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Amazonian's avatar
Amazonian
Member
7 years ago

How to tell your ‘very complicated’ family of diagnosis

Hi everyone, 
Im in a sticky situation, not fully diagnosed, will find out Friday exactly what type I have. My biggest anxiety (apart from the diagnosis) is telling my very very complicated family.

Firstly my sister, she suffers from a crappy mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, for those who know, this can cause many attempts of suicide, severe depression and severe irrational feelings, it’s a handful, for her and myself.  She relies on me...but as BDP can do, she can be really manipulative and nasty. I’m not angry at her, but it can hurt and have learnt to make boundaries.  But am worried that when she finds out, she will become suicidal. To top it off, my mum organised for my sister and I to go on a cruise end of October, and it looks like that will have to be postponed or canceled. This in itself may bring her undone.

Secondly my Father, he also potentially suffers from and undiagnosed mental illness, he is in his 60’s and has a morbid fear of dying from.....cancer, specifically stomach cancer. His father died from it, in his 60’s. Sadly I avoid my father if possible, he is just to depressing to be around or to talk to. But I know I will have to tell him eventually.
 
Thirdly my mum, who has separated from my father many years ago. I think she will be ok, but again her mum died of cancer too. I think that she may be ok, her partner survived cancer, and I’m hopping it will help her deal with mine. But again, my mum and I do not have a wonderful realtionship. She dislikes my partner a lot, and I fear she will butt heads with him as she can be over the top opinionated and dramatic.  

As as you can probably see, I have a run of the mill dysfunctional family 😆  It’s not a big family, no cousins one Aunty 83 (mums sister) and another Aunty and Uncle (dads side) whome I don’t have much contact with.  

Im definitely the black sheep 😆 very independent from them and have never burdened them. I really wish I didn’t have to tell them, but I know I will have to...eventually. 

I’m asking please for advise, tips, anything on how to deal with telling them, and then dealing with the aftermath of it. Just to know that anyone of you has had to deal with this type of situation would make me feel less alone with it. 

Big thanks in advance! Sorry for loooong post. 
Much love and Amazonian power to you all!  ⭐️💫


  • The reality is YOU are not responsible for how people will react or cope with your diagnosis. You have enough sh!t to deal with, without thinking that is your responsibility as well.

    I was diagnosed the same week as my sister in law died from cancer. Not breast. But I did withold that information from my brother and nieces and nephews until I had a treatment plan. I went through the funeral with them and helped put together a Xmas 48 hours after her funeral. So I get it how that all weighs heavily on you.

    It's hard but better to sit down and just tell them. You might be surprised how they will react.  Tell them your treatment plan...how long it will take and what you need from them. You need there support. 
    It's surprising as providing support and help to others in need often help people fearful of dying, people with depression and possibly even BPD as they suddenly have a purpose....to help you.

    Either way...you just need to focus on you and your needs now.

    And refer them to professional support if they need it.

    Kath x


  • Amazonion I would opt for professional guidance and support - perhaps phone BCNA or the Cancer Council or your Breast care Nurse. I have experience of BPD in my extended family and even in the best of health it can be difficult to negotiate. You are the one who must take charge of how you want to negotiate the demands of this illness. This discussion list is a lifeline and don't ever apologise for the length or contents of your posts. xBeryl