Highs and Lows ... WAVES of whacky emotions..

Hi @LoriB, what a crazy roller coaster this disease puts us on. I'm 29 with triple positive BC in both breasts and spread to right lymph nodes. I've just finished 5 months of chemo and gearing up for a double mastectomy in November, 4 days after my 30th birthday.

I find myself nodding along as read your post, yep, been there, felt that. I still find it hard with the "stay positive" attitude I get from well meaning friends and family but I can't avoid my reality. This situation sucks. I wish I didn't have cancer, I wish I didn't have to have the chemo, I wish more than anything I didn't have to have my breasts removed. Yes, they can just bolt new ones on but it's not as simple or as walk in the park as that sounds. Well meaning people who say that have never had to face it.

Feel what you feel, ride it out and your acceptance (for lack of a better word) of the situation will get better. The carpet has been pulled out from under you, of course it's going to take time to get used to the new ground. However, you will manage however you can and get through it. No one knows what will come later but for know don't worry about that, that's future Lori's problem.

I still have lots of ups and downs. I cry. I laugh til I cry. I make lots of inappropriate jokes about my mortality. I just do what I can to get through it and gently remind my family and friends that this is what I need to do to cope with this crazy situation. We're all here for each other. Cheers, Jen.

I was angry with myself when diagnosed that I hadn't sorted out my genetic risk before I developed cancer but I needed to qickly forgive myself as I had done what I could really.

I get the feeling of being alone and the very real fears that we might not make it. The supportive people saying "you just got to be positive" is enough to send you screaming through the house. It doesn't help. You are scared and angry and just so damn sad. Cry if you need to my lovely.  It's not a sign of giving up or being weak just being sad for you and this assault on your life. And that's allowed. And you will pick yourself up and fight the fight for your life amongst the tears. I personally think it's  much healthier than just pretending it's all okay...it's not okay. But it just is how it is.

So bite your lip when you feel like screaming at them. Let the tears flow when you need. And we are here when you need to talk to others who do just get it. 

And as to google and tnbc....so many survivors out there they don't talk about so regardless of those stats start having the belief you are one of those that will beat it. As many many women have.

Kath x

@LoriB &  @onemargie I once saw a guy wiping his nose on his apron as he was making a whopper at Hungry Jacks here in SA. It’s put me off for life! :) 

Lori eat as many god damn bloody whoppers as you like lovey. We all should. I personally don't eat enough of them.

I wasn’t directing the victim mentality comment at you @AllyJay. I know what you mean, but sometimes the negativity can drag us down. I was sitting in the sunshine by the beach when I wrote that comment.

My oncologist told me that only unhappy people are on forums like this. I disagree with him, but I do come on to have whinge. I guess I was just trying to say that life does return to a level of normality. I have scars, but I also have options and I guess that was my point. If cancer comes back, I’ll deal with it. The moment I was shopping and realised I could soon be dead was a profound moment for me. I survived that and although the issue of dying is always in the back of my mind, I have a place mentally for it. I also try not to keep a mental shopping list of crap things that have happened to me. These are my mental strategies. No two people are the same and that’s why I like it on here. All the best with your treatment. x 

@LucyE, interesting response. I certainly don't personally have a victim mentality at all. The point I was making is that the initial shock can knock you sideways, particularly the fact that everybody else around you has a normal life, and that yours has changed so radically. The week before your diagnosis, you might very well have been buying shoes, but now??? The word picture I was trying to draw with the man analogy was that were that to happen to a man of the same age as LoriB, and that metaphorical man was not shocked, indeed stunned, by the situation, that would not be normal. Man, woman, young older, it doesn't matter, it comes as a shock to us all. I have to say, for myself, if I was thirty years younger than I was at diagnosis, yes, it would have had different implications, and I wouldn't have had the extra life experience that I had at 58, by my goodness, my body would have been younger and fitter to fight this. This is not a pissing contest as to whose situation is worse, it sucks for all of us. Some cope with soft music and Kumbaya, others do the combat boot thing...whatever works for you.

Everyone is so different, aren’t they? I wasn’t angry when I got cancer, I was sad.

I never had the f#%* cancer attitude because the negativity wasn’t good for me. I just mentally treated it like a broken leg, but with more serious consequences. I have always tried to avoid a victim mentality and this has helped me to regain my momentum. I have had low moments, but ultimately this is the one life we have. It’s not like other people’s and that’s ok. It is what it is and I prefer to face it head on, deal with it and try to move on. Negativity is a pit I try not to fall into. Sometimes getting off social media is an option through treatment too. @AllyJay when men get cancer it is every bit as traumatic as it is for women. 

