Forum Discussion
"I don't have time for BC"
Let me start from the beginning...
Fri 13th April 2018, a day after I turned 35 years old. As I was getting ready for work, I felt a strange lump on my right breast and it was painful to touch. Initially, I thought it was muscle soreness from training at the gym. But something was telling me it was not - the lump felt strange and I have never seen it before. Three hours later, the GP was booking me an appointment for an examination at the breast clinic.
My thoughts at the time... First of all, I am too young to have BC. I don't smoke, I drink occasionally, I don't have a family history and nor do I have any pre-existing medical issues. As a woman of the Australian Defence Force, I pride myself on being fit and healthy. I am a good person... so there is no way I could have BC. Absolutely... no way!
Mon 16th April, there is probably a good reason why no one told me a breast biopsy hurts like a Mother F*@ker! because I probably wouldn't have turned up. A whole day of mammograms and ultrasounds followed by an agonising biopsy - revealed I had two lumps in my right breast. My body - in pain. My mind - on another planet trying to run away from reality. "This can not be happening right now".
Thu 19th April, I was diagnosed with of Ductal Carcinoma In Situ in my right breast. I remember looking at the Doctor and saying, "Excuse me, but I don't have time for BC. I am studying full-time, I am working full-time and my goal is to apply for Paramedic jobs next month, so this is really inconvenient for me". Now that I think about, I am not too sure why those words came out of my mouth, but my mind couldn't register the news. That morning I was at university, living my normal life, so I didn't take anyone with me to the appointment.
Fri 27th April, I am dressed and ready for surgery. Right breast mastectomy and reconstruction. Looking in bathroom mirror, I pause - "What the hell? My world has changed dramatically in two weeks. I mean, God, I prayed for a sign to point me in the right direction, I didn't think cancer was going to be the answer." As I look down at my right breast, I say, "Well, goodbye right breast. Thank you for 35 years of service. You have been good to me... and my ex-boyfriends, but your time on earth has come to an end. In five hours time, I will have a new breast".
Tomorrow is four weeks since the operation and I am at home, recovering. I went from an active lifestyle, on the go all the time... to a sudden stop. Planning the next step - fertility and on-going treatment. Today the oncologist recommended I freeze my eggs for the opportunity to become a mother in the future. I was not thinking about motherhood before my diagnosis. The only reason I haven't become a mother is because I thought I had time, and also, I haven't found a man who is willing to stay around long enough to want a family.
What I have discovered on this unexpected journey, is how some people approach "Cancer", including myself. All my life I have been a strong independent woman, goal orientated and never needed to rely on anyone. It feels weird for me to ask for help. I have my immediate family and friends for support, but I feel like there is something missing. Perhaps if I spoke to people who have been through BC, maybe it will help.
So here I am, writing my story in this forum. Let's see how this goes.
Flips
Fri 13th April 2018, a day after I turned 35 years old. As I was getting ready for work, I felt a strange lump on my right breast and it was painful to touch. Initially, I thought it was muscle soreness from training at the gym. But something was telling me it was not - the lump felt strange and I have never seen it before. Three hours later, the GP was booking me an appointment for an examination at the breast clinic.
My thoughts at the time... First of all, I am too young to have BC. I don't smoke, I drink occasionally, I don't have a family history and nor do I have any pre-existing medical issues. As a woman of the Australian Defence Force, I pride myself on being fit and healthy. I am a good person... so there is no way I could have BC. Absolutely... no way!
Mon 16th April, there is probably a good reason why no one told me a breast biopsy hurts like a Mother F*@ker! because I probably wouldn't have turned up. A whole day of mammograms and ultrasounds followed by an agonising biopsy - revealed I had two lumps in my right breast. My body - in pain. My mind - on another planet trying to run away from reality. "This can not be happening right now".
Thu 19th April, I was diagnosed with of Ductal Carcinoma In Situ in my right breast. I remember looking at the Doctor and saying, "Excuse me, but I don't have time for BC. I am studying full-time, I am working full-time and my goal is to apply for Paramedic jobs next month, so this is really inconvenient for me". Now that I think about, I am not too sure why those words came out of my mouth, but my mind couldn't register the news. That morning I was at university, living my normal life, so I didn't take anyone with me to the appointment.
Fri 27th April, I am dressed and ready for surgery. Right breast mastectomy and reconstruction. Looking in bathroom mirror, I pause - "What the hell? My world has changed dramatically in two weeks. I mean, God, I prayed for a sign to point me in the right direction, I didn't think cancer was going to be the answer." As I look down at my right breast, I say, "Well, goodbye right breast. Thank you for 35 years of service. You have been good to me... and my ex-boyfriends, but your time on earth has come to an end. In five hours time, I will have a new breast".
Tomorrow is four weeks since the operation and I am at home, recovering. I went from an active lifestyle, on the go all the time... to a sudden stop. Planning the next step - fertility and on-going treatment. Today the oncologist recommended I freeze my eggs for the opportunity to become a mother in the future. I was not thinking about motherhood before my diagnosis. The only reason I haven't become a mother is because I thought I had time, and also, I haven't found a man who is willing to stay around long enough to want a family.
