do have your Mum still here and yet you don't have her the way you'd soooo want her! That would be so incredibly hard, especially right now and what youre going through. @Primek Kath, that is just so beautiful about your Mum. I dream of my Mum alot, and there are always signs. I have one dragonfly that comes visit every time I go in my back yard or sit at my computer and overlook the yard. Not to mention her favourite songs come on in the most incredible moments. I totally agree with the mourning of your breasts and what a wonderful thing to do write a poem. I love writing, I used to write alot of poetry.Thank you all ladies for your lovely thoughts, it was so nerve racking!!! But I met him, he was absolutely lovely. We talked through the entire thing and he examined me. So here it is, Im a great candidate for the Diep Flap reconstruction and he explained he will do a skin sparing but I'll lose the nipple. Call me strange but psychologically I can seem to manage this better knowing I'll keep some of the skin of the breast, well most of it, its just the contents will be gone and my stomach used to fill it. He said he can get quite good symmetry just doing that as am big breasted. He was really good in explaining so Im category 2, and he said within 90 days it will happen. He wanted before christmas, but to be honest I dont want to be miserable and recovering through Christmas and the holidays. Plus I work in education and get paid leave for January. I have income protection all next year which makes more sense. Down side is he said I wouldnt be able to resume my job for minimum of 3 months. I dont really care to be honest ME FIRST!!!!! Hugs ladies xo

Wonderful plan . I was okay losing my nipples . ..I figured if they were not going to feel the same then why worry. I couldn't save one so opted to lose both. I will have recon and tattoo later. Love that your Mum is letting you know she is there. Treasure the moments.

Plastic Surgeon today...was cool and calm...now petrified and teary...

23 Replies

melclarity
Member
9 years ago
Thanks Michelle!! I really appreciate it! Im doing better today, emotionally. xx
Michelle_R
Member
9 years ago
I hope you have wonderful Christmas before your surgery in January. You will get through it because you are strong and brave and resourceful, despite all the hurdles you have had to face. It's okay to be upset - none of this is fair. Sending you a huge cyber hug. xxx Michelle
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
@socoda thats so sweet, thank you!!

@LouiseTurner You are so right, I think I underestimated the impact of the appointment and I do my appointments alone, which doesnt help. Have never really had much support through the last 5yrs, only sometimes. Maybe thats because when you are the one who is strong for everyone else, people dont know what to do when its in reverse and seeing you vulnerable, don't know, but its hard for sure and hurts a little.

Pulling it together a little today, I have the weekend to myself and today have just honored me and acknowledged the pain I feel emotionally/mentally. Ive been through 2 major lumpectomies, and 2 separate treatments that nearly killed me. So I know I too can get through the next hurdle as much as I am dreading it. I think too if I didnt have to worry about work and being a single parent, I wouldnt have half the amount of stress, but have so much to factor in and all I want to do is spend time pulling me and my life back together, but there isnt time as work 3 days a week and am in bed at 4.30pm when I get home fatigued each day.

So next year is about me, and thankful for 1 more year of income protection, I wont be rushing back to work! I want to heal in every way. Thanks again xo Melinda
LouiseTurner
In Memoriam
9 years ago
Hi Melinda, I remember well my first plastic surgeon appointment to discuss mastectomy and reconstruction. It was sureal and really bought the enormity of this whole bc thing home. I barely remember anything from the appointment but that she was really nice. She asked how I was, then how my family was. I thought that was really thoughtful. My husband was with me. When we got back to the car I sobbed. It was a big moment when I realized I was stuck in this place with no way out that was good.

But then I did what we all do I think. I wiped away the tears and got my shit together to face whatever came my way.

Hang in there, you will find a way to make it all work, Louie xxxx
socoda
Member
9 years ago
Melinda, I'm waving my magic wand and you are now my virtual sister Xoxox :) <3
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
@"Ellen Garratt" Good luck with your Plastic Surgeon, let us know how you go!

@socoda OMG you actually reduced me to tears, I actually havent stopped crying in 2 days now, been having a really hard time! So I appreciate your thoughts and I will ask too about a Nurse to come out and do my dressings, wonderful idea!!!! and yes I could stock up on easy meals though the week, thanks!!! and I'll take the HUG!!!! OMG do I need it right now!!! Mums are the best!!! they dont have to say or do anything...just be present and the funny thing is my daughter voiced only yesterday what I meant to her...and that reinforced in a puddle of tears yes, of how I too feel about my Mum. I think too as I have no sisters and have always felt that missing for me. So yes focus on what you do have!! Thanks xoxo
socoda
Member
9 years ago
Hi Melinda,sending you a big warm hug. Have been reading the comments in this thread and thought I would suggest this :- community nurses for your dressings - as I'm sure you are already aware they have the waterproof dressings now which can go for a longer period of time without the frequency of changing and the nurse can come out and change the dressings for you. How about something like lite and easy where everything is already prepared for you and delivered - no shopping, cooking etc just heating (stock up on UHT milk and you'll have everything). Don't know if these services are available in your area but if your lovelies are staying at their dads this might be an option (financially). Can understand your need for your mum, you are an incredibly strong woman who has handled the hard challenges that this disease has thrown at you but there nothing like a hug and a mum to soothe away worries and stresses. Xx
Ellen_Garratt
Member
9 years ago
Oh dear Melinda, I also had radiation and only 3 years ago, so my prospects of surgery are possibly the same as yours. I go to my breast surgeon on the 8 Dec, so I'll have to wait to see what he says. I certainly wasn't thinking of an implant either. It's pretty unsettling when you make a decision (a big one at that) to have a reconstruction and things go pear shaped. Take care and remember we are beautiful. x
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
@Brenda5 they sure do!!! and yes Ive had that happen too in public, and sat in my car, its awful.

Thanks Kath! @ Primek yes he said its massive 6hr op, 8 week recovery and I cannot work for 3 months minimum in my job.

Thanks @"Ellen Garratt" I didnt really have a choice as I had radiation 5 yrs ago, so the Plastic Surgeon said he wouldnt recommend an implant. He said he'd offer a Diep Flap over an implant generally for many reasons, being live tissue. I honestly didnt want an implant, though admit not happy with the alternative either. But at least I will keep someof the breast skin.

Thanks everyone! Not great today at all...the whole reality has me quietly sitting very upset at the moment. xo Melinda
Ellen_Garratt
Member
9 years ago
I have just decided to get a reconstruction done after 3 years. I am yet to speak to plastic surgeon but hoping my decision is the right one. I am still nervous and will probably get more emotional as the decision becomes final. I am lucky to still have my 90 year old Mum who listens to my gripes and emotions. Good luck Mel and hope all is well with you.

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Plastic Surgeon today...was cool and calm...now petrified and teary...

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