Hi there @LoriB , so very sorry that you've found yourself here. You asked a specific question, that is, are you the only one who is going mental over a diagnosis? Well, no...I don't think so...I'll stick my hand up as being able to identify with much that you have written, and some that differs. I won't patronise you with pats on the back, and assurances that all will be fine, because what your intellectual response and you visceral response are not one and the same. I remember feeling totally shell shocked on hearing that I had cancer. I looked around at all these other 'normal' people around me, doing normal, mundane things. How dare they!!! How dare they grocery shop, buy shoes...shoes for fuck sake, who the fuck needs more shoes???!!! I'm quite possible going to die sooner rather than later... and this silly bitch is buying shoes!!  And don't dare try to cheer me up with all these positive statistics either!!! The feeling that my reality and theirs was so very different, and I felt so alone. I have often found that rewording a situation, or reversing it, give a clearer perspective. If someone went up to a virile, healthy 28 year old man and said, "Ahem, pardon me, your life, as you previously knew it, is about to change, big time. You have cancer in your nuts. But never mind, we'll just chop them off and then put these little silicon balls in their place...you'll look quite normal afterwards. We'll poison you to the point that even your spit will be toxic to others around you, but it will help kill these bastard cells. Oh, and we'll also nuke you, just to make sure." If that poor sod didn't (initially) feel that they were going to lose the plot, then I would truly be worried. The fact that that bloke didn't feel as if his world had tilted on its axis, would be worrying in and of itself. That would not be normal. Having said all that, after the initial shock wore off, I shaved off my previously thigh length hair, to a Marine #1 cut, put on my "Fuck You" boots and prepared for battle. I'm still battling, one bastard situation at a time, but, hey, I'm still in it....apparently no evidence of disease, cancer wise. Pretty stuffed with side effects, but getting there, slightly fluffy head, stuffed up this, that, and the next thing, (physically), and mentally sometimes feeling like a lost fart in a haunted shithouse from chemo brain, but still here, flying the flag. You can do it kiddo, and this woman here is holding your hand while you do.

Hi @LoriB, I felt all of the emotions you mentioned when I was first diagnosed. It’s a bit of a roller coaster, isn’t it? I just tried to take it day by day. The Cancer Council have wonderful nurses to chat to and counsellors to see if you need them. They helped me get through the low times and I could be honest with them without the worry of opening up to family about my fears about my mortality, hair, sexuality etc.
 I also set boundaries with my family and let them know that sometimes I needed time to myself and that meant going to some appointments alone. This helped me to have some control over my life at the time. 

 I also found it easier when I had made my decisions and could just go through treatment. Can you do something you enjoy, or plan for it? I found this helped me, even going for a short walk helps you to feel better.

 I know younger women have a tough time with breast cancer. I was doing my Master’s degree, about to buy a house and was in a relationship and all that changed when I was diagnosed with cancer. I am now returning to study, dodged a bullet with the ex and I’m looking at buying a place and somehow managed to get a promotion. All when I haven’t been at my best. This is just 3 years later. I have side effects from treatment, but apart from being on this forum too much, I’m doing ok and you will get back to your ‘new normal’ down the track. Have you joined the young women’s group on here?  Take care x 

Hi there Lori. Last year in may I was diagnosed with stage 2a grade 3 (3cm tumor) left breast triple neg bc aged 43. All scans clear and no lymph nodes involved. I'm negative for the gene though. I had 4 rounds of AC chemo and 4 rounds of paclitaxol fortnightly for 16 weeks. I had a mastectomy left side so I didn't have to have rads as well as chemo and then took the right one off - my choice 6 months later. I've already had a hysterectomy prior to my bc diagnosis but saved my ovaries All of us on here all know what you're going through for sure. And yes you can have all the support in the world and I did and still have  but it always helps to talk to someone who's been through it too for sure. You are going to get all of those emotions you mentioned and some days are going to be better than others. I found once I'd had my surgery and had a treatment plan in place I felt better and knew what to expect. It's all very daunting at any age but particularly for you as you are so young. And please don't ever say you are selfish that's bullshit everything you are feeling is normal. There are so many options out there for you and you will be informed of those in due course but a lot of women on here have been able to have immediate reconstruction and been able to save a their eggs too. So don't despair you will get through this.  And please don't google!  Especially about triple neg. everyone one is different and every treatment is different and that's the worse place to look especially feeling like you are at the moment. And yes it sucks to go bald and it sucks to lose your boobs but at the end of it all you will have survived. And that my love takes strength courage and the biggest set of hairy balls you'll ever see. And believe me you will find them when you need them. Please stay in touch. Everyone on here has s story to tell all of which are inspiring and gives you hope. Rest assured you can vent anytime ask anything you like and say however you are feeling whenever you want and never get judged. Just loved and supported. Sending you a big virtual hug and feel free to message me anytime with any questions and I'll give you my number if you ever want to chat. Margie ❤️