What I have discovered on this unexpected journey, is how some people approach "Cancer", including myself. All my life I have been a strong independent woman, goal orientated and never needed to rely on anyone. It feels weird for me to ask for help. I have my immediate family and friends for support, but I feel like there is something missing. Perhaps if I spoke to people who have been through BC, maybe it will help.
So here I am, writing my story in this forum. Let's see how this goes.
Flips
27 Replies
- @tigerbeth You know, to be honest, I didn't know what the lump is meant to feel like. I've heard a breast cancer lump doesn't hurt. Hence why I had my doubts what the lump was on my breast. I must admit, I lack the education. But most of all, I was scared to find out the truth. Telling my sister's, they too became scared of finding a lump on their own breasts. It was kind of hard to explain to both my sister's how the lump feels like.
If I had a word to describe how I feel right now, coming on this service, I would have to say - "relieved". It is almost like I am secretly suffering inside to prevent others from seeing how I really feel. It is hard enough to see my loved ones cry or feel sorry for me, so I put on a brave face. On here, I can open up. Feel safe.
Thank you. Good luck @tigerbeth on your recovery too. Good luck to all women and men on their recovery through cancer. It is a bitch of a thing. - @Flips Welcome to our world , luckily the ladies here are lovely , kind ,sympathetic ,informative, funny , approachable & always available .
Sorry you find yourself here , my diagnosis was only a few weeks before yours , such a shock , I've had a lumpectomy & waiting for radiation to commence in a few weeks .Its all shit !! I concur that the biopsy hurt like a bitch !! A friend of mine knew it would but didn't tell me as she didn't want to stress me out more.
Being younger you do have added pressure with the decisions you have to make for your future ,sounds like your guy is a goody if he's still around ,don't lock him out (lets face it most guys find this hard to deal with ).
This is a massive learning curve ,cant believe what I didn't know before hand , which has made me a bit of a preacher to anyone with boobs !! Check, Check & Check again !!
A great deal of this battle is with our emotions ,expectations & the interruption to our life plan , hard to get a handle on these I know ,but baby steps I reckon & don't be too hard on yourself . Share the load when you can .
As the others have said come here to rant , bitch, moan & cry ,we get it !!!
Good luck with your recovery
Hugs xxx - @primek I hear what you are saying. After being diagnosed, I was not prepared for what was about to come. I still am fumbling my way through this experience. That bloody emotional rollercoaster is something I never asked for... its not something any of us ask for.
You have nailed it... control. Not having control and being vulnerable to cancer is not something I was ready to accept. But I had no choice. That is the frustrating part. But I have been told time... in time everything will get easier. I have to believe that.
All the best with planning your holiday. It will be well worth the wait.
Thanks again x - Thanks @SoldierCrab appreciate the quick response. I will work my way through the links. Cheers
- Welcome Flips. It sure is a whirlwind. I had just started a new ...going to be ...less stress job...and was fimally having holidays without kids with husband when I was diagnosed. I certainly had the "oh come on...it's not bloody fair " moment. Our family had been through so much already. The biggest thing I had to accept was I'm not in control.
I can plan. I can catalogue results etc but I wasn't in control. I couldn't control how my body responded to chemo. I couldn't stop my steady decline into depression during treatment...try as I might. I couldn't stop the fatigue. I couldn't even stop the weight gain. Once I accepted it...accepted the chemo arrived late, that I had allergies, i had side effects etc etc...and I was too bloody tired to do it all...it was good.
I rode the bloody emotions of cancer. I couldn't plan ahead as I didn't know what would happen (the whats the point of planning a holiday...I might have mets by then...that kind of thinking). I cried often...and sometimes I was just freaking awesome...slapping on a smile and faking it so others thought I was doing ok. But hell...I got through it.
2 years on now....life is back on track. I'm studying...and planning that bloody holiday again.
Welcome here. We are ready to hold your hand...listen to a rant...cry with you...or just feel angry...cause damn you cancer...none of us have the bloody time to fight you...but I guess we re-prioritize our lives yet again. Kath x - @kmakm your post brought me to tears. The shock is starting to settle in. I have been doing my best to not cry or let my emotions get the best of me. I suppose it has to do with my military training - it has been 12 years since I joined. All this is new to me and I like to be in control of my life. But your words, and everyone else, in this short amount of time, has brought comfort - what I am going through is normal.
You are absolutely right, I feel guilty at times - like my BC has burden those around me. I notice the difference in the way people talk to me, how people approach me or how people behave around me. I am very grateful for their support and love. But sometimes, it is a struggle. My mind rides the rollercoaster of emotions and my body is too sore/tired to keep up.
For example, I have been dating a guy since Dec 2017. I found myself feeling guilty at times when our conversations is about BC. Talking about fertility, plans about my on-going treatment etc... I feel like I am forcing decisions we're not meant to have yet, because the relationship is still new. This BC is my illness and my burden. He is trying, in the best way he knows how. But he has his life too. So who am I to ask him to make changes or to drop everything? Wouldn't that be selfish of me to ask him to be by my side? It gets lonely to try and figure things out. But to be honest, who knows if he is in for the long haul. I suppose that is why I have to make decisions for what is best for me.
To your question about "What kind of reconstruction I had?", my surgeon put an implant in after she did the mastectomy. The lymph nodes came back negative, so I don't have to do chemo. Everything was done on the same day.
I will try head space app for meditation. I am not good at slowing down my thoughts, but I will try. I have been seeing a psychologist and physiotherapy.
Thanks again for the time to write your post. I will also read your bio.
Flips :smile: - http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/10-young-women ; young womens group
Below are a couple of links to help you find your way around the forum and also how to find a breast care nurse and how to order a MY journey Kit if you haven't got one yet.
It can be a a whirlwind when we first get a diagnosed.... Breathe and take it one step at a time.
The what and how thread.
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14879/the-what-and-how-thread/p1
Breast Care Nurses
https://www.mcgrathfoundation.com.au/OurMission/OurNurses/FindANurse.aspx
My Journey Kits and other resources.
https://www.bcna.org.au/resources/
BCNA Helpline 1800 500 258
If you have any questions, concerns or require any further information or support please call 1800 500 258. The Helpline is open Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9 am till 5 pm EST and Tuesday and Thursday from 9 am till 9 pm EST.
Soldiercrab- Hi Flips, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but now that you are, I hope you find it as supportive, warm and helpful as I have. There are even some laughs to be had along the way!
None of us want to be here (der!), breast cancer is a massive interruption to our lives. I think pretty much all of us have the feeling of being too busy for it. I was diagnosed in early December and I think I actually said "I don't have time for this". Between my wide local excision and re-excision (for margins, I was in the unlucky 12% that have to go back) I was throwing my eldest's 18th birthday party! The following weekend I had a wedding in Sydney. With four kids I had a gajillion end of year school functions to attend. And Christmas Day is always hosted by me at my house. That's dinner for 13 thanks!
Unfortunately as you now know, there's no way round this. You just have to stop fighting and submit to the treatment, which of course takes time. It's the only way through to better health. I'm 'woman interrupted' for six months now. My oncologist told me that it takes 12 months to get back to 100% after chemo. I had a double mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction on the same day as your surgery. The rest of this year is being dedicated to getting strong and healthy again. This is not what I had planned for 2018 at all! My year has been wiped out. It is a brutal reality that I chafe against daily.
What kind of reconstruction did you have?
At my very first meeting with my breast surgeon he and the Breastcare nurse advised me, strongly, to accept help. If it was offered, take it. They (correctly) assessed that this would be difficult for me. I am usually described as strong and highly independent. I am the one that everyone else leans on for help. To have the tables turned so suddenly is shocking, and I found it very challenging to my sense of self indeed.
However I accepted the wisdom. I knew I would need help, there was no way of avoiding it, so I opened myself up to it. Accepting offers of help is advice that is often given here, and for good reason. The best way to think of it I found was to reverse the dynamic. If it was my friend in this position would I be desperate to help her? Of course I would! Helping others makes people feel good. And one of the silver linings of this wretched disease is I have never felt so loved.
I lurked on this forum for a couple of months before I joined. I was punching questions into Google and BCNA results kept coming up. I wish I'd joined sooner because this has become an integral part of my breast cancer experience, a place of new friendships (converted into real life friendships), the most astounding hive mind resource and incredible support. Best of all it is a place of true understanding from people who have done it before you or are doing it at the same time as you. And then when the time comes, which is remarkably quickly, you are helping those who come behind you. Which is a beautiful feeling.
Just a couple of days ago some of us were saying how much this place has helped to take the burden off our partners, close friends, families, whatever our real life support group is. They'll probably never know how much it's spared them!
So maybe hanging out here could be your missing piece. Whinge, complain, moan, rage, vent, and ask every question under the sun, no matter how silly it may seem. We've got you.
You are almost certainly still in shock. The beginning of this rollercoaster is a dreadful time and yours has been very fast moving. Breathe. Literally! Slow it down. Have you tried meditation? I never did it until BC but I have found it very useful. My first emotion was unspeakable white hot rage (read my bio), followed by floods and floods of tears. I cried for Australia... Meditation (I use the Headspace app) somehow creates a breathing space in my mind.
I also have been seeing a specialist breast cancer counsellor. I've never done talking therapy before, and again, have found it very helpful. At the very least it reassures me that what I'm feeling is totally normal! I asked my Breastcare nurse to recommend someone and it's worked out well. Is this something you'd consider? As a starting point you could ring the BCNA helpline and see how having a chat with one of those lovely women works for you. 1800 500 258.
There is a private group here specifically for young women which you may like to join. Scroll down to the bottom of the home page and follow the prompts to join.
I'm sorry for the length of my response here! Something about your post struck a chord. Be kind to yourself Flips, and hang in there. Sending you a big hug. Kate xox - @nonkyboy thank you. No, the hospital hasn't linked me with a McGrath Nurse. I will have to chase it up tomorrow. It will be nice to attend a group forum, or a function to meet other people. Is that something the McGrath Nurse will know about